I wrote this about my friend who died. What do you think?

Question

want constructive criticism. Please explain why you like it or why you don't like it. Thanks!!!

GOODBYE

Day after day,
The pain becomes more real,
All I can hope is maybe someday,
The hurt will finally heal,

I miss all the days laughing,
I miss the way you talked,
I miss all the smiling,
And all the times we walked,

The accident happened,
The pain will last,
I wonder if the risk would have slackened,
If you hadn't been going so fast,

My heart was breaking,
The news brought great grief,
It was breathtaking,
And I found no relief,

The pain was so terrible,
It still is to this day,
Sometimes it is unbearable,
Even to this very day,

This will hurt more than a bit,
The challenge is here,
I can find no way around it,
I have to say it here,

I will miss you,
I cannot lie,
I hope you miss me too,
But for now I have to say goodbye.

Answer 1

I'm sorry for your loss, and I commend you for being able to write this poem. I couldn't do it; it would be too difficult for me. I don't know anything more about your friend or your relationship than I did before I read it. I don't know what he [she?] looked like, sounded like, said. "I miss all the days laughing . . . " About what? Give me things to identify with you in your grief. You're off to a very good start, and you obviously know how to write, and, by that I mean you know what writing is about and it doesn't scare you. Now, sit down, toss out the cliches, and really dig deep and tell us about this wonderful friend for whom you unquestionably still grieve . . . and why. Good luck.

Answer 2

First off, I'm so sorry. I know, it's terrible to have a friend die =(

Crit: I like it, but just a few tweaks

"The accident happened,
The pain will last,
I wonder if the risk would have slackened,
If you hadn't been going so fast,"

I know you're going for an ABAB rhyme scheme, but 'slackened' sounds a bit try-too-hard compared to the rest of the vocab used. I can see why you used it though; I can't think of any other words that would fit there.

Also: The precise rhyming and perfect four line blocks make it overall seem too formal. It's okay to add an extra line or go out of scheme if it can really get your raw feeling through to the reader. Try experimenting with different schemes, elaborating on some stanzas. Just make sure as much of your emotion as possible can get through.

Answer 3

That is a very nice tribute to a friend who has passed on. I know what you are going through because my best friend from college passed on in 1998 from a liver transplant. I knew she had been ill because of her diabetes, but I never dreamed she had this other problem, too. What really upset me was that I was not even notified about it until 10 days AFTER she died, and I was not able to say good-bye to her. Even worse--to me because I don't believe in it--was the fact she was cremated. So now, on each Memorial Day, I add an extra flower or two next to my Dad's grave to honor her memory.

Answer 4

Aww...I'm so sorry about your friend! This piece is pretty good, but you might want to change the last line in verse 5. It's much to similar to the second line in that verse. I especially like the last verse, though. This poem's really heartfelt, it almost makes me want to cry. I'm a sucker for poems, books, songs, anything about a goodbye. I actually cried when my science camp group was singing "Shooting Star"!

Answer 5

It's good, I dont think heartfelt poetry should be criticized because you cant say that someones feelings or emotions are wrong. i think its beautiful. and I'm so sorry for your loss.

When my Dad died 2 years ago I wrote alot! It really helps you feel better by expressing your pain.

Answer 6

I like it, its very honest and truthful to your real feelings.

However, I have one comment. you can change "The hurt will finally heal,
" to " The wound will finally heal,"