Help, not sure what to do?!?

Question

My husband and I have been married for over a year. Every month i get this feeling that my husband does not love me the way i love him. He does alot of things that are hurtful to me, but he doesn't see him doing it. for instance, he doesn't like kissing me anymore. When we were just dating, he loved kissing me, but once we got married, he pushes me away everytime i go to kiss him. he says it's because I wear out my welcome and kiss him to much. Recently i have had some guy friends tell me they see the way he treats me and they don't think he treats me good. He doesn't hit or anything, and when we argue he shuts up and stops talking so we don't get into terrible fights. I love him more than anything and we are even trying for a baby but i feel so unloved. I even get thoughts about what it would be like without him and i always wonder if i made a mistake marrying him and maybe there is someone out there that treats me better. I don't know what to do?! any advice please!!!

Also, I'm 20 years old, fixing to be 21 in two months and i got married when i was 19. I know he is someone i want to spend the rest of my life with, but i don't think he feels the same way. I think he was just in love with the fact that we own our own house and that we have so much stuff together and we're comfortable with each other that it would be so hard to divorce. I don't know. I've asked him before if he does truly love me, and he says of course i do i love you more than anything, but he says it so mono tone then he'll just go to sleep (i asked the question when we were lying in bed) he also didn't say it to my face. Help please!

Thank you every one so much for your help. About 5 days ago or so, i sat down and talked to him about this situation. We had a good discussion. He told me he loves me more than anything in this world and he would do anything to not lose me. We talked about the affection and he said he was just raised growing up to not show affection. He didn't have a dad around so he didn't see how affection is shown in married couples and he said his mom never really gave them hugs and all that, so he said he will try very hard to start showing more affection and I said i would try very hard to give him some space and not be so touchy feely and needy. Since this talk we've been great. I love him more than anything and I know he feels the same now. Thank you all for your help!!!!

Answer 1

PLEASE don't bring a baby into this mess. Sort out your problems FIRST, or get divorced etc. but please, Don't bring a baby into the mess.

Answer 2

Start going on dates again. Go out for dinner and dancing, not with another couple. Go to a new place and look for a place that has a romantic intimate atmosphere with nice music. Dance and have some body contact without being clingy. Get more physical with the stuff that you do together - like a physical hobby. You would think marriage would be much more fun than dating because you have opportunities for more sex but so much time spent in close proximity and the same routines does tend to deaden the romance.
Make 'dating' a regular thing, without pressures, without goals, and just try to remember what it was like to be out and about and NOT knowing everything about each other's day and what needs to be done at home.
See if you can get more sleep, too, and not build your schedule around his. You'll feel better (especially if you do get pregnant) and he may have a need for some 'private time' at home.

Answer 3

That sounds like he was more interested in chasing you than in catching you. I don't know any married couples that turned off the affection like that after they got married. And his "you wear out your welcome" response is really scary. How can his own wife not be welcome in his space? At this point I would suggest you do NOT have a child with this man. You have to straighten out the relationship first. You say you're trying for a kid, but what's the sex like? Is it just as loveless as the kissing? And his shutting up to avoid a fight is not a good thing. That just means he is either holding it all in, or just doesn't think you're worth the effort of talking to about it.

Seriously, you need to find out what the problem is and fix it before you have child. If you can't, then you need to consider a divorce. He's obviously not even trying to make you happy, and that's not likely to improve on it's own. It'll only get worse.

Good luck.

Answer 4

The 1st few years of marriage are the toughest. No matter how well you know each other (or think you knew each other) you quickly learn that there are some things that you are very different in. I've been married for 26years now. My husband and I are very different in the way that we show affection for each other and also different in the way that we want to receive affection from each other. The best way that he can show me he loves me is by doing things for me(i.e. helping in the house, helping with the kids). The way he wants affection from me is ....you know what....sex. My best friend's situation is the opposite. Let me ask you this? How often do you question his love for you? Could he be tired of having to constantly reassure you? Is he a good provider? When you say he's hurtful , how does he hurt you? I think that I have some advice that could help you, but its a biblical basis. As I said before, I've been married for 26 years. I got married at the age of 17, so I was very young also. If your interested in what has worked for me, I'll be happy to share it with you. Email me. Let me also recommend the book called Love Languages. It teaches you what type of Love personality that you have and how you like to recieve love. If you can learn your partners Love Language and he can learn yours, you will see a huge difference in how Loved you feel. He may think that he's doing all he can to love you the right way, but if its not the way that makes you feel loved, then you are left still wanting and feeling incomplete.

