As of now I am extremely hurt.....We got married 10 years ago and we have a beautiful family But when I came home from work the other day, my wife was on the phone and didn't hear me come in. As I passed the kitchen, I overhead a part of her conversation, which included: "If he knew I was on the pill, he'd kill me." Shocked, I discussed it with her and she said that she will never use it again and felt terrible after seeing how hurt I was. But now 3 months later I see that she is on it again. What should I do or say to her to save this marriage after such a betrayal? I still love her.
2007-07-13 10:52:51 · 20 answers · asked by joe 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
ask her.
i'm sure there's a reason.
i can see you being more upset if she stopped it without telling you first.
2007-07-13 10:58:13 · answer #1 · answered by Kaja 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
On the outermost surface, your question sounds like you don't understand why your spouse would lie to you. Trust is essential in a marriage; she should not have lied.
BUT, you haven't said why you don't want her on the pill. When you discussed it with her before, did you not ask her why she wanted to be on it?
Are you sterile? So that her being on the pill could mean she is considering sex with someone else? If so, then you should probably get out now.
But if it is because she does not want to be pregnant, why didn't you accept that? If you have an earnest belief that BC is morally wrong, then are you willing to not have sex?
Why should you get to decide whether she gets pregnant or not? Even if you really want more kids, you are not the one who bears the physical burden, nor the medical risks. Yes, women DO still die in childbirth. Only she has the right to decide if she's willing to take that risk.
Mutual respect is also essential in a marriage.
You don't seem to respect her desire to prevent a pregnancy. Even if you judge very strictly by the Biblical text about the man being the head of the woman, the same scripture says you (the man) are supposed to love her *as yourself*. That means you respect her feelings and choices about her body as much as you respect your feelings and choices about your body. If YOU did not want a major surgery, should she be able to make you have it anyway? (And if she seemed to have that power, wouldn't you be tempted to lie to avoid the surgery?) Whatever her reasons, she should get to make the final decisions about her body.
What should you tell her?
IMO - You should tell her you are sorry for trying to control her.
Then, if you have a strong reason specifically against the pill, the 2 of you should work out together how to prevent pregnancy if that's what she wants. And then, if you still seem to have a problem with honesty and trust, perhaps some counseling would help.
2007-07-13 13:51:12 · answer #2 · answered by scc 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You need to have a long, honest talk about whether or not your "beautiful" family needs more children. She obviously does NOT want to be pregnant right now.
You didn't say why her being on the 'pill' was such an issue. So, discuss the issue at the base of this problem, which appears to be pregnancy.
Trust can be rebuilt. Your marriage can be saved with honesty from both of you.
2007-07-13 14:39:25 · answer #3 · answered by joyh 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Why does it matter to you that she's on birth control? I mean, have the 2 of you been TRYING to have children? Unless you have a moral objection to birth control, I don't see what the big deal is. SHE is the main one to have to deal with children, so shouldn't she have a say in whether or not she takes birth control? This is something the 2 of you just need to talk about. I would be MORE concerned about the fact that your wife of 10 yrs thinks she cannot talk to you about this! You need to re-evaluate how you come across to her. Perhaps you have overreacted about such things in the past or don't appear to have an open mind when it comes to the pill. For some reason, she felt the need to hide this from you and THAT is the real problem here.
2007-07-13 11:35:53 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Obviously, she doesn't want any more children now. That's her right too, isn't it? I mean, do you know how much PAIN comes in labor? Plus, after the baby is here, most of the time Mom takes care of MOST of it's needs? I think if THIS is a betrayal to you, Dude, you should have to walk in and hear her talking sex to another man, the way many of us have! Talk with her. Consider her side. If you already have children, it's okay, isn't it? To let her have a break from being just a mother and a wife? You need to have time in life to enjoy each other ALONE too, and you'll never get to do that if you keep her pregnant. Think of HER some too, what she might want too, and not just yourself. Sorry, don't mean to sound harsh, but it sounds to me like she feels controlled on everything INCLUDING what happens to her own body. Sooner or later, women run away from you altogether if you treat them in this manner. Do you want to lose her?
2007-07-13 11:09:45 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Explain to her that you must have open, honest communication. If you two don't want the same thing now you should be able to discuss it. I know you're upset about the pill, but you're probably just as hurt about being lied to by someone you trust. Best of luck, hope everything works out.
2007-07-13 11:19:33 · answer #6 · answered by ? 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow, I had the precise comparable communication with my boyfriend (now fiance) some 12 months in the past. He suggested the comparable element "hated it right here and needed to flow" yet he has all his fam and acquaintances right here and an incredible activity. I felt the comparable as you "he's extremely smart yet might probably earnings from some extra journey so as to get the place he needed" So weird and wonderful he reacted the comparable way. we are the two 23 and an underlying reason for me asserting that grow to be because of the fact i might omit him extraordinarily if he moved. i'm nonetheless in school so i might stay right here until i'm finished. We argued and he introduced me to tears additionally. i grow to be truthful that's what he needed and that i informed him that. i finished up telling him that underlying reason I suggested until now. I mean i myself spilled my guts. It grow to be sparkling as day how a lot I enjoyed him and can omit him. It softened him up plenty. So i finished up telling him to coach and notice the place it have been given him. I informed him i might help him in in spite of happend. He have been given shot down some situations yet ended up staying interior the comparable employer yet getting a merchandising to vast apple (we are from Nebraska so because it particularly is incredibly a strategies away). He left yet until now he did he proposed. no longer asserting which will take place on your case yet are not you somewhat worried approximately how a lot you will omit him? i think of you ought to enable him comprehend if so. additionally tell him you would be supportive of any decision he makes. he's gotta get a job until now he is going everywhere acceptable? So in basic terms motivate him to coach (b/c that would not harm something) and be supportive while he would not get it and tell him how a lot that employer is lacking out and chuffed while he does. wish all is going properly. terrific needs.
2016-12-10 11:22:10 · answer #7 · answered by inabinet 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, obviously she doesn't want any more kids right now or maybe ever. Instead of getting on to her for being on the pill, why not find out WHY she is on it!
Why are you so hurt? Is it b/c you want more kids and thought she did too? Is it b/c she didn't talk to you about getting on the pill? Is it for religious reasons? Or what?
Communiction is the key to any relationship.... HONEST communication
2007-07-13 11:07:45 · answer #8 · answered by Lindsay G 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
unless you both planned a bigger family, i dont see it as a betrayal, she obviously doesnt want any more children, for now, or maybe for good, if you do, well then you both have this to discuss, but it takes 2 to make that baby, and if she's not up for it, then you must decide if your relationship is enough, and you say you have children, so be blessed with what you have, this doesnt have to be hugh.
2007-07-13 11:06:51 · answer #9 · answered by natc 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
what's wrong with being on the pill? how many more kids do you want to bring into this world? why is she afraid to tell you she is on the pill? it's a free world and if she doesn't want any more kids, then i have to say she's being responsible. i don't understand why this bothers you other than there is a reason why she is fearful of telling you. that's the issue.
2007-07-13 11:00:51 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Keep her on the pill. The last thing you need is to bring innocent children into a marriage where there's no honest, and no trust. Get counseling.
2007-07-13 10:56:49 · answer #11 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