How do I convince my fiance to do things on his own without waiting for me to ask him to?

Question

My fiance agreed to take care of four things: Mow the yard, clean the cat's litter box, vacuum, and keep the living room picked up.

But he's such a procrastinator that he doesn't get those things done until I start bugging him.

And he doesn't like to clean up after anyone but himself. He doesn't mind picking up his trash off the living room floor, but if I leave a mess on the computer desk, he won't touch it. He says I have to clean up my own mess.

But I get stuck cleaning up after him in every other part of the house. I put a laundry basket right next to his dressor, yet he still throws his clothes on the floor a foot away from the basket. And I don't just clean my dirty dishes, I clean his too.

I'm tired of being a nag, and I don't like that I clean up after him, but he won't ever clean up after me. What should I do differently?

Answer 1

All I can say is, your marriage will end in divorce, so don't do it. If you don't get along now then these issues won't magically fix themselves over time, they will get worse. People can say they will change, and they might for a short time, but the way a person is is the way a person stays.

Answer 2

I think that every woman goes through this and I've been with my husband almost 15 yrs. and I still have to to pick his socks up and put them in the laundry a foot away !! It's a man thing for sure... I usually have to nag, just like his mother would... Sad to say, but it's the truth..

Or I have to say point blank, it's time to mow the yard or whatever the chore happens to be... I HATE it when I unload the dishwasher, clean the kitchen, mop the floor and he leaves a dish in the sink.. He can't load the dishwasher.. It's annoying... he claims if he puts the dish in the dishwasher I rearrange it anyway... Which I do.. that's not the point.. The point is I don't want the dirty dish in the sink... My husband went on a trip for a week.. He returned had some minor surgery the following day.. I let his suitcase full of clothes sit in the office for 4 days and mentioned it casually.. He said he would take care of it.. It still sat, so I put it in the bedroom.. I announced I was doing laundry and if he had dirty laundry to give it to me.. The suitcase still sat.. I finally said.. Can you take care of the suitcase today/now !! He acted like I was being a nag.. It was sooo stupid, but it finally got done... I hope you have better luck than I do....

Answer 3

You should have an honest conversation with him about how these things make you feel. Make sure that you are not trying to have the conversation while he is trying to do something else, like watch TV, otherwise you will just be annoying him and he will just be ignoring you. You might also want to mention to him that you do not want to be a nag, and ask him for his advice on how to motivate or remind him without nagging. He might honestly forget that the litter box needs to be scooped each day, but a simple note left on the fridge or chore chart might be all it takes to remind him.

One of the fastest ways to become a nag is to harp on a subject when the other person is not interested. If he is on the couch watching the ball game, and you notice his clothes on the floor in the bedroom, even it it annoys you then, try to refrain from saying anything. Next time that you notice him in the vicinity of the clothes on the floor, say "Oh, love-of-my-life... Could you please put your clothes in your hamper?" That will have a greater chance of getting results than if you bugged him about it when he wasn't any where near the items in question.

Men are just like any other kind of animal; they can be trained with rewards. When he does something, make sure that you do something nice for him.

If there is a project that you want to see done, you can also attach it to a rewarding situation that he would like to have happen. For example, on a Saturday afternoon, you could say "I would love to go see that movie that you wanted to see. It is playing at 3pm. If you can get the lawn mowed and I can get the laundry done in time, let's go see it."

Likewise, if you decide to "punish" him for not doing his chores, be sure he knows what you are doing. Women have a bad reputation for witholding sex as a punishment, but giving an excuse like "I have a headache" instead of actually explaining the problem. If you have spent the entire day picking up after him and you are tired and not in the mood when he attempts to get amorous, you should tell him "I am sorry honey, I am just so tired after doing all those chores today, and I am just not in the mood. Maybe if you could lighten the load a bit for me, I would have some energy left at the end of the day."

Also, keep in mind, just like you do not enjoy having to do chores while he is not doing any, he will not like doing chores if you aren't doing anything, so try not to be playing couch-potato while he is cleaning up the living room!

Answer 4

Clean up only after yourself. Just stop picking up after him...that's what I did. If he asks where his clothes are, tell him they weren't in the laundry basket when you started laundry. If you are washing dishes, leave his right where they are. If worse comes to worse, just lay his stuff in a pile in a box or something. I have been married for 13 years, and this is how I made him start helping.

Answer 5

It sounds like if you both cleaned up after yourselves, nobody would have clean after anybody.

When my ex lived with me, he was a total slob. I nagged him on the regular, but what finally worked was when I treated him like a 5 year old and showed him exactly what I wanted to be done and how to do it. I also told him that every time I'd have to ask him to do something (or if I had to clean up after him) he'd owe me money. After paying me $5 for not cleaning up the living room, he started to shape up. Good luck.

Answer 6

I've got the same problem with my fiance! I told him the relationship is 50/50, so if he does one chore, I'll do one. We also split chores. For example: if I put laundry in, when it comes out, he folds/hangs it. He cooks, I clean. For dishes, one will wash, the other rinses. If you do it together, it just gets done. Never expect a man to be independently proactive in the house! That's just wishful thinking!

Answer 7

You could leave things undone that he is supposed to do. Don't fall into the trap of turning into his mommy. Just leave the mess! If his clothes aren't in the hamper, they don't get washed.

But, you said he picks up after himself. So, I'm really not sure what your complaint is. Don't leave your messes for him to clean up, that's not fair. Make sure you pick up after yourself, too.

Answer 8

You have two choices. Number one, dump his sorry butt! If you can't train him now you never will. Or NUmber two - write a letter to Dr. Phil and hope that he will take on the case. Good Luck. BTW it took my wife 29 years to train me and I'm not there yet!

Answer 9

put a chore list on the refrigerator like you do for little kids and maybe he will get the hint . some men you have to treat like kids . sorry it is the truth . good luck .

Answer 10

if you have already talked to him about this problem and he still wont change you might want to reconsider about getting married to this guy. my husband is the same exact way you are describing this guy and we have so many problems because of it. so talk to him about it and if he still doesn't change his ways then move on. good luck