Just had a HUGE FIGHT with boyfriend! PLEASE HELP!!?

Question

A month ago my boyfriend of 2 yrs. and I moved in together. I have been on my own for almost 10 yrs. and he lived at home with his parents his entire life (30 yrs). He was hit by a car when he was 10 and suffered a closed head injury. So his parents have been overprotective and had no faith that he would ever be on his own,until now. Since we have moved in together it seems like we have been fighting more and I am feeling like I do everything work, clean, shop, pay the bills..everything. He just goes to work and comes home, occasionaly stopping to play pool after work (I work days he works nights.) So I confronted him nicely and it blew up from there, him saying well I have never had to do this stuff and then he said Maybe this was a bad idea to live together. I broke down, then he said it was because he didnt know what to do, he had lived at home and this was a huge change. He says he loves me and wants to marry me. He still said he wants to stay with me ....Im very hurt

Answer 1

You two need to have a serious talk. Talk to him about how you feel about having to do everything and that you feel taken advantage of and overwhelmed (if I've guessed right from your post).

Sit down and make a list of all the stuff that needs doing (shopping, paying bills if you do it jointly, cleaning the kitchen/dining area, cleaning the living room, cleaning the bedroom, cleaning the bathroom, cooking, etc.) and how frequently it needs to be done & then figure out who will do what. If you're both working about the same number of hours then you should probably each take a share in it. If one of you only works part time & the other full time, then (unless the part timer is in school) then more chores should be done by the part timer.

If you make a list, it also gives you both the opportunity to say, "you know, I hate cooking, but I wouldn't mind cleaning the kitchen if you cook." and stuff like that.

Set some ground rules about when chores will be done since you work different shifts. You don't want him running the vacuum while you're sleeping & he doesn't want you clanging & banging pots & pans while he's sleeping.

I think you can work this out. If you have difficult working it out, see if you can get the help of a counselor.
SG

Answer 2

He told you right when he said "I (he) never had to do this stuff". Of course he didn't. You have no responsibilities when you're 30 and still live at home with Mommy.
That should have been the clue for you right there. He'll never mature and never be responsible. In fact..marrying is stupid because he won't be able to live up to that commitment either. Don't be stupid. Get the fool out of your life. Unless you want to be a fool yourself and stay with him. Then you can come back here and cry about how terrible is it..et al.

And the head injury? Who cares? that has nothing to do with anything. maybe he needs another one so it'll knock some sense into him.

Answer 3

Man hes 16? He sounds like he needs a little growing up to do if he continues to behave this way. I tell you. If I knew you and he got jealous of me hanging with you. And decides to fight me. I will probably fight him any way just to show him how childish he's acting. But I can't since I'm 18. Your boyfriend sounds like he needs some anger management adjustment. What's he going to do? Beat up the next guy that's hanging out with you? If you have a brother that's younger than you. Is he going to beat him up too? If he goes this far then he should seek counseling. I feel that you are being imprisoned by his anger and his emotions.And I know why hes acting like that because he thinks your going to fall in love with one of your guy friends. And he's worried about you doing something else with those guys alone As in you know what I mean. And I'm a guy and I know about this stuff. If he continues to do this. Break up with him. You can't live like this for ever. He needs to grow up. This may sound hurtful but it's true. He's acting like a 5 year old.

Answer 4

You are partly to blame. If you've been with this guy for 2 years, you should already be aware of his lack of cleaning skills, etc. You should already know that he was spoiled by his parents and had no responsibilites around the house. You should have set the ground rules before allowing him to move in with you including what bills he would be responsible for. You could have also done a "practice run" of living together before he officially moved in.

Answer 5

What can you expect from a 30 year old man that has lived with Mommy & Daddy all his life?
He's probably right, he doesn't know how to do anything because he has had it all done FOR him.
But that doesn't give him reason now to not LEARN how to do things to help out.
That's a poor excuse.
He needs to do his half and if he doesn't know how, I'm sure you'd be willing to show him how.

That's what I have to do with my teenagers.
The excuse they give me is "well I don't know how to".....well guess what ???? LEARN !!!!

Ignorance is no excuse.

Go over the chores with him , just like you would do with a child, so that he does "understand" what needs to be done.
I feel for you, that's tough. Having a grown man acting (and willing to act) like a child.
Put your foot down. Like his parents should have done.
Good luck to you :)

Answer 6

Based on what you wrote, it sounds like by admitting his lack of experience in housekeeping, he's at least willing to try and change. He deserves at least the benefit of a doubt and a chance to improve his skills. If he's willing to admit to a shortcoming (something few people can do) and wants to make amends, why not give him a few dozen chances? If he loves you like he says he does, he'll share the burden of work.

That way, if after a few dozen chances he still doesn't change, you can walk away knowing that you did your very best to make the relationship work. Living together involves lots of compromise and change on both parties.

Answer 7

Hve you ever considered he might still be hrt with in the head with the close head injury. Might be more there than you had thought. Maybe the stress on his brain is alot greater and he cant deal with alot of pressure from his injury ect--hun you have alot to think about...

Answer 8

He is so used to how things were at home with mom and dad that he doesn't expect anything to change. He just assumed you were going to take care of him the way they did. It's his parents fault for not teaching him how to take care of himself. You are going to need to play parent for a little bit to teach him what his parents should have taught him if you want to stay with him and if you want things to change. I'm sure once you show him how he is supposed to do things, that it will get better, but you will need to be patient.

Answer 9

Start slow with him. Ask him to do one task a day while you are at work. ie wash the dishes, vacuum, etc. Eventually he should get into the habit of doing more. It also may help to "reward" him, at first, when he does help out. If he doesn't know how to do something simply ask him if he would like you to show him. Lists help too. You can write a list for both of you, so it does not seem one sided. Write a list for yourself of chores, and then write a list of chores for him, of equal value, one chore a day for both of you. Remember you don't want him to think it's going to be one sided. If he loves you and wants to be with you, he should follow through. You will have to hold his hand at first but eventually he'll learn "how to stand like a man".

Answer 10

Nevermind that he has lived with his parents since he was 30, that is the past.

You need to TEACH him how to foster your relationship. He says he loves you and wants to marry you (that's great!), then he should be willing to stick it through with you and understand that he needs to pull his own weight around the house.

Good luck!