How to help a friend through her divorce?

Question

My good friend Karen's husband cheated on her while they were trying for a baby and he got the other woman pregnant instead.This is not the first time this has happened to her it also happened with an ex.bf.Anyway she has been depressed and angry since then.She keeps asking me what she did wrong?I do not want to tell her that she does not have great taste in men even though its true 90%percent of the men she dated were jerks,cheaters,abusive or all of the above in some way.When she had a nice man she used him as a door matt.She recently heard her ex.bf whom she dated when she was 18-19 ish for 1 yr and half is getting married.Worse her ex.bf is marrying the girl he cheated on her with and got pregnant.The ex.bf now has two children with this other women and a third on the way.My friend Karen now want to sleep with this guy again and is throwing herself at him(thus far he has turned her down).I worry but dont know how to help her out of this rut?

I have tried talking to her but she says for once she wants to be the woman on the other side?but i dont think her ex.bf is going to break.

Answer 1

Is your friend cute? Maybe I can find someone for her to cheat with so she'll feel better.

Seriously though you need to remind her how badly she treated her one good boyfriend. That was the same thing as what she's trying to do now. She's in pain and wants to make her self feel better by hurting others. Right now she's done nothing wrong, and can move on with a clear conscience. But if she goes and wrecks some other marriage she's not going to feel good about herself, she'll feel worse. Even if she thinks this woman deserves it, if she does it herself it will haunt her.

Really she needs to let go of the anger over her past. It has poisoned at least one relationship already. Each guy she meets is a new person, and should not be blamed for the actions of others. I'd suggest some counseling, if you can convince her to try it. If this nice guy she treated like crap is still around, get him to tell her how he felt after she walked all over him so she can understand the hurt she caused.

Answer 2

Your a very good friend to still be caring for a hurt friend. Tell Karen to stay away from her ex.bf. It's over between them. Clam her down and get her to therapy because she has a problem if shes throwing herself at a guy who's hurt her. The most important thing you could possibly do is to aid her feelings and spend as much time with her having fun, so she can keep her mind off stupid men.

Also about the nice man being used as a door mat by your friend she was probably corrupt to the point where she would hurt any man because of her pain. Right now she needs to keep her mind off of men. Don't let her date anyone yet until she's recovered or else she'll let guys take advantage of her. I hope your friend will be okay.

Answer 3

U have already done what U can do...just be there if U will to pick up the pieces again?! or tell her to get a grip on life and move on!! There are so many opportunities out in this world and most people don't and won't open their minds and hearts to them...How good of friend is she if she keeps putting herself through these relationships and depending, and then needing someone to make it better again...she definitely needs some kind of help, to teach her new life skills...if U stick around, know that u can't fix anything, know that U can only be there for her...
Good Luck!

Answer 4

Not enough information to answer. How much does each of them earn? What are their future earning prospects? States of health? How many children, what ages, any child health or other issues? Lump sum payable to her? She gets the house? Is the alimony open-ended or limited? How much is child support? How much is the house worth and how much equity is in it? Mortgages or loans on the house? What happens to those? Other debts from the marriage? What happens to them? Is the area the house is in one that has escaped the great real estate bust? Evaluating proposed divorce settlements is a whole new service, which may be worth exploring. It's not cheap, but not overly expensive, either.

Answer 5

I know that you have good intentions for your friend, but realistically she is going to do what she is going to do regardless of your advice. So, my advice to you is to listen....be honest with her about how you feel about her choices, but reassure her that you will be there for her regardless of what happens to her with these relationships.

From a very personal point of view, since I have been in a similar situation as hers...I can tell you that she has very low self esteem, potentially because she has beaten down emotionally by several bad men. After I got counseling, it allowed me to get my life back together. A woman's worth is not measured by having a man...and that is something that only she can come to terms with...good luck and keep listening. Sounds like you are a good friend to have.

Answer 6

Wow....your friend seems to be going through a lot right now. It's a shame that this has happened to her twice now, but she may be partly to blame. Honestly, I think she is choosing the wrong kind of men!!

There is really not much you can do besides be a friend to her, be there to listen, offer wisdom when she is willing to accept it, support her through her divorce.

You may try talking with her and letting her know that right now, she is her own worst enemy. She is creating a formula for disaster by throwing herself at her ex bf (especially now that he is married & has no desire to be with her). She really needs to seek therapy or the assistance of a support group. It sounds to me like she is really confused, hurt, expecting something that is not going to happen and living in a fake reality of her own making. All of this points to a bad ending, no matter how you look at it.

You need to find your friend some help BEFORE she does something dangerous or finds herself in a situation she can not get out of. It seems that she is really irrational right now and you may need to step in and take the lead to see that she gets the help she so desperately needs. Best of luck to you!

Answer 7

Stop, let her do her own thing. She wants to be the other woman, let her. It might help her in the long run. Twice men have cheated on her, so now she wants revenge. I don't think it will make her feel any better, or change the way she picks men. Sometime all you can do is give her support when she needs it.

Answer 8

I think you should re-evaluate your friends...This girl sounds VERY confused and immature! Why are you such good friends with her? Is it an "opposites attract" kind of friendship?

If you care for her, then talk to her and be honest..Tell her what she's done wrong and try to make her understand SHE is responsible for her choices and decisions...NO ONE ELSE!

Some relationships are just plain toxic- and confused people tend to manipulate others..so be careful. Sometimes people who do not want to change themselves look for others so they can "drag them down" too...
The last thing you need is to be seen as she projects herself- like a seriously problematic girl. Good luck.....Keep your eyes and ears open.

Answer 9

You need to let your friend know that you want to help her in any way you can but, you can not be a supportive friend when you see her making decsions that will only hurt her. She may be angry with you but, she needs to understand that her decisions affect not only her but, also affect the people that are eround her. You need to tell her that you want her to be happy and that you would like to see her with somebody that loves and cares about her for all the right reasons.

Answer 10

Sounds like it all stems from wanting to have children, she might put too much pressure on these men and abeit stupid as hell, the men end up knocking up someone else.

She really needs to look within herself for this. With therapy she will be able to love herself, with or without child.