is this poem a good one?? serious answers plz!?

Question

I do it all
I run from the faces
but wherever i go
your presence leaves spaces

I keep looking for distance
I'm set into flooring
I'm out there for you
and the heaven's are pouring

How i feel
is let pushed and confided
there are no more choices
as my memory is divided

I'd do anything to forget
and live for it all
take me down with you
and let the rain fall

soaring in your arms
voiced in your heart
touch me softly
and let's never be apart

There beautiful and different
These short desperate hours
You've stolen my wings
And together there ours...

i APPRECIATE all answers
but the ones about grammar im just not so focused on....everything i put down is a rough draft so that if people find them interesting then i pursue finalizing it!

Answer 1

Honestly...you may not like my answer...

This poem lacks focus. You have it broken down into four lines at a time, that is the only possible clarity, but that is weak style. Be bold, do something different, for example, e.e. cummings. The language in the poem is weak. It is immature and juvenial. Using the elipses in a poem to end it is not very original, it is like an AIM conversation. Using thinks like the word "I'd" is not good grammar, instead write "I do". Plus, to be honest it sounds a little teenage angsty, overdone, overdramatic, etc. This may a great personal poem, but it lacks any redeeming societal value. Read some stuff from actual poets and hone your style. You could do better. Oh and check your spelling, you made some mistakes!

Answer 2

If you want serious answers, you have to treat your poetry seriously. Are you posting "concepts" or "poetry"? If you're posting "poetry", then grammar, context, word choice, meter, voice and form all matter. Without these, it's not a poem, it's just a concept for a poem. When you've written down your "poem", you need to revisit it, rework it, rewrite it, fix it..."Then" you submit it for review. This is not a workshop where you put a few lines together and then ask if you should keep writing...you've posted a "poem", that means you've already done all that and are now interested in improving your work by asking for comments that will help you polish it, not decide whether or not you should "write" it in the first place!

This is not meant to put you down or discourage you in any way. You have potential as a poet, but you really need to take a more serious approach to it, that's all.

You wanted a serious answer, I can only hope I've provided what you really need.

Answer 3

I think it's really good for a rough draft, I'm not to crazy about the last stanza, though, i really don't understand it and i don't like it as an ending...maybe you should add a finalizing last one, something to leave a taste with the reader. Keep writing though, this was deep and cool.

Answer 4

This left me with more questions than answers. Why did you use small case i but capitalized it in "I'd". And why are you using "i" for your personal pronoun? There is a serious lack of punctuation, yet you use an apostrophe for "I'd" and "I'm" and ellipsis at the end--that seems inconsistent. Also, "heaven's" shouldn't have an apostrophe. You need more information in here, like who is this directed at? Who's the "you". And it's "they're" not "there" in the last stanza. There are a lot of cliches riddling through this thing, like "stolen wings" "desperate hours" "never be apart" stuff like that.

Answer 5

It works well as a song lyric, I can almost hear the music that might go on behind the words.
As a poem it is full of images the are not self explanatory, ( rather like a song by oasis) but very thought provoking. It may well appeal to the young, but for my self at close to 50 its a brave but flawed attempt to be 'meaningfull' A title might put it in context. 7/10 must try harder.

Answer 6

Serious answer? Ok, your grammar is a little confusing. On one hand poetry allows you to play with words a fair bit, but it still has to make sense.

The meter is a bit off. You lost me after the first verse, trying to rhyme faces and places in such a way, doesn't sound right.

Here's a tip, read the poem out loud to yourself, hear your own poetic voice and let it shine. =)

Answer 7

Go for it dear, you have alot of talent. If possible, put a picture behind it to help illustrate the feeling. A picture may say a thousand words, but your poem makes hearts sore.

Answer 8

It's perfectly inoffensive and if some teenybopper were warbling it, it might go Gold.
Nifty pop lyric, but not really poetry. There is no real theme, just a series of forced rhymes. "Flooring" and "wings" and "rain" and "pushed and confided" don't scan too well.
But as I said, good lyric.
Cheers.

Answer 9

I LUV IT!! I think it is so deep and beautiful. I think it reaches our hearts. It is so unique. If you keep worki on it, you will be terrific at it. Good luck and email me!!!

Answer 10

HI!! i luv poetry and a honest answer i think that poem is really nice. it really touches you and i really like it! i hope thta answers your question.