Recently I discovered my husband had an affair with woman he met online. He pretended to be single and started

Question

to talk to various women. Eventually he got serious with only one. It got so intense that they got together and slept w/eachother. He evn fell in love with her! When finally approached him, he denied at first but then he admitted it. In the end, I gave him a choice. He chose me because he loved me more than he loved her. My question is for those of you who have experience it, and have forgiven, how have you gotten past it and survived marriage? It's been hard for me. I've been depressed at times. I wonder if he really loves me anymore!!!!!! I just would like to hear from people who have experienced it first hand. I love him w/all my heart and would love to move on!!! Please help!!!

Answer 1

The sad thing is that you will never forget it. While you may have forgiven him, you will never forget that he betrayed you in the most horrible way. I wasn't married to "him" yet but we were in a 5 year relationship and months away from getting married when I found out that he had cheated with a woman from work. He admitted to me that he did have feelings for her and I gave him a choice. He also picked me b/c he loved me more. It's just so hard to get over it. You will always get paranoid when he is late from work or even gets online to check his email. I'm not saying that he will do it again. There are men who cheat only once. However, if you really want this marriage to work you have to be honest and communicate with him. I know I tried to just pretend it didn't happen and kept all of my insecurities inside until it blew up. You can't do that. He must understand that you are feeling insecure and you have every right to be. Talk to him. Let him know when you aren't feeling ok or loved as much as you'd like. If he wants to make it work he will understand. Counseling is also a good idea for some people. If you can't sit and talk to your husband and really talk without getting angry or upset, you may need a third neutral party. There is a reason he strayed. If you can't get it out of him, the maybe a counselor can. In my situation (which I am no longer in) he admitted that he did it b/c she made him feel free. He didn't have to worry about things when he was with her. Some men get stressed with work and the everyday demands of life and use an affair as their escape. You need to find the reasons so that they can be corrected so that it doesn't happen again. This is really hard. It is something that still to this day I think about and I am completely over him and getting married to a wonderful man in January. Its just hard to forget when someone that you gave your heart to betrays you. I wish you the best of luck. Remember what ever happens, this has made you a stronger person!

Answer 2

I can tell you that the love you have for him, if strong enough, and also the love he has for you - your marriage can surive and be repaired. In fact, while most affairs, start off with talk then lead to sex, most are not about the wanting to fall in love with someone else. They are about a need that was not being filled at home, this was his fault - one for not communicating that to you and too for hiding his "second life" from you.

There really is no magic cure to "get over" it, you feel betrayed, hurt, second best, and like you may lose the love of your life to someone who you think may be better than you. Please take note that if your husband loves you, then you are his number one and the other girl, while exciting for him, was just a case of lust.

This type of betrayal is extremely hard on everyone in the family, not just you. He is feeling bad himself I am sure. He is asking himself, why did I do that to the woman I am supposed to love and what is missing from my marriage. Where did things go so wrong that I would cheat on my wife. I can tell you from experience that it was more than likely the thrill of the hunt and that rush he was feeling by cheating.

The fact alone that he wants to stay should tell you that he loves you and wants to work things out.

The both of you should be talking about everything about what happened, just get it out in the open and move on from it. Don't use it against him and don't bring it up in a formal setting with others, unless he does. If he feels like I did, he is ashamed that it happened and talking about it in front of others, may make him think you don't respect him trying to work things out.

This can be a turning point in your marriage I would use this as an opportunity to re-establish that love and commitment you both once had for eachother. Find the love that makes you smile and hold that.

Answer 3

I went thru this same thing you are talking about with my wife 8 yrs ago. While I was working my butt off to keep her home with the kids she met someone online and had a relationship during the day. Counseling does not do crap because the counselor unless they personally been thru something like this themselves can not relate. It is like going to a priest for marriage counseling who has never been married.
It has been 8 years now and I still do not trust her, she will never know what it feels like and the stomach ache it gave me for years during and following. I do not know if I will ever trust her again and I really only stayed for my kids who were young at the time. I knew something was going on and all I heard was I was crazy, insecure...etc.
I still find myself not telling her everything due to not wanting it to come and bite me in the butt if we do get divorced. It has gotten better and I do not find myself going thru her computer as much checking the history and I did delete the spyware I had on it. It is hard and it will be something you will never forget, ever. It is like walking into the basement and hitting your head, you will always remember to duck after the first time. And for all of you out there, if you think your spouse is cheating and you have a feeling, chances are your feeling is right.