Answer 5

My first advice is do not have a baby with this man.You have only been married 1 year,the honeymoon should still be on.Your husband has a problem.Stop kissing him,in fact stop doing any thing with him.You can't go for the rest of your life feeling unloved.Go to a marriage councilor (if he will) If you want to try to hold it together. But a leopard doesn't change there spots.I think the best idea is to get out before you are trapped with him and children.He will treat you worse then.

Answer 6

You got married too young. It happens to so many young people. When we are so young, we think we know what we want out of life and who we want out of life. A wedding is a wonderful time, and we are anxious to experience all of the joys of life including marriage. However, after we are married a while, the person we thought we loved changes or 'grows up' and marriage becomes a trap. You may need a marriage counselor to iron out these problems that have come up, and if you do not, you may end up pregnant and miserably caught in the marriage trap. I feel so sad for you but only you can change your situation. Get counseling and then make big decisions that will affect the quality of your life forever. Do not settle for second best.

Answer 7

PLEASE hold off trying to get pregnant! First, you are extremely young, second you are having problems in your marriage. A baby will NOT bring you closer together, it will only cause more problems. You think he doesn't want to kiss you now, how do you think he will feel when there is a crying baby in your lap.
You were so young when you got married. Go to counseling. See what both of your expectations about marriage are. The fact that you don't have "terrible fights" because he shuts down when conflict arises is not a good thing.
If it doesn't work out, don't beat yourself up. As you get older you will realize that we don't always make the best decisions in our youth.
Good luck

Answer 8

It's a big difference between a bf/gf relationship and a husband and wife relationship. Like a bf would be more sensitive to his gf's needs and more apt to listen to her and vice versa; while, a husband can take things more for granted about his wife and vice versa coz perhaps of the security of the marriage knot. A relationship or marriage isn't always smooth sailing. When you love as you want to be loved, frustrations set in if your expectations of being loved the same way does not happen. There would always be differences. Each have a choice of making the differences bigger or smaller or just setting them aside and continue with the love that one has for the other without expecting anything back. What you can do is to try to fulfill your part in the relationship even though your husband may seemingly be lacking on his part. Who knows, in his view he's trying to fulfill his part inspite of you seemingly lacking on your part. So try to be more positive in what you do than be negative on what he's doing.

Answer 9

Don't have a child until you get this resolved. A child will only drive a deeper wedge between you if you feel the way you do now, it will be ten fold if you have a baby. Try talking to him during the day, not when you are in bed almost asleep. You need to get the answers to your questions now. If you think getting a divorce will be complicated the way things are now, throwing a child into the pot makes it that much worse.

Answer 10

Maybe it is time for you two to get some marriage counseling. That might be the only way to get the problems worked out. I hear what you are saying though about feeling like you were being pushed away. I felt like that at one time when I was married. If you need to talk you can e-mail me. Good Luck!

Answer 11

My husband used to love "taking off my lipstick" before we were married, but it stopped. Maybe back off a bit, give him some space. Tell him face to face and not in bed how he's making you feel. Ask him flat out, if wants a divorce. He may just not want to be the one who asks for it. That way when his family ask what happened, he can say you asked for a divorce. Some guys and women are like that, they don't want to be the bad guy. But a baby is not going to fix your problem, but make it worse. He could be having a hard time adjusting to being married "forever" or he could realize that you both were too young and he just doesn't know what to do now. Especially if both his parents are still married. People with married parents, who saw their parents go through hell and back and stayed together, may just believe marriage is forever and if its not what you want, oh well. When I was having trouble, I told my husband I wasn't sure if I was "in love" with him. I knew I loved him, but "in love" was different. He told me, he'd do whatever I wanted to keep us together. That divorce was not in his vocabulary. His parents never seperated, he wasn't going to either. We've been married 17 yrs. Stop trying to have a baby, and tell him what you told all of yahoo. Tell him you're lonely. Tell him he doesn't show you he loves you and give him examples. And ask him if he want out. If he oh-hums about it, tell him your going out of town, and go. Tell him that when you get back you want answers to your questions, and that if he doesn't have any answers you will have your own answers to your marriage problems. But I must warn you that once you do this you must be prepared for the outcome. You MUST have your own answers and answers to different senarios he may might throw at you. Stand your ground. Remember you deserve to be loved and respected daily!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!