Poem: Oblivion (comments welcome. please let me know what you think)?

Question

Oblivion

One day a shadow fluttered inside
his heart, and took up residence there.
Slipping in unseen by the light
of a half-eaten moon.
Wiping the floor bare,
sweeping in every direction.
There would no escape, no hope,
no other lovers.
For this was a jealous god—and hungry.
Soon, it filled all the spaces between.
Soon, there was no space at all.
Until all that was left was a shadow
fluttering alone beneath the dim stars
too far away to touch.

Annabella: Yes thank you I did mean to include a "be" on that line. It's funny how you can proofread over and over and still miss something. Thank you for pointing it out.

Answer 1

The poem speaks to me of a transformation by which the "he" of the poem, by the end of the poem, becomes the parasite (shadow) that invaded his heart.

My understanding of the poem was delivered to my repeated readings in layers. Each reading provided a new layer of understanding until all of the layers clicked in simultaneously and I had an "aha!" reaction. It was only then that I felt I understood the poem from beginning to end.

After I thought I understood the poem I went back and read it again and, wonder of wonders, what I would have changed when I didn't "get" all of it I no longer wanted to change.* In hindsight, maybe the changes I wanted were to make the poem more understandable to me before I understood it to begin with.

But in telling you this, I do not mean to say that this poem was unnecessarily complex. It was not. Not at all. It's a lovely poem, although sad in it's observation of what can happen when something negative overtakes a person's outlook (for lack of several better words coming immediately to mind.)

The image you left me with, how you tied the word "flutter" in at the end of the poem and painted a picture, was very nicely executed. I don't know how hard you worked on this poem. I know sometimes poets really fight for what they write. At other times, we feel to ourselves like mediums for some magic that is breaking out through our fingertips and escaping into a pen and onto paper. Whether you worked at this or not, the result was the same. I really enjoyed reading and working through this poem. Thank you.

*For example, I went diving for the dictionary to look up "flutter." I found I have a very constricted bias about what "flutter" can mean. There are at least 11 uses, and most of them quite common. My tiny little brain apparently only has one or two. I was trying to figure out how a shadow could "flutter." But it can, indeed. Once I was free to accept "flutter" in the poem, I moved more easily through the rest of it.

Answer 2

One day a shadow fluttered inside
his heart, and took up residence there.

The fluttering shadow is a beautiful image: like some kind of flesh eating butterfly.

Slipping in unseen by the light
of a half-eaten moon.

I like how the moon is "weak", as "he" is half-eaten.

Wiping the floor bare,
sweeping in every direction,

I think of "cleaning house", something positive for an unkept space (and I'm not sure this is what the poem wants me to think).

There would be no escape, no hope,
no other lovers.

I am thinking, Is this shadow, who I once thought was a thought, now a person holding the heart back from all the partners he'll never kiss.

For this was a jealous god-and hungry

If this jealous god is hungry for let's say sex, wouldn't the heart be satisfied? Unless of course, he is hungry for something else. Or does the shadow want the "host" all to himself ? Or is there a conflict between the heart and the shadow that is one man's battle?
(thinking out loud)

Soon, it filled all the spaces between.
Soon, there was no space at all.
Until all that was left was a shadow
fluttering alone beneath the dim stars
too far away to touch.

Maybe this ill thought or person has finished it's cycle, it's done it's "damage" and now it'll have to wait for the new moon.

Pretty poem.
I read it several times.
Thank you.

Answer 3

Very well done! One suggestion: drop the second "soon", in fact, I'd suggest you change that line to read: "till there was no space at all"
followed by, "All that was left..." (drop the "until"). Sometimes repetition doesn't help the poem. I think this revision would tighten up the end and assist the finale.

Again, well done.

Answer 4

Is very good. I like this line a lot:

"Slipping in unseen by the light
of a half-eaten moon."

Is not because it is the moon, is because is a very strong metaphor. No rhymes, but is still a poem, I like it a lot.

Keep writing!!! Marilyn

Answer 5

I like it very much. It is touching, and I like the fact that you use the third person singular instead of the first, which is so often used round here. It makes things more subtle and it adds distance, but does not take away feelings.
(I suppose you meant: "There would BE no escape", line 7?).

.

Answer 6

I absolutely loved this one. The words, they're almost perfectly harmonious to each other. Lines 3-4 were my favorite.

Plus, it reminds me of a famous poem I read at sometime or another, whose title escapes me now.

Nice job!

Answer 7

Todd:
Very nice but lacking. The image evoked is excellent and powerful but it needs dimension and the only way to do that is establish the circumstance more comprehensively (set the scene).
I hope this makes sense.
jj

Answer 8

I thought the setting was pretty clear. I liked it, but that's only because we did all the floors this morning...

Answer 9

After reading it, I would title it Jealousy or Obsesion.