My wife gave me 30 days to find out if we both want to stay together or separate. We still love each other but she says I have issues with my temper that she don't like. I don't want to separate and I am seeing therapist for my temper. I feel that if we separate it will be to hard to get back together. What do I do? Or what do you think?
2007-07-13 04:05:17 · 36 answers · asked by Mike 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Thank you to all that answered in sincerity. Mario I will take your advice to heart and win back my wife. (she hasn't left yet thank god). I don't understand the thumb downs either. I do read all the answers and updates as well. Thanks
2007-07-13 07:06:16 · update #1
I gave only 1 thumb down to Tool and put him in my block list.
2007-07-13 07:10:55 · update #2
Keep Getting help and don't lose your marriage. Once you separate there are no guarantees. If you love her you will not want to lose her. When I was 24 I had anger issues and it almost cost me my marriage. I wish I got help right away and I did not. We ended up separating and I caused her allot of pain that I still feel bad about today. We overall have had a good marriage and if we had not gotten back together we would not have 3 beautiful girls. Work out your differences now and don't wait and see. Anger is the worst quality of any man. I learned that. My steamed from 4 years in the Army and too much exposure to stressful, violent and combat situations. I was taught that was cool, but I could not express my emotions beyond anger. It can eat you up and it is no way to live your life. The best thing you can do for yourself and for her is to get that worked out first. You do not want to hurt the ones you love. Why most people with anger issues do not realize is the things you say verbally that you say when you are just venting hurt your friends and especially your relationship. Take that energy and focus it on making the marriage work. I know you will succeed. You are reaching out to for reaffirmation from your peers with yahoo answers. That tells me that this is important to you. I know what you are going thru and I can tell you that you will beat this. You should be proud of yourself for being brave enough to seek a answer and positive reinforcement. It takes a big man to admit when he is wrong. I believe that you will find that you will be most successful in working things out in your marriage by opening up, communicating honestly and don't vent. Remember if you were her? How would you want to be treated. Think back to the last time you were angry and what you said. What would you think of yourself? It is hard to self analyze but it was a necessary step to recovery. Don't lose her! Have faith it will work out.
Some key activities that help me channel my anger and release it
1.Physical activity-pretty much anything. It helps to release excess energy.
2. Avoid negative reinforcements. Guy friends encouraging you to disregard your angry outburst. I had friends like this and they had their own issues. It made it harder for me to realize I was in the wrong.
3. Violent images, music and movies. I was big on grunge and violent movies at the time. It did not help me calm down. I found that it was actually keeping me feeling angry. Enjoy positive images and music that is uplifting. It actually really works.
4. Find a reminder that will help you calm yourself down. Counting, a funny saying. Something that will trigger you to remember not to lose it. That helps as well.
5. Don't laugh! One thing that really helped me was imagine if you are being videotaped. How would you act if you thought other people were watching or would see what you said and did. I actually found this thought to make me rethink the things that I said and did. It really worked for me.
I hope some of those thing help you and maybe give you some encouragement. If she feels that the next 30 days will decide the fate of your marriage then give it your all. Not for just 30 days! but from this point moving forward. I could not imagine if i lost my wife and we never got back together she is my best friend and my life partner. She is everything to me and the most important person im my life next to my kids. Remember it is not just the here and now but where you want your life to be in say 10 years. Would you want to look back with regret or wonder what might have been if things had worked out? Take control and win back your marriage and her heart. Believe in yourself and you will be successful. Best of luck to you.
After thoughts for those who rate questions.......................................................................................
Not sure why my answer would be considered a bad answer?
If there is something that I said wrong? I sure do not see it. I think people give thumbs down for no good reason and it has become a silly way of other people stating that they do not like the fact that you actually can express and articulate a good answer. The point of yahoo is to answer and ask questions. It seems like so many people offer 1 line sentences with no real depth.
When I see a thumbs down from my answer that I actually speak from personal experience and really provide real advice it makes me think that Yahoo answers users are not even reading the answer. It does a disservice to the person asking the question. Especially if it is honest and good advice. It is also discouraging to someone that actually gives the answer thought, time and effort. Should the answers not be solid with foundation? I see way too many thumbs down for all answers on here that have given good advice and I think that makes no sense? Hopefully in this case this will not cause the asker to ignore good advice.
Please use Thumbs up or down the way it was intended otherwise it becomes an irreverent device.
2007-07-13 04:07:14 · answer #1 · answered by Mario L 4 · 6⤊ 4⤋
Separation can be both good and bad, it depends on the two of you. Being separated and still married can help give you both the insight you need to see just where you are with your feelings and if you truly want it to work out. It can also be troublesome if either of you decide that a separation means you can stray from your wedding vows. While you are still within the bounds of a marriage you MUST conduct yourself in a proper, married way. Don't use a separation to test the waters, but use it to get your head on straight, feel the emotions and feelings that you need to in order to try and salvage a marriage in trouble. While separated you may want to go together to counseling or join a couples marriage group that may help you see that you're not alone with marital problems. Good luck and I hope this helps you decide if separating is a good idea.
