I was (and still am) married when this happened. Am I a cheater?

Question

Unintentionally, I walked into a certain port city hotel in the Persian Gulf a few years ago. The power of aggressive female sexuality bombarded me from every side, as prostitutes from all over the world propositioned me. The seduction game was reversed. The rawness of women selling their flesh, pretending that they desire their customers is a game; but I respect something about their objective detachment from my values, and I'm attracted by their aggressive use of their feminine sensuality - converting it into cash for their children and families back home. A beautiful Ethiopian woman with fine features, dressed to seduce, covered in gold and a scent that made me want to lick her all over, sat down at my table. (See Additional Details)

In a joking way, I asked, "So are you here on business or pleasure." She laughed. I told her I am a Greek American, named Sultan. And I'd been on the road for months. I asked if she knew of any Ethiopian restaurants in town. Before she replied, I slipped her $200 under the table. She took my hand and led me outside to catch a cab. We went to some poor section of town, away from all the big hotels and glitter. She talked about her little brother, and how her widowed mother believed she was away working for a logistics company. She talked about a boy who she loved back home who was waiting for her to send for him. She told me about how she'd been caught in a scam with some other girls, who thought they were going to overseas for real jobs. They'd borrowed money from other families in their villages, to pay the con man a placement fee for their jobs and for their air tickets. Upon arrival, the jobs all fell through, and the man left them in debt and thousands of miles from home

Owing over $2000 each, these girls were introduced to 'the life' by other women who had fallen into the same trap. Room and board was costing about $50 per week. The tools of the trade, clothes, contraception & beauty supplies, were another major direct expense. An average night's net income, after taxis and club door fees, would be about $70. Some nights would bring in $200, but other nights are a loss. She had been in 'the life' for about 6 months, and had just about paid off her debt. She was planning on going home as soon as she was finished, unless she could find a real job. She said that once she got back to Ethiopia she would never talk about this part of her life again. It would be her secret forever. I told her to forget about it for that night; she wasn't in the life for now. She could go anytime she liked, and I was game for anything.

Over dinner at the Ethiopian canteen, she talked about her plans to go to university and become a teacher. Her fiancé was working as a taxi driver - which I know is the doorway to all opportunity in Africa. In my work, I get my best market intelligence from taxi drivers. They are the ones who really know what's happening in any city. I pay them well, and they often become my managers. She told me about how her father died of cancer and how her mother had struggled over the past few years. Her older brother was away at school, and her little brother was home. She was paying his school fees, and she missed him very much. After dinner, she took me to an Ethiopian night club. The floor show was magical. She seemed to know most of the performers, who ranged from young boy dancers to female singers to male musicians. I saw her give them part of the money I'd slipped her.. I asked why; she said, "These are my brothers and sisters. They don't get paid for except for tips."

It was about midnight, and I wanted to get back to my hotel. I thanked her for showing me around and started heading for the door of the night club. She said, "Please wait for me." After saying something to someone who looked like the owner of the club, she met me at the door. She said, "I am so thankful for tonight. No one, since I came to this country has ever asked me about my family. Can I please see you again? Can I at least make you coffee tomorrow morning? I lied, and told her that I was on my way to another country. She pulled my mobile phone off of my belt and saved her number in it. She said, "You don't know how much tonight has meant to me. Thank you Sultan." She kissed me on each side of my face, and I left her standing in the doorway.

The next morning I couldn't stop thinking about this woman. I thought of the impossible deception she would attempt upon her return to Ethiopia. Her 'secret garden' would be full of 'the life'. On the outside, she'd be a primary school teacher. She'd be a wife and a mother. She would teach Sunday school in her local Orthodox congregation. She would lie wonderfully about her year abroad, for the sake of her husband and family. While making love to her husband, she'd struggle to minimize the memories of hundreds of men who had used her body as a depository for their semen. She would discount her sexual experiences as mere work - for the honor of her husband and reputation of her family. I wanted to go to her for that cup of coffee. I pulled out my cell phone and found the number that she'd saved. I closed my eyes, and pushed the delete button. I was, and still am, married when this happened. Am I a cheater?

Lisa B ... yes, my wife knows all my stories. She's also reads all my questions on Y!A.

Peanut ... it's true. It all happened by accident; and I shared the story with my wife as soon as I saw her. She echoed your feelings (except maybe for being one in a million ... smile). Thanks for your comments.

Answer 1

Dear Sultan,

You are a one in a million guy. Your wife should be so very proud of you and your restraint and determination. I loved reading of your encounter and what you thought. It was very moving because it sounded so real. If it was not real, please don't tell me.

I understand that life is very hard for people in third world countries. I try to contribute to a charity that puts the money to work instead of in their pockets because we are our brothers keeper. I cannot and would not leave my family, but I do feel for the thousands in this world who do not have anything approaching an "easy" life. When this world is gone, we will learn how very much we are all brothers and sisters.

Very moving. Thank you for your perspective. No, you didn't cheat, and I'm glad.

Answer 2

wow that was long. ummm....yeah what you did was kinda wrong. you did the right thing by deleting her number. you should avoid situations like this. its playing with fire. besides you know she is just in that lifestyle for the money...wouldnt you feel bad if you were just like every other guy who found her exotic and fascinating and wanted to put it in her.

listen, most "everyday" people are exotic. i am a 26 year old khaki wearing suburban wife who, in my teens and early twenties, had plenty of wild adventures. my husband appears to be a straightlaced business man but oh the stories i could tell you about when he was younger. bottom line...she is a hooker that is stuck in a horrible situation until she can get out...or she was playing her cards right to get money from you without having to sleep with you. anyways, try finding the hidden exotic side of your own wife.

Answer 3

Okay if this is real no it's not considered cheating you just gave a woman 200 dollars

On the other hand if it isn't real you definitely have a way with words and I was very much intrigued. You should look into a career in story telling.

Answer 4

Okay, you didn't sleep with her, but your head in the beginning was right there mister. It is very nice you and she were respectful with one another, but you slipped her 2 bills. and you were attracted to her, that is cheating, cheating of the minds, but still cheating. I would not want my husband to have had such an intimate encounter. If she had told you this story while you were waiting for the bus or something and you gave her the money just to help her out, ok. but not in the order that it went down. You just got lucky that the conversations were so nice sex didn't get in the way. Wife, don't let him travel alone again.

Answer 5

I say you are an eloquent writer and story teller. Whenever you become emotionally involved with someone other than your wife, it some form or other is considered cheating. Seems to me that you have compassion and sympathy about this matter understandably.

Answer 6

I want a 2nd chapter... Have you ever thought about writing a book. I would be your #1 fan.
Anyway, I think it was borderline. No sex involved maybe but I believe people can cheat just as much without physical contact.

Answer 7

Just fantasizing about and spending time with a woman not your wife behind being lonely for female company isn't cheating. She's really good at getting money from foreigners, going off your story which was well-written BTW.

If you're serious about this, then just erase her # from your phone and have done with it. She moved on and so should you.

If not, then call her. Just bring another two hundred and some condoms.

Answer 8

You write well.

I'd say no, but you were pretty close to the line, maybe even crossed it a little. I would've told my wife about the incident. Did you?

Answer 9

No, not if you left and didnt sleep with her. It seems as though you considered it however. You have a way with words though, very nice!!

Answer 10

If you slept with her it would be cheating. If you just gave her $200 and talked to her it's not.