Answer 4

I think once you've been betrayed, and trust has been broken, it's very hard. It can be done, but only if you totally let go of it. Is he worth the risk? This is something you have to ask yourself. If you take the chance, there is a possibility that he'll do it again. For me, I don't think I could stay in it. That would damage my heart too much. If you're going to spend the rest of your days worrying about what or who he's doing, talking to, where he's going, etc, "Being" with him seems like an awfully big price to pay to be sacrificing your peace of mind.
I caught my husband chatting erotica, posting dating service ads, making plans to meet someone, and found out from these people that nothing really took place. That was like 2 years ago, and I STILL haven't forgotten or truly let it go. It's probably going to be the end of us, because I'm much stronger now because of HIM doing that to me, and I won't put up with ONE MORE mess up.

Answer 5

Well it's not gonna be easy. First I suggest you both atend counciling, YOUR GONNA need help finding out if he is lying
AND your gonna have to find out what actions that your doing are turning him OFF. If you want him back you also have to WANT him back, and not just tolerate him.

TRUST is the BIG thing, part of counciling lets you "Check in on him" as he rebuilds trust. This means knowing where he is at at all times. IT don;t mean no time with the guys, you just have to have a way to PROVE he is with the guys if you feel the need to check.

another thing HE has to break all contact with the other woman, as long as she is providing for 1 or 2 of his 5 basic needs, you don't have a chance. but this means YOU will have to step up, and learn the needs being filled, and start caring for your man.

His Needs, Her Needs, really helps you understand this.
and The 5 Love languages helps you both identify what language you each speak.

I also suggest Woman Power for you. See if your sending him negative or even mixed signals and stop. once you send a clear, and consistent message things might work out.

God Bless, and hope it works.

Answer 6

I have been cheated on but I don't think I could deal with actually seeing the details of an affair. I am still going through the hurt but I think that if you made a decision to stay with him then you must really love him. If he chose you then he probably does love you, but honestly does that erase the fact that he cheated? Most cheaters do love their mate, but they just want to do what they want to do. I would always keep what he did in the back of my mind but you have to try to move on. That's the thing I am telling myself. But I know for a fact that I will never have 100% trust in him or any man again.

Answer 7

This is from first hand experience. You will never move on, and never fully trust him. And, you are fooling yourself if you believe that your husband loves you. You can see how easy it was for him to fall in love with someone else. Just because he chose to stay doesn't not verify anything except that he doesn't want to get a divorce. Your husband will have more affairs in the future. This is not over. My advice to you would be to file for divorce because that is the ONLY way you will be able to move on. Living with a cheater is not a life. You will forever be suspicious of him, you will get older and older wasting your life, and you will NEVER be at peace.

Answer 8

I guess I'm wondering why you gave HIM the choice to stay or go, rather than making the decision on your own?

Do you not value yourself as a person worthy of respect, or are you afraid of being on your own?

That said, if you want it to work, go get some counseling for yourself in addition to couples counseling. If he isn't interested in counseling, I can't see any reason to stay in the relationship. Unless he makes some serious changes, I think the saying "a leopard never changes his spots" applies.

Answer 9

oh sweety, i feel for u, really do. love is a matter of love. it has no room for selfishness or hate, it also dosent invlove three.forgiving him is the right thing to do IF u really love him.but u have to love ur self first. now the ? is do u love ur self? if you do and u feel that forgiving him was the right thing to do then just look for a better tomorrow. now the trust is broken, so........ do u still love him? remember love is based on trust, sacrifice, and humbleness. sacrifizing urself for this marrige is what u r doing right now.... and bieng humble is what u r about to do by leaving this horrible incident behind. what is he doing? is he wanting to go to counseling? is he trying to make it up to u? what ?
think about this....... if ur willing to set everything aside, what is he doing for u?
if u want this marrige to work , u need to love ur self first then love him.
i really wish u the best of luck.........

Answer 10

First accept that what he did was not about you. You have to accept that it was something he did and forgive him for doing it. If you can't / won't forgive him then end the marriage before it makes the two of you hate each other.