What do you do when you're stuck dwelling on something?

Question

My husband cheated.
Now we both really want to work it out and be happy but EVERYTHING I do makes me think about it! TV, Radio, comments, EVERYTHING. I find myself totally obsessed and I know that we'll never heal if this doesn't stop! I've tried, hobbies, and therapy too. I'm just totally stuck on what he did.
I'm so sick of everyone saying TIME. Time heals all wounds. To me time is the enemy because it means more time to dwell and think about it!

Answer 1

I think you should ask yourself if you really forgave him. People don't dwell on things they've forgiven and put behind them. Regardless, whether you decide to stay with him or not forgiving him is going to release you from the agony you're going through right now. And you're right it's not about time. It's about perspective. You need a switch to go off in your head that will tell you - "I've had enough of this and I wanna be happy. I want to live my life with peace of mind and I'm going to do anything and everything to make that possible." My suggestion would be to shift your focus - every single time your mind leads into that same place - be aware of it, then redirect your thoughts. I know it's easier said than done; however, you could expedite the process by focusing more on your hobbies, things you like to do that don't involve him or men for that matter. Train yourself to redirect your mind. It's difficult, but it works. Also, I think it's wonderful that you're trying to work it out; however, sometimes experiences like that let you know whether it's the right person for you. Be honest with yourself about what it is you want and who it is you want. That could be the reason why you're still dwelling. Whichever the case, mastering your thoughts is a way to go. Find things that give you the most peace and focus on that

Answer 2

Okay, you both want it to work...but have you truly faced it? Have you been able to get to some level of forgiveness with your husband? What about with the other woman?

Do you have an idea why this happened? Not just his excuse, but the real reasons why it happened?

It seems as if you are saying the words..."work it out", "happy", etc., but you don't seem to have addressed the core issues that have you dwelling on things.

I would suggest a more intensive therapy - maybe a different therapist.

But in the end, you will find that the only way for you to actually get over all this is for you to make the choice to put it behind you - and you can't do that until all the other questions in your head (and heart) have been addressed.

Answer 3

Treat the past as the past, now it time to start new.

Time does not heal, but it makes the hurt more bearable

You can't change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying over the future

If you fill your heart w/ regrets of yesterday and the worries of tomorrow you have no today to be thankful for.

For every minute you are angry with someone, you lose 60 seconds of happiness you will never get back.

You'll never be able to forget, you've been hurt in one of the most possible ways, but you need to forgive, again I'm sure it's hard...give it time. (the above quotes are just a few of my favorites). I'm so sorry this has happened to you, look it at this way, at least you're getting another chance to rebuild your marriage. Good Luck.

Answer 4

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. That has to be so hard. I don't know if you are a Dr. Phil fan or not, but one of my favorite things I hear him say is..."She won't get over this until you really "get" what it did to her." So, my point is...does he really get what this did to you?? Perhaps you need more from him in the "understanding department".

Also, could it be that you are just simply one of those people who is too hurt to continue the relationship after such a devastating blow?? You know...you aren't alone and that doesn't mean at all that you are a failure. He failed you my friend. You have every right to say...you know what...I just can't move on from this. What you did was so humiliating and you should have thought about what this would do to our marriage. I mean, I can think of all kinds of good reasons to not continue.

Perhaps you have children together, and if so...I can see how that would be different.

Whatever you choose to do...remember that "he" put you in this spot. Good luck to you and my heart goes out to you.

Answer 5

I've been through that too and know how hard it is. I tried to not think about it either, but it was always there. I was hurt to the core. I struggled badly when it came to having sex with him...I only thought of him being with her.

I finally realized that I had to forget about and learn to trust him again, or move on with my life without him.

I wasn't able to forget it and I stayed miserable, so I moved on. I'm very glad I did. I'm no longer haunted by his betrayal. In that situation, time didn't heal all wounds.

I hope you can find a way to heal and save your marriage, but if you can't...please remember that life is too short to be miserable.

Answer 6

If you REALLY wanted to work it out, you wouldn't dwell on it as much. You're putting more energy in to obsessing over his infidelity then you are in to making your marriage work. Maybe the two of you should separate for awhile. If he's not under you, maybe it will be easier for you to heal.

Answer 7

nothing you do will work because you havent had the answers you need from your husbund to be able to overcome it the affair,time wont heal a husbund who has cheated sometimes the best thing is to seperate,but i would suggest you need to ask him about details and get into the actuall affair only when you know exactl what happened and about the other girl is when you will start to get closure because right now your not getting any answers,also your husbund needs to be working on this more to help you,hearing your husbund about the affair will hurt but its the only way you will honestly get closure on it you cant get closure if you dont know the full story first

Answer 8

let your thoughts and feelings take resident on paper.Yes write it all down the good the bad and the aw-full.Get it out have a box or 2 of facial tissues and write. i wrote so much I used up 2 pen's ink in one day after you hand is tired and you have no more tears to cry.Then write down that you want to do from here.Now the reward you can let it go by burn or destroy it all but the want list so you can plan new goal.forget give and move on best wishes

Answer 9

Time is the only thing that will make it better. As soon as you accept what happened, accept that you did not have a good marriage to begin with and accept your role in the situation, only then you will find peace with it.

Until then, when you think about it, consciously put it out of your mind and move on. Keep your comments to yourself and just deal with it.

Answer 10

he hurt u and first he needs to acknowledge the damage his behavior has caused to your self worth, mental state and emotions. u aren't your circumstances, your bigger than they are, our thoughts create our realities, u need to talk about the hurt, let it out, if he is wanting to just sweep it under the rug, and not accept responsibility this may be the thing that is causing the worst problem, when someone is genuinely remorseful and begs forgiveness it changes how u see it.