Husband with past infidelity...?

Question

5 years ago(while we were newlyweds) my sister came to visit us (she's older) and while she was sleeping,my husband came on to her (as in sexually rubbing her) She told me the next morning and I in turn left him for this. After many long conversations about us, I went back home. My family was furious but I had an obligation to my husband also (as did he) He told me that he didn't know what he was thinking and was sorry. He said that he was unhappy with me because I wasn't a good wife(i vouche that I was not. I was sleeping all day,no job, and lazy while putting on 30 pounds) and I wonder if he would have done it if I was good to him. Anyways, five years later,what happened is still in my head. It will not go away and I have given him heck about it since,hanging it over his head after forgiving him. He has been good to me ever since this happened. My family still acts really odd around him as does my sister. Everything is awkward to this day. Any help on moving past this?

Answer 1

Girl, just always remember,.. hidden resentment is always the bigger of fools. If you truly wish to forgive him then do so and tell yourself in your head that it cant be brought up or thought about again. And anytime it does pop in your mind you need to find a diversion really quick to stop yourself from manifesting it. Believe me, in time it will happen less and less. But also remember that if you truly don't forgive him for it that saying you did and then bringing it up and hanging it over his head is just as wrong. I mean his actions were wrong without a doubt but for every situation there is a reaction. noble or not the truth is your lack of care for much else made him feel un wanted and not very loved. If your going to continue to blame him for his actions remember to add yourself to your own list of wrongs because even though how you were didn't constitute the behavior he did it still was his difficult factor and what he feels caused him to be irrational. Two wrongs don't make a right but just the same he did forgive you and move forward and is trying to right his wrong. Realize even though he was being a stupid man, not much happened in reality and it didn't go further. He learned his lesson. Its time for you to let it go.

Answer 2

You either made this up, or you're stupid. First of all, of course your family (especially your sister!) act odd around him. They're keeping on eye on him making sure he doesn't start molesting them at any moment. Second of all, there is NO excuse for cheating so the fact that you were being lazy without a job (while that might have sucked for him) is still no excuse.
If you want to stay with him, accept the fact that no family memebers will ever be visiting and never bring it up to him again. If you're not willing to do that, then you really don't want to be with him so leave.

Answer 3

If you're still hanging it over his head then obviously you have NOT forgiven him. Either be a good wife (don't sleep all day and contribute to the health of your marriage) and move on or get out and divorce. Hanging onto this is not healthy or fair to you or him.

Yes it was wrong but when men feel unwanted and unappreciated this sort of thing can happen. If you can trust him now then give him a chance. Punishing him for years won't help anyone.

Answer 4

No you won't get past this.....because this statement is NO REASON FOR HIS ACTIONS!!!!!!
"He said that he was unhappy with me because I wasn't a good wife(i vouche that I was not. I was sleeping all day,no job, and lazy while putting on 30 pounds) and I wonder if he would have done it if I was good to him."

It was BULLSH!T, it was a way to manipulate you, and justify his actions!!!! That is why you don't feel good about it. Regardless of what you were or weren't doing, your behavior does not excuse him for his actions plain and simple.

Answer 5

You shouldn't have to get past it. Even if you weren't the best wife you could have been in the past, you didn't do anything like what he did, and that didn't make what he did right. He is still very wrong for doing what he did.

Staying together or leaving is your choice to make, not mine, and it sounds like you have decided to stay. I would say that the best thing to do is to consciously stop yourself when you considerer mentioning it around him. You don't have to be ok with it, it was a horrible thing, just try not to bring it up, and hopefully it will be easier for both of you to deal with.

Answer 6

Your sister will never forget the incident. so do your family.
He shouldnt put the blame on you indirectly by saying you were 'not a good wife'. Its just an excuse.

To me, the act is wrong regardless of the reasons he gives.

Answer 7

Stop bringing it up in any situation. Lose weight. Freely give him your body any time he wants it. Give him great sex.

Praise him for all the good things he does.

Tell you sister to stop acting wierd now.

Let time heal all the rest.

Praise him while you are around your family.

Answer 8

if you really want to get over it and cant then talk to a therapist....maybe both can go.

If youre still not comfortable in dealing with the situation try separating and maybe the time spent apart will make you realize how stong your marriage is...or isnt.

Answer 9

Your husband used your behavior to excuse his bad behavior. What he did is unacceptable and no one in your family is likely to forget it.

If you are unhappy in a relationship, you leave it before testing the waters elsewhere...that is, if you have morals and respect the person you married.

Your husband obviously did not respect you and it sounds like you don't respect yourself.

Answer 10

There is no going past this. What if he had raped your sister? You need to leave him. That was no excuse to hit on your sister and you should be glad that you have such a good family. Leave the bastard.