My friend wants me (I'm a doctor) to perform an abortion on her w/o telling her husband?

Question

Let me just start off by saying I am a board certified OB/GYN (so no one thinks this is some in-home dangerous operation). My best friend has been trying to get pregnant with her husband for about 4 years, they are in their late 30s. She has had 3 miscarriages and she is about 5 weeks pregnant now. She has said she would just like to end this pregnancy before it ends in another miscarriage as it has really been taking a toll on her and her husbands marriage. She says she will get her tubes tied after/if I do the abortion as she is giving up on having children. I know this would devestate her husband, as he wants a baby desperately too. On one hand she is my best friend, but the guilt I would have...what should I do!?

To the man who said that I could go to jail for this, you are obviously very ignorant. My friend is not a child. Her husband cannot sue me and I cannot lose my medical license b/c I performed an abortion on her. My friend does not need her husbands consent.

For those who say I am not old enough to be board certified? I am 40, it is old enough. I don't need pro-life people protesting, I was simple asking a friend question. I know as a doctor this could have been done and over with as I am well aware of the confidentialities of doctor/patients. I am not looking for medical advice, thats what I went to med school for, it's just a tough decision. and I was looking for opinions. Please hold all your ignorant thoughts. If anyone would like to know where I practice medicine and if they would like to call and see if I am a doctor there, email me and I will gladly tell you the info. :]

Answer 1

Don't perform the abortion and make sure that she gets the best prenatal care possible so that this baby can be born.

Answer 2

Well first of all I would think that the doctor patient privilege would apply here as you are an adult. However keeping something this big from your husband probably isn't the best idea. I know for myself when I get married I would want to know the honest truth if my spouse about anything as specially a big decision such as kids. Eventually the abortions will come out whether you have control over it or not. My suggestion would be to sit down with your husband and tell him what you are going through etc. It's better to come from you then someone else right :)

Answer 3

no ,but in the state of ark the dad can file for the mother not to have the abortion and after the baby is born the mother will have no right to the baby, but no i agree you can't loose your license1 anyway seems to me that you are in a rough spot. I'm sure you agree!!! sorry i know it must be tough on you, but what if this is the pregnancy that works out!!!!! tell her to let god decide weather or not the baby lives or dies! don't do it for her, she will regret it because she'll always wonder if her baby would have made it or not! i had a miscarriage at 5 months on may 24th broke my heart, but i know that i did not have a choice in the matter he just wasn't meant to be here! if she does it not only will she have a lie that could rip her marriage apart worse, but the guilt if knowing she didn't even give that baby a chance. it's not her fault that she's had miscarriages and you know that just try to explain that to her! i wish you the best luck and hope your friend gives birth to a beautiful little baby!

Answer 4

Let me just begin by saying what an awkward position your best friend has put you in!

Secondly, I do not think it is appropriate to perform such a procedure without consulting "the spouse." That is absolutely selfish! I'm sure she is afraid and does not want to be disappointed. Please tell your friend to STEP OUT ON FAITH and believe GOD for a full term pregnancy with no birth defects.

I do not mean to preach, but in this case, it sounds as though your friend need a little faith, even if it's just a mustard seed of faith!

I would caution you to think very hard about this decision. It seems as though morally, you already know the right thing to do. Don't deny the father what may be his last opportunity to be a parent.

If your friend is so adamant about having an abortion, refer her to another reliable and credible OB/GYN and explain to her that morally you would have a guilty conscience about performing this procedure without the husbands consent/knowledge of the situation.

Hope all works out for you and your friend

Answer 5

Hi! I have a couple of things for you to consider. The first one being that she should obviously work this out with her husband. If she doesn't there are some definite issues. You should not pay a emotional price for there issue. I do understand the compassion and closeness you feel toward your friend, but be fair to yourself first. You did express living with the guilt. My point in this is you should not be placed in the predicament of having to feel this way. Which brings me to the the second thing to consider. Please have a heart felt discussion with your friend and express exactly how you are feeling. She obviously cares a lot for you and I am very sure she would more than understand. The last thing I would like to mention is she is obviously going through and has gone through an emotional bout, and she may just need some support from you, and strength. She may very well be reaching out. Good Luck, and please keep me posted!

