my partner of 6 years keeps talking to me in a patronising way and belittles me in front of friends...?

Question

is this normal and how do i deal with it?
i love him and know he loves me but it seems he cant stop doing it. im an independent person who hasnt done badly in life so there is no need for his behaviour. i wonder if he simply doesnt love me anymore or if his family are interfering and saying negative things about me to him...help! any (good) suggestions appreciated..perhaps im over reacting or i wonder if it is his own problem with self confidence, if so i wonder how to tackle this

Answer 1

It sounds like his own self confidence. Attack it head on with him. Talk to him and let him know how it makes you feel. Help him build up his self esteem. Reassure him that it's okay for him to just be the wonderful person that he is. Good luck :)

Answer 2

You seem to know yourself very well, with your independence and life goals and all, so it's not a matter of having problems on your part. It's more like everything that you've mentioned and this guy is perturbed and is acting out on an unconscious juvenile level by demeaning and belittling you in this childish manor. Maybe he feels he can't measure up and feels more of a man by treating you with disrespect. By now, after six years together, you know the score and should be able to tell him what's bothering you. Moreover, you are perfectly within your rights to demand that he starts telling you what's bothering him. Make him start explaining why he is treating you like a lesser person and tell him in no uncertain terms that you don't like it and you're not apt to tolerate it much longer. You can either be nice in this request or you can get right up in his face and tell him to cut out the psycho garbage. Whatever the case, he needs to get the message-pronto- or else you can take a hike and leave him stew in his rut. Maybe a trial separation would be good for the two of you for awhile so he can have some time to sort out whatever is bugging him and so you don't have to be around his crass behavior. You can communicate to him your willingness to listen to him and try to help him (if he let's you) and are not his enemy. Otherwise taking some time apart may be an alternative albeit after being around and accessible to each other you both just may neeed to take a break for a time.

Answer 3

There are several things you can do. I would avoid doing to him what he's doing to you as that would probably just cause a fight.

Can you sit him down and cite specific examples of when he's done this? Like "Last night you said....... in front of our friends. Why would you do that?"

He may not be aware that he is doing it, or he might think that he is being funny.

If you talk to him about it, and it STILL isn't getting any better, than I would take the offensive. If he says something belittling about you in front of people, than you might either defend yourself.... or flip the tables on him and do it back.

He says "She was going to cook, but she isn't very good"

You say "I can't cook, but you seem to be gaining weight... certainly you don't look under fed"

Answer 4

You need to talk to him about how you feel. Express your feelings to him. A good formula I've found is "I feel ___ when you ___ because ___." I feel crushed when you say that I'm stupid because I want your respect might be an example of it.

If this doesn't work, seek out counseling, couples and individual for each of you. He might not realize he's doing it or how it affects you & needs you and/or the counselor to drive it home to him. You need the counseling because of the wounds he's inflicted and to help find the best way to deal with it...he needs it to figure out why he does it and how to stop doing it.

If none of that works, dump him. If you get married or even just stay in the relationship as is...it will only get worse if he won't get help.
SG

Answer 5

How to tackle this, why did you put up with it in the first place. There is no excuse for no man to belittle any women. Dont tell me he can't stop, we all take responsibilities for our actions he can stop if he wants, it seems like he does not want to and probably gets a kick out of the response he get from other people. I am sure if it was vs versa he would not like it. Girl you sit bluntly and firmly tell him to stop period. If it continues after your firm warning, show him the door.

Answer 6

Usually when someone has nothing but negatives to express to another,means that they are unhappy with SELF.LOVE DOES NOT TEAR YOU DOWN,IT IS SUPPOSED TO UPLIFT YOU.You both need to sit down,and iron out whatever it is that is eating you alive.There are some deep emotional hinderences when a person reverts to slandering you,especially in front of people.Does he express his dislikes when you are alone?Don't let your self esteem or integrity be sacrificed for the sake of being with someone

Answer 7

He considers you either unintelligent, a boor or not worthy of a civilized answer or remark because you aren't worth the effort. Those are the reasons people patronize and belittle others.

There isn't any other answer. You just aren't held with a lot of respect in his eyes.

Answer 8

So why are you still with him? No it is not normal, he should be treating you with respect and you should demand that he give it.

You have the power to leave or stay, if you feel that this is wrong then maybe you need to talk to him about it or talk to someone.

Ant kind of abuse, verbal, physical, emotional or sexual is never okay. If you need to contact your local woman' shelter or your local hospital for help.

Answer 9

This is a form of abuse and you need to get out now. It will only escalate. That is how my first marriage began, and things got worse and worse. It eventually became physical and he became an alcoholic. You are not over reacting and you need to move now before things get worse.

He has you right where he wants you.

Answer 10

Stop letting him be patronising to you and/or letting him belittle you in public. He does it....cause you let him!

Why he should want to behave this way, is his problem, and it should be up to him to want to talk to you about how he feels about himself and your relationship.

Either way, such actions are uncaring, harsh, cruel, and uncalled for. By the same token, it is equally uncaring, harsh, cruel, and uncalled for to see your partner be so weak in person and in public and not getting him to stop behaving in this manner. It's not good for either one of you.

Put a stop to it, or put up with it. Just don't mommy him or offer to change his "wet nappy" for him. He seems quite capable of behaving in a boorish manner and making a public fool of himself all on his own. Try not to copy him by being part of it.