Is it better to forgive or to hold a grudge?

Question

I have, almost without exception, up until now, followed the former. I have just been treated with contempt by yet another person and have chosen to let it go.

But something tells me that it is not the better course of action. Something tells me that forgiving people and not baring a grudge is the path of weakness. Something tells me that I should seek to maintain my agrievement and plot to avenge that person even if covertly as overt revenge would be detected and averted and might bring disrepute to myself.

What should I do?

What is the morally superior course of action?

Answer 1

Holy books tell you to forgive. Even forgive those who sin such as taking the life of another. Screw that, I say!

Some people talk about forgiving somebody or tell the person that they are going to forgive them..yet they still hold onto the emotions of anger, hurt, shame etc..

Sometimes you just can't forget these emotions, which means you haven't forgiven them but you can still accept and move on!

HOWEVER

To me the word "Grudge" sounds twisted and frightening. Like your about to seek revenge on the person, and creep up on their vulnerability.

People have done some things which I can't forgive, but I have accepted their apologies and moved on. To this day the situations haven't been mentioned and we are the best of friends! So I have done the FORGOTTEN part but not the FORGAVE. I certainly hate the word 'revenge' unless used in a jokey manor!

Thank You! Take Care! :-)

Answer 2

My own experience has been the opposite of your's -- I was prone to not forgive, and have started letting things go.

My take is that holding a grudge does nothing but maintain negative energy. There's a perverse pleasure in it -- that overpowering "emotional stew" of resentment and anger and bitterness and vengeance. I used to be prone to playing out fantasy scenarios in my mind where the offending party got his comeuppance brilliantly and forcefully.

The galling and shameful part of this for me is that several times I held a grudge against someone who had sincerely apologized -- and the transgression was often just an inadvertent action on their part.

The turning point for me was when I accidentally caused a problem for someone, and they refused to accept my apology. When I first realized that my miscommunication had caused the problem, I was mortified and apologized very sincerely, but the person was fuming mad and presumed I had acted maliciously. To this day [about two years later] whenever I work with her she's distant and cold toward me. This is what started me rethinking this approach to life, and though she'll evidently go to her grave thinking me an awful jerk, I'm grateful for this experience.

What I've learned is that forgiving others is not a sign of weakness as you mentioned in your question. It's a sign of strength and maturity. In my field [the professional performing arts] there are a lot of petty and vindictive people -- for an industry that's about creating beauty and art, it's staffed by a lot of insecure people. So when I encounter someone who's being a jerk, it takes resilience to remain strong and deal with him/her without lowering yourself to their juvenile level [and since I've been learning how to do this for only a couple of years, it's still a strong temptation to revert to my old ways]. The amazing thing about this is that I'm actually learning diplomacy skills, and BOY are they handy and valuable in other non-adversarial situations. Anyway, I've learned that anyone observing you being mistreated is going to be impressed that you're not behaving the same way in return.

Finally, an observation: Look at the incredible hostility that America is rife with these days. If someone reads a film review that disparages a film they liked, they call the editor and angrily demand that he fire the reviewer. Or even worse -- and deadlier -- someone gets cut off in traffic either intentionally or accidentally, and they immediately fly into a rage, speed up, and run the offender off the road. Did you really NEED to do that? Of course not. Did they needlessly spike their blood pressure? You bet.

So I hope you'll retain your much more beneficial capacity for forgiveness. No one can change a jerk by being a jerk. Besides, if someone does something offensive and you don't retaliate, that has the benefit of helping reduce your bad karma. So keep that Teflon strapped to your back. :-)

Answer 3

Horrible to say this, but you have to let it go!!!!!
I have always been the first to forgive and forget, and other people see that as a weakness. This is probably why so many people treat you with contempt, because they don't respect you.
If you knew the deep longing that was in me to revenge certain people who really abused me, you would find my answer curious, but the truth is good people can't do wrong!
It's easy to be bad, and it's the cowards way.
Toss it in the bin, but learn a lesson, if someone treated you badly it was probably your fault in the first place. Be a bit more straightforward when dealing with people, so if you are doing them a favour, make sure they know it. Otherwise they think they are being smart and you are stupid.
Feelings of revenge will only get you cancer!

Answer 4

To err is human to forgive is divine, making it the morally superior course of action and therefore harder. Look at it this way what is the point of holding a grudge? it just burns you up literally. I suppose if you can get revenge it's fun and might relieve a little tension but if you have to plot it then it's probably because it's a 'what if not going to happen situation.'

Answer 5

Bear a grudge but be outspoken and outwardly forgive.
Or first let the person kno that you are not so happy, and then after looking in the eye for some time, without smiling, tell them "alright". The important thing is "not to smile."
Act as if you forgive only becoz there is no choice rather than because you are forgiving

Answer 6

Inevitably the act of forgiving leaves one feeling that they've given something away that can't be retrieved. But forgiveness in the long view sets us free. It takes considerable work to maintain a grudge, therefore the initial impulse to react to an injury or slight can result in a negative scenario that might be quickly regretted, made worse by having to maintain the grudge

Answer 7

To forgive and not because it is "morally superior" because that isn't why you forgive others. If you are concerned about getting points in life and being superior, then become a chess master, climb Mount Everest and save a kitten from a burning tree.

You forgive others to release yourself from the poison and damage to your psyche you will create by plotting revenge and holding grudges.
You are free when your mind is empty. Holding a grudge requires alot of energy and is the domain of the weak and those who do not understand their own minds.

Answer 8

Hmmm tough one. No doubt you are upset about what happened. Maybe you should try forgiveness but in a discreet manner remove your involvement from the person/people that are treating you poorly. That way they will not get the opportunity to repeat their actions and you maintain your dignity and are not dragged into any nasty behaviour.

I find it very hard to hold a grudge, it takes a lot of energy and effort.

Answer 9

Forgive and forget and move on. Don't turn yourself into something your not by seeking or plotting revenge. At some stage the person who has made you feel this way will be paid back for their actions. Just sit back.

Answer 10

If you hold grudges your whole life, it will come back to haunt you. You don't necessarily need to forgive per se just stop wasting your time on people who more than likely have forgotten you even exsist by now. If it's something that majorly ruins your life then by all means get revenge, but try not to sweat the small stuff.