Answer 6

Assuming that this is an above-board operation and you are simply looking for ethical guidance regarding providing your friend with a legal procedure which you are qualified to perform, I think your friend is suffering from depression as a result of her previous miscarriages; did she ever see a doctor for the emotional trauma? Although it makes no sense to the rest of us, I can understand that she's been deeply wounded by the pain of losing three pregnancies and is terrified of going through that again - in her mind, surely it would be better to just end it now.

As a friend, no, I do not think you should perform the procedure. As a doctor, I think you certainly could (if not would) refuse if a woman came to you with the same story; as a friend, you are only considering it because she has asked it of you as a personal favor and you are torn because you are invested in her wellbeing.

If I were you, I would talk to her and gently say that I think she is making a mistake by giving up on this pregnancy before it has a chance to prove itself viable; that I understand her desire to not try any longer, but that this one is already in process. I would tell her that as her friend, I would not feel comfortable involving myself in this way, and suggest another doctor that you trust if she insists on going through with the abortion.

If you were to go through with it, and she were to realize the mistake she made, it would irreparably ruin your friendship. At all costs, I would avoid being in that position.

My heart goes out to your friend and to you, too, in this delicate and trying time. I hope she is able to find some help sorting through the pain of her losses and I truly hope this pregnancy sticks for her.

Best wishes to you both.

Answer 7

I don't think she is emotionally capable of making this decision. Her hormones and all the added stress of the failed pregnancies prior to this are taking its toll. I certainly hope you realize that her reasoning behind wanting to end the pregnancy is not the result of clear-minded thinking...?
If you preform the abortion, this friend may always wonder, "what if." You will be the only person she can share that with for the rest of her life, if she does not make this decision with her husband. She WILL be more of an emotional wreck than she is now, especially if she has her tubes tied too....

She is scared. Talk her out of it, be there for her, advise counseling. If she miscarries and she blames you for not helping her out, she will get over that. If you do perform the abortion and she wonders "what if" forever, you may not be able to live with that...she may not either.

Good luck to you and her.

Answer 8

Do you think that maybe possibly and I don't mean to insult anyone, but could she possibly be having doubts as to this being the child of her husband whom I respectfully admire your loyalty to your friendship with him? I don't think she is giving up, although the loss she has experienced is great. Maybe refer her to another OB/GYN one whom you respect in the field, that way it is not so personal and then you can express to her that you would wish for her husband to know. Do your best. As a doctor you know you shouldn't tell him against her wishes. Refer her to someone else and have a heart to heart with her as to why you can't do it and maybe that will help. She may argue, but be strong this is not your burden to bear. Your a professional and have acted as a professional in this situation. Remember others hear about stories like these and we want doctor's to be trusted. I think you have known what the right thing is to do all along. You seem like the type who one could turn to no matter what.

Answer 9

You know what? I personally think she is being selfish in involving you in this way. I'm sorry. I know she is your friend, but would you ask such a favor? I sure wouldn't. You seem like a nice guy who has good intentions and I just think the guilt would eat you alive. I certainly wouldn't do it. Too much is at risk here. I am so confused as to why she changed her mind like that. I get it that she wouldn't want to go through another miscarriage, but she knew that was a possibility when she got pregnant. That part just seems odd to me.

So, bottom line....I think you should refuse and tell her that as much as you care about her as a friend, this is a matter that her husband deserves to know about and have a say in, and you don't want any part of it. Just my two cents. Good luck...have to listen to your gut on this one. I think you already know you won't be able to do it.

Answer 10

As a dr., I could perform this procedure, but as your friend, and as your husband's friend, I cannot. The feelings of guilt in keeping this secret from your husband would lay heavily on my conscience for a long time. And I urge you to tell your husband about this pregnancy and try one last time to bring this baby to term. If you really understand your husband's desperation to have a child, you won't abort his last opportunity to have a child with you.

Answer 11

If you were a real doctor, you would know EXACTLY what to do in this situation, & it certainly wouldn't include looking for answers to ethical questions here.

I don't believe you are a real doctor, or that you are even old enough to be a board certified OB/GYN.
To even consider the idea that a genuine doctor be so lacking in judgement as to go looking for professional answers on Yahoo Q&A is just too scary. :-(