be honest is this a good or bad poem?

Question

I saw you in the hall
you made me smile
when your eyes caught mine.
i talked to you online,
for hours at a time
i couldn't be sure
of what was happening
all i knew is
that slowly but surely
you tore the wall down around my heart,
you made me fall for you
harder than i think you meant to
you told me you cared about me,
i told you i cared about you too
but now I'm wishing
you would've left "us" alone
and left my wall standing strong cause now I'm lying here
feeling as if
i watched my world
shatter before my eyes,
and now all i can see
is you,

walking away with her

Answer 1

Nice prose, kid.

Answer 2

Good concept, good set up, fantastic turn at the end...but not so good a poem.

However, the concept, the turn, etc., mean that it "could" be a good poem...all it needs is some work.

Some of the other comments have noted that your poem sounds a bit "prosey", meaning that there are several lines that read like a diary entry or article for the school newspaper. However, other lines are perfectly poetical and show how much promise this poem really has going for it.

The wall metaphor is great, do more with it. Something like "lying here like a pile of bricks, feeling as if..."

and at the end, maybe use ellipses (...) after "you" so it looks like:

all I see is you...

...walking away with her

This gives the extra pause for the turn at the end...great ending by the way!

Keep at it, this poem is worth the effort.

Answer 3

Yeah, exactly. What I hated about grades 7-12 was how few romances lasted more than weeks. Even a few months, awesome. Years, absolutely unheard of. I think that's just the nature of the adolescent beast, male and female. Plus, it's just too darn early to have longstanding relationships when this is the time for self-discovery and learning to choose what we like and need. But it all feels so cruel when you're at the wrong end of the choosing. And it's all so fleeting anyway. What you read in a person one day just isn't there the next. I'm so glad I'm not going through that anymore.

In any event, I thought your poem was a very pure expression of the experience you had with this person. I thought the ending was excellent.

I think I understand that because of the hurt, you wish this person had left you, and your wall, intact. In other words, you feel you would have been better off never having fallen for him to begin with. But check yourself...this is going to happen again, not just to you, but boys you date and dump. It's just life, esp. for you and your age right now. Please don't allow this to poison your desire or ability to make friends and have relationships with boys. There's an old cliche: Everything that doesn't kill me makes me stronger. It's rather tongue in cheek...meant to be somewhat humorous, but there's some truth to it as well.

Sorry, I digress. Yes, I liked your poem. I would like to see more. My experience is I have gained a lot of self-knowledge from writing poems about my personal experiences. Good luck!

Answer 4

This poem has some good images. I like the idea of the wall being torn down, then being left standing strong. The ending is very effective, because it comes as a surprise - you don't know why he left her until the last line.
The rhyme in line 3-4, "mine" and "online" seems out of place because there's no rhyming in the rest of the poem.
I think you have some promise as a poet. The more you write, the better you'll get. Also read lots of poetry by published poets. Good luck!

Answer 5

A poem is completely personal. Yours is full of emotion and I, for one, feel very sad. When you said, "I watched my world shatter..." it brings back painful memories from years back.

My advice to you: don't ask anyone else for an opinion on your writing. You're coming from a "wounded" point in your life. How could anyone feel exactly what you are feeling? Believe in your writing.

Answer 6

Making a poem is good. I think its intellectual. The quality of the poem I find is OK. I would give you a C+, because of missing patterns and Rimes but the content is continues and based on one theme.

Answer 7

sounds good,in good thought.to many words to digest,at one time.divide it into 3 or 4,4 line stanzas.ie...
like you,
just as you are.
as i sleep,
i see you as a vision

but that vision
is only just.....
a dream...
a dream that will not fade.

just an example,that's all.off the cuff,but break it up a bit,don't want to sound to others like ur reading a essay.

Answer 8

Hi : )
My honest opinion:
i like your thinking, i write similar (depressing, lol) poems. i think you should have some structure to it, though. Put it in stanzas, and the 7th last line is too long, you can divide it. except for those points, i like it, you're making good points, and i like it. : ) hope i helped.

Answer 9

really good concept, can use more ryming though alot more ryming

but its a good concept and other then ryming i really liked it

and if thats true thats probably enuf inpiration for a few more poems, and also if its true im terribly sorry that happened

Answer 10

Nice poem, from the heart. Makes me wanna hurt him so it's pretty good, graphic, imaginative, sad. I like it.

Answer 11

i like it. sounds like a real life happening. i think a lot of people have lived thru something like that. in your mind it was worth writing it down and sometimes it helps get you back on track. keep writing i think you have a good start.