2016-04-01 02:23:53 · answer #2 · answered by Louise 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Dude just take Mario L's advice. He is the only one who actually speaks from experience and everyone else is on the outside looking in. I cannot give you better advice. It kills me that someone gives a awesome answer and bogus people get jealous and give a thumbs down. Talk about jealousy!
I can tell you that I think people have lost the purpose of thumbs. Look at all of the advice you receive and I think that somebody just state the obvious and offer nothing personal.
I never had anger issues because I am pretty much a hippie surfer. I can tell you that the ocean is my peace zone. Water has a very relaxing effect. I would recommend swimming it so mellows me out. I hope that helps. Otherwise bro, take the Mario L ( Like Dr. Phil's) advice and I think you will be fine.
Take care!
2007-07-13 05:38:00 · answer #3 · answered by Wise One 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It sounds as if you have made the first step in proving to her that you want things to work by getting therapy for the anger issues. Talk to her about how you feel about separating. If after that conversation she still wants to separate for 30 days, respect her decision and do that. You should also discuss "guidelines" if you do separate so each of you knows what to expect from the other, like are you going to see each other during this period, call, those types of things. Have the two of you attended marriage counseling? That may be a suggestion you could make as well. You could even do marriage counseling while you are separated. Separating doesn't necessarily mean that you two won't get back together. It could do the total opposite. She might find she can't live without you.
2007-07-13 05:22:35 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 2⤋
if you want to keep her than talk to her about it and show her. it will take time but prove to her that you want her and that you still love her. its a great step that you are admitting that you have an anger problem and that you are taking steps to reslove it but thats not all you need to do. you need to prove to her that you are taking it seriously and that you really are trying. also try and think of some of the things that you used to do for her when you all were just dating or first marred and try doing those things as well. try and rekindle your love for each other by doing all of the things that you both have stopped doing. make her feel special each and everyday, and i dont mean by always buying her gifts but like when she just wakes up tell her that she looks beautiful or that just sometimes for no reason tell her that you love her and that you are thinking of her, or leave little love notes for her. maybe even try and take her out on a date that is the same or similar as ya's first date or ya's favorite date. If she is giving u a notice then that shows that this is very hard for her and that she doesnt want to lose you either but she doesnt know what else to do to make you know that she is serious and that she loves you. also be sure and talk to her and have an open communication and one important thing about having a great open communication is that she feels like she can tell you anything without you getting mad or blowing up, that might be the hardest thing but its worth it. also make sure that you can talk to her too with the same respect. I hope that this helps and good luck!
2007-07-13 08:58:55 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
What is going on?
This question has been flipped upside down with all the people giving thumbs down. There is like a debate going on because a few idiots decided to thumbs down good answers. The point is also to answer this guys question. I agree with previous posters that Mario is rock solid in his advice and his thumbs down is total BS. There are too many thumbs down here on many good answers.
Now my answer
I had anger management classes for 1 year and it changed my life. I spent time in Jail and it only made me more angry. Therapy is the only answer. Save your marriage and don't be dumb about it. You can do it.
2007-07-13 06:05:30 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Take the 1st guys answer. Also I would like to add mediation works great too!
I wish I could give a thumbs up to all the good answers. I am not level 2 yet.
It is sad to see good answers get a thumbs down and even worse people that flag good answers for no reason other than stupidity or jealousy.
Good luck to you.
2007-07-13 05:58:57 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like your wife is tired of your temper tantrums. She has every right to live a peaceful life with a peaceful person who doesn't make her feel threatened.
The separation will either make or break the marriage. If you both go into it knowing it's likely temporary, then use this time to work on your marriage. On the other hand, she may be using a separation as a "first step" out of the marriage.
Continue with the therapy (hopefully anger management classes) and remember, ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS!
2007-07-13 04:09:45 · answer #8 · answered by katydid 7 · 0⤊ 2⤋
OMG! Wise one you are right! There are good answers here and everyone is thumbs downing everything. I only saw 2 answers that made no sense.
You are right Mario gave the perfect answer and he got thumbs down. He actually provided additional thoughts that ask a very good question. Why are people thumbs dowing good answers.
Power on Mario!
2007-07-13 05:55:41 · answer #9 · answered by Suzie K 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well first of all, i think you both should make the decision together and talk it out. if your wife really wants to separate, then you should respect that. if she really cared about you she wouldn't give you a month to figure it out by yourself because that just means she doesn't care what decision you make and she doesn't want to be with you. I'm sure she does care about you but if i was her i would take you to a therapist. if you really care about her you will do what she wants to do. i cannot make up the decision for you, but just think about what you are doing first and talk it over with her. if she doesn't care about talking it about and making the decision with each other, then she doesn't care if you two separate. also, it may be good for you to separate and find someone that relates and can help you with your temper.
2007-07-13 04:11:41 · answer #10 · answered by Hannah<33 1 · 0⤊ 2⤋
I think your wife ought to give you a little time if you are actively working on your temper issues. Marriage vows shouldn't be taken lightly, and I personally don't believe separation improves the likelihood of working out a problem.
2007-07-13 04:08:07 · answer #11 · answered by Snoopy 5 · 1⤊ 2⤋