Dust 2 Dust, how dark is it?

Question

Dust 2 Dust



Contemplating
no escaping
draining
of
my
soul
~
A call to hades
clearly fading
tainting
strengths
so bold
~
Pleading greatly
call my fate
see
death
upon
crossroads
~
Praying, praying
it’s too late
and
dust
becomes
of bone.......


New challenge posted @

http://com1.runboard.com/banythinggoesliterature

Answer 1

God, I swear you are like incapable of writting a bad poem seriously I have read like quite a few of your poems and they are all really good especially "full moon" LOL!! Anyway this poem is great as usual great flow and rhyme. Im officially a great fan of your poems lol! Anyway KEEP WRITTING!

Answer 2

Not all that good, actually. You obviously have some groopies that would say anything you put to paper is fantastic, but I'm hoping you're looking for more than that.

Here's your hard spots:

I'd recommend you combine the lines "of" and "my" into a single line in the first stanza. It gives you five lines and shapes the stanza more the way I think you intended. It also doesn't force pauses between words just for form's sake.

You might want to insert a word before "tainting", perhaps "ever" might work. Also, "so bold" seems odd...maybe "once bold"? "So bold" just doesn't flow as well and is more of a jump from "tainting strengths"

"Pleading greatly"? how does one "plead greatly"? I know what you meant to convey, but I think you can find a better word choice. Also, consider combining "see" and "death" into one line, again, it keeps your five lines and my ear tells me it has more impact.

The same goes for "and" and "dust"...try it, "and dust" rolls off your tongue.

finally, your last line..."of bone" things don't become "of"...you could say "old bone" or "new bone" or "just bone", any would work, but you need to decide which best presents the meaning you're trying to convey. "of bone" isn't it.

You are a budding poet, don't cheapen yourself or allow fawning fans to let you get sloppy or lazy. I've seen several of your poems now and they all show promise. Keep at it, be harder on yourself and you'll continue to improve.

Answer 3

I understand that each artist has her voice, and I think I am beginning to hear yours.

This isn't it. I don't hear Shad here.

Technically, there are problems (Hades should be capitalized, I think. Also, I'm unclear how we taint strengths. And, as previously observed, "pleading greatly" only sounds good before the nanosecond in which one thinks about it.)

For me (only for me) this poem doesn't take me anywhere. Whatever insight you had that caused you to write it is not clear to me. The possibility that I am dense in this instance is pretty good. Nevertheless...these are my thoughts.

I have seen some other works of yours and liked them. This just isn't one that worked for me.

Answer 4

Shad,
I don't think I have ever encountered a bad poem. You write a number of beautiful ones. This is another one. In here it talks about no escape pleads.

Answer 5

That was really good! I loved the flow and it had a great depth. It was simply amazing! 10/10

Answer 6

Very good, lovely rhythyn and pace, great, an easy read as well nicely flows x

Answer 7

Interesting...

Answer 8

Excellent again Shad. Even your bad poems are only bad compared to your great ones. Oh, and this wouldn't be even one of your "bad" ones.

Great job.