divorce or wait it out some more???

Question

I've been with my husband for 3 years now and married for almost a year I love him very much but do not agree with the way he's been since he joined the military in oct. of last year. It didn't really get too bad until we moved to his first station duty in Texas. when we were both from MI. long ways from home. So it's hard for me to adjust abit. I've been down herer since march 1st. so 4 months now and all 4 months He's been disrespectful, rude, calls me names and insists on getting drunk with his buddies every weekend, 1/2 the time he never does but when he does. He becomes a true asshole to me. He starts to call me a whore, slut, and he doesn't give up. He will sit there and do this the whole night untill he passes out. I've never cheated on him although before we even decided to get married he was being an *** so I broke up with him I did end up sleeping with another guy during this time. and My husband now didn't take the break up seriously I guess and he feels like.

I cheated on him. but in reality we weren't together so it's not cheating. there was also another incident when we were broken up before marriage and I was 18 and out getting drunk with friends cuz she was going to move away soon and this guy ended up raping me. Not a day goes by where I don't regret what happened that night and sometimes when my husband is drunk he'll say that I asked for it and I deserved it. He also says that I'm going to Hell for being raped. I really do love him because I know he's not usually like this but I just can't put up with it even now since we found out I'm Pregnant, I'm 11 weeks along. And sometimes He pretends to hit me and I automaticly protect my stomach area I'm just afraid that he's going to hit me hard in the stomach. Please help. and if you know about how you go to get a divorce in the army that would help me out too. And sorry if I made this too long. Thank-You!!

Answer 1

No one deserves to be raped!
No one deserves abuse!
How long before he quits pretending to hit you and really hits you in the stomach? What about the baby? You need to protect yourself and your baby. He has problems and you're not responsible for them. But you are responsible for the well being of your baby.

This is not going to get better and you and your baby could get hurt physically and emotionally. Please leave! Go back home, get a job and when there is enough time and space then you can decide if you want a divorce.

It's possible that if there is enough time and space he might realize what he's doing is distroying your marriage, but it really sounds like he's an immature kid. Go back to MI. Save yourself and your baby.

Answer 2

Don't expect his behavior to change. Nothing you say shows that his behavior is temporary. When he gets out of the military he will still be rude and disrespectful.

It wouldn't hurt, however, to see if the marriage is salvageable. Suggest marriage/couple counseling. See how he reacts to that. At the same time plan an exit strategy. While you don't have kids is the best time to fix things or get out.

Just read your additional information. Nix what I said before about getting counseling with him. You get the counseling and plan to get the h3ll out. You don't need him or his kind of behavior around your child. You can move out and make it on your own. It will be hard but I don't see him being a loving father, since he's not a loving husband. Getting away from him will only become more difficult once the child arrives.

Answer 3

Tell him that unless you get counseling and he cuts back on his drinking (due to his behavoir) that you're packing up and leaving. Because of the fact that he just recently started acting this way, I feel like he may be salvagble - BUT ONLY if he will work with you. Tell him when he's sober the things that he says to you that hurt you when he's drunk. Beleive it or not, some people don't always remember. Being around many drunks myself, I've found that many go insane when their drunk about things that truly hurt their heart when their sober and it comes out in anger instead of good heart to hearts. If he's saying these things to you when he's drunk, most likely it's because he's never dealt with them and moved on. He can't accept that you took refuge in another mans arms when you guys split. He hasn't accepted that another man took you one night (the rape) because he knows that if you hadn't been out being a bad girl it wouldn't happen. BTW, I don't think you were a bad girl and didn't deserve it but when he's sober, he's probably devistated about it (because he wasn't there to protect you) but when he's drunk that is how he deals with it by blaming it on you.

Also, it seems that he can't hold his alcohol. Remind him that your relationship was good at one time before the army and the drinking. If he can't do these things to help make your marriage work, they you need to leave! Your child doesn't need to grow up hearing him scream these words at you even if your husband is not hitting you.

Answer 4

Wow, normally I'm all one for sticking it out and honoring your marriage vows but this situation is just a mess. I think you two have got a lot of problems to work on. He needs to accept that the past is the past and not throw it in your face every time he gets drunk. If he can't get past what happened in the past you two have no future together.

I think couples therapy is a must if you want to stay together.

Answer 5

I totally feel for you. My marriage to my x husband was basically the same way. Go figure he too was military. I think that once they join it almost like they go on some kind of power trip and think they are God's gift to women. Mine never got better and I was married to him for 5 years. Good luck. Get out now or get counciling.

Answer 6

a guy should never treat someone like he is doing you...just tell him your going on vacation back home for a while....just let him know if things don't change you wont be back...he knows you cant just jump in the car and leave now...so he thinks you have to put up with this cause you are stuck there.. or even just go some place and get you a hotel room for a few days and relax and think...this is ur life do you want this forever......and sorry you are going through this...

Answer 7

I've always been taught that there are 3 reasons for divorce. Abuse, Adultery, and Addiction. Sounds like you may have abuse and addiction (name calling, drinking). That's 2 out of 3, and you really only need one of them.

Being in a military family, you should be able to talk to a Chaplin, or use army one source.

Answer 8

I would report him to one of his commanders! He is not allowed to abuse you like this and they take that very serious when you are in the military. I would give him an ultimatum: Tell him he either straightens his **** up or you are out of there. Call a family member or a friend and leave. He can get in a lot of trouble being in the military and acting like that.

Answer 9

you dont need that in your life right now you deserve a whole lot better then that...you already know what you want to do
then why not do it..
can you really be honest and say you love him very much when he has no respect for you and the baby.,
makes him feel like a big man with his buddy's lets see what happens when your not there any more...who's he going to pick on then,,,honey you can come live with me and have your baby in peace with no stress...iam a grandma i would tell this to my daughter if this were them...

Answer 10

there are tons of resources available to you to salvage this situation...Family Life Centers, counseling...all free!!! He's got a booze problem obviously... You hold all the cards while he's on active duty...one call to his 1st Sgt and his life gets lots less fun. Depend on how you want to play it...if hes a worthwhile guy he can be salvaged, if not punch out and go home.