Will a relationship affect my Sobriety?

Question

I am into my 14th month of sobriety. I met a guy when I was in rehab, we are both recovering alcoholics. I have heard so many times that relationships don't work when in early recovery, and many people say that you should wait for at least two years before having a relationship. Basically, you should be concentrating on yourself only, rather than yourself AND your partner. Has anyone had experiences of relationships in early recovery? Good or bad?

Answer 1

Congrats on your 14 months. I'm in recovery too and have made some bad choices on the romance front but I've learnt from them and at least I know what I don't want! I've heard guidelines about of about 1/2 years to stay away from relationships this is mainly because you are building a relationship with yourself. All I know is that guys I would like at 14 months wouldn't be guys I would be interested in now at 4 and a half years and thats because I've changed as a person so much and understand what I like and what I don't like, I also have higher self esteem. What does your sponsor advise? x

Another thing to consider is what if the relationship didn't work out, it's the most painful thing a breakup and could lead you back to a drink.

You would also have your partner's illness to deal with and your own. I heard a saying once two sickie's don't make a wellie! xx

Answer 2

You have come so far.

I think a full on intimate relationship will hamper your progress to date. You also have the double whammy of him being a recovering alcoholic as well, and looking for a crutch.

What you really need is a supportive trustworthy buddy, I dont think someone in the same predicament as yourself can give this to you.

You both probably feel you have a connection cause you have both been through so much. Its true you should be concentrating on yourself right now. When you are more comfortable with yourself you will be ready to share your lifes tribulations with another.
Please take the others advice they are looking at this objectively and dont want to see you get hurt.

Answer 3

oh I like orla's idea. be "friends" for 6 months or so. You can support each other. Make a pact to stay sober and say from the beginning that if one of you falls off the wagon, you will sever your friendship as to not pull other other off. I think that is really what the concern is anyway. That if you become lovers and one is weaker than the other and goes back to the bottle, they will drag the other with them. So before you start this make sure you are both committed and on the same level. Then work on it together, but I echo orla in saying stay away from the sexual stuff for a little while longer. That will just mess with your head. Good luck!

Answer 4

Well done, Paula.
I'm no expert, but maybe a relationship with someone in the same position as yourself might benefit both of you. First, each of you can support the other, and secondly the self-discipline of each of you is likely to be stronger, because of the likely consequences of letting the other down.

Answer 5

Congratulations on getting this far.

In early recovery you're already dealing with enough changes as it is, so maybe it's better to put a sexual relationship on hold for a while longer.

However, a supportive friendship shouldn't hurt.

Answer 6

stear clear for a little while yet paula, well done on the 14months mind (not that my congratulations matter). keep yourself in mind for a while yet until the past seems like a bad dream that happened to someone else. Not for me to tell you but another person with dependancy issues is probably not the best choice anyway.

Answer 7

I have NOT been in that situation, how ever I cannot see how you can expect to have a quality relationship with another when you are trying to get your own self straightened out.

Also, what if he falls off the wagon, will it pull you into it too? Will you be strong enough for TWO people?

:O)
Jerry

Answer 8

More power to you paula. You're my hero