Do abuser ever change!!?

Question

I have been married for 15ys together 17 in the begining the signs were there but I didnt read them !! I will try to make this short !! He didnt like my hair style he didnt like my cloths, I couldnt lay out the sun on 35 acres for someone would see me,I couldnt workout ,I couldnt go to the tanning bed,I was to made feel like I wasnt good enough , everything I did was wrong, everytime I would fix something about me that he didnt like then there was something else he would find , he threatin to leave me all the time, he told me I should think about things before I said them , I have been cussed out over his sister,freinds,his son,and even a stranger, I felt like opipion was not important, I had to fight with him to him to take me see my parents out of town when something would happen to them,ETC Well I left him 6 month ago couldnt take it anymore, but now he saids he has changed and he loves me and missed me , but I dont see it he has not made any changes to get me back !! please help!!

Answer 1

Imagine this........ you are in a burning house. The walls are on fire.... beams are falling down around you. The heat is almost unbearable and every breath is a choked gasp. At the last possible minute, you find a way out of the flames and into the cool night air, where your family is there to greet you. They have clean clothes for you, they have cool water to drink.

But for some reason......... you decide to run back into the burning house.

That's what you are doing......... you got out......... but now, you are searching for reason's to go back in.... maybe the fire will change and it won't burn you. Maybe the fire has changed and it won't take away your freedom, or access to your family. Maybe the fire won't kill you.

But......... fire doesn't change its nature, does it? No......... it can only be contained or extinguished.

Do not... under any circumstances... believe that he's changed after so little time. He's just realizing what he is missing and is fearful that he won't find another woman who will stand next to his "fire".

Answer 2

I was married to my abusive xhusband for 20 years. The last two, we were separated. During our separation, until he met the woman he has now married a year into the separation, he acted much different. The kids actually got some of his time. He wasn't being abusive towards them. Once he met this other woman, the divorce was final, and he remarried immediately, he started being more abusive than he ever had been before.
If he hasn't been in counseling, intense counseling, the entire 6 months you've been apart, he has not changed. I guarantee this 100%!!!!

Answer 3

He hasn't changed. He needs help and you need to stay out now that you have finally gotten out of there.
You may want to think about getting s/ counseling though. YOu sound pretty strong, but after 17 years he probably knows how to push the right buttons to get you to come back and you really don't need too. Just try the counseling to help you get back on your own two feet and realize what a good person you are, w/o all of his put downs and abuse.

Good luck

Answer 4

My ex-husband was doing most of the things you describe. When I filed for divorce from my ex-husband, he started in that same stuff trying to get me to change my mind. He told me he would change and that he would do things to help me around the house. Now four and a half years later I'm divorced from him, and he is still trying to control and manipulate me -- even take my kids away from me yet again. I am a much stronger person than I was. There is no way I would ever go back to him now.

Please do a search on Yahoo or Google for emotional abuse. You'll see that is what he is doing to you. Please feel free to email me, and I can share more.

Answer 5

While people like him can change, they can't change on their own and in 6 months. Its a process. After 15 years you deserve to be happy. If you really want the marriage to work then he needs to get professional help alone and with you. If he isn't wiling, then he hasn't changed. I totally believe that he loves you. Thats why they do it. They love you so much they feel the only way to keep you from ever leaving them is to make you feel as though no one else would ever want you. Please know that this is not your fault. He has some underlying issues with himself that may stem back to his childhood. Whatever the reasons, someone who did this for 15 years can't change in 6 months. Good Luck.

Answer 6

He will change from a short period of time, from a couple of hours to a couple of days. He'll be on his best behavior until he feels comfortable that he's got you locked in. Then he'll go back to his old ways or worse.

They all say they change so you'll take them back. The main reason he wants you back is he probably can't find anyone that will take his abuse like you did.

You should never, ever let anyone treat you like that. There are a lot of kind, gentle men out there that will treat you with respect.

Answer 7

My brother in law is/was an abuser, but never changed until forced to through a police incident. He was not allowed back into his home until the judge saw improvement from intensive counseling.

He worked VERY hard to change, so it won't happen without a HELL of a lot of effort on your husbands part.
DO NOT fall into the "I've changed" trap! Tell him you won't come back until his COUNSELOR tells you he has changed. Then stick to it!

I'm guessing there's no counselor, there's no change, there's no hope. I think you are better off alone unless he really DOES seek counseling.
God bless...

Answer 8

well i think you already know the answer to this..... but in case you don't, i have one. i say ignore him. now these days a man never changes. this "man" has verbally abused you with his words, right. well i say don't take him back unless you've started a family with him already now that's different situation. (but even in that case, it doesn't matter). I'm just surprised that no one like his sister or friends ever said something. i have the exact same situation but instead it was my parents. everything was the same, the words, the family and friends doing nothing to help. but just sometimes its better for someone to see Ur situation from their point of view then just yours. if you catch my drift.
need anymore info (cause i got lots email me at [e-mail]

Answer 9

i think of so in the event that they have experienced an excellent existence changing adventure. I say this cos my dad beat my mum because of the fact they have been given married (1996) till ultimately i became into 10 (2008). the super adventure became into me and my sisters starting to be up and being waiting to communicate for ourselves,voice our concerns and safeguard our mum. She did no longer divorce him as quickly as and because then no longer a single act of violence. nevertheless presently the tables have became with my mum abusing my dad- I nevertheless evaluate him an excellent dad. and that i do think of that they are able to alter yet they have the aptitude to bypass back and that's the main crucial element to contemplate. Have youthful new child? possibly ultimate to bypass on. you would be grateful later.

Answer 10

NO they don't.
It is called the cycle of violence. Whether the violence is emotional, verbal or physical. Everything is all tense and tension continues to build until the violent phase, which is then followed by the honeymoon phase- all nicey nice. And then you go round and round again.
No, they don't change. Create the life you want!
Seek counseling so you continue to learn how to treat yourself with love.