Does he want me for sex or for a relationship?

Question

im 23 and he's 25. my neighbor or more than 10 years has shown interest in me on and off for 3 years. He started by paying extra attention to me and trying to get my attention. Once, after work, he saw me and we talked. He asked that i join him for dinner and the he was paying. i refused and he insisted and i refused again and he let it go. After that we would see each other occasionally and say 2 or 3 word to each other and keep it moving. I realized that this is stupid and approached him and he completely ignored me, i couldn't buy his attention. after we simply had a hi and bye relationship. for another year before he asked me out again. i turned him down because it was dancing, im not a dancer. after that he was a little resentful. after that the pattern would continue that way. he would pay extra attention to me at a bad time and than when i see him another time he will completely ignore me. Keep in mind i've never had a boyfriend and i'm don't know how dating works.

i've tried starting conversations with him, but everytime i do he seems restless, nervous and he only says two or three words and leaves.

i've tried starting conversations with him, but everytime i do he seems restless, nervous and he only says two or three words and leaves.

Answer 1

It sounds like you are pretty clueless as to how dating works - some people are social creatures by nature and just intuitively do it well from the start and others are - well not very good at it.

You sound like the latter; you have him frustrated and confused. If you didn't like dancing would it have been a big deal to say "Not really a dancer, how about a movie?".

I'm pretty sure that he's got the idea you're not an easy date to "hop in the sack" with after 2 years of you playing games with him.

Answer 2

I've got to go with "ndnqt1966". It's no wonder you've never had a boyfriend, and it's more than obvious that you don't know how dating works. Even more accurate, perhaps, is that you don't have the slightest notion of how to have a successful relationship...with anyone. But, there's hope!

My guess would be that you are unusually self-absorbed, i.e. you're not real good at seeing the world from any perspective but your own. That's not to say that you are hopeless - far from it. But, you are going to have to make an effort (it comes naturally with some) to stretch a little and get outside of yourself. Can you see yourself as others see you? Have you ever had a frank discussion with either male or female friends and asked them how you come off to people? Pick a close friend and have that little discussion - it might open your eyes to a whole new perspective on things.

At 23, it's time to get to know yourself as others know you. Depending on what you discover about yourself through the eyes of others, ask yourself how you got this way. Knowing why won't change you, but it might help in creating some new directions for you. Ask yourself (and be brutally honest):
1) Do I like to be in the company of others, or would I rather be alone a good part of the time?
2) Do I enjoy doing things for others (running errands, visiting people who are ill, community service, etc.)?
3) When was the last time that I spontaneously did something for someone without the thought of getting any recognition or thanks? How did I feel about that?
4) Is my family "huggy" and affectionate, or formal and somewhat distant?
5) What was the opinion of others of me when in high school - what kind of reputation did I have?
6) What are my professional ambitions? Do I enjoy working alone on projects and tasks, or am I a team player that needs office colleagues?

And, so on.

The reason I bring all of this up is that while you are very articulate and seem to be able to describe the situation with your neighbor in great detail, your lead question appears to be a disconnect with what you have taken great pains to write out. "Does he want me for sex or for a relationship?" Heck, I don't think he wants either one, at this point. But, I think he has some interest - if you would just open up and be a little friendly. "i turned him down because it was dancing, im not a dancer" is such a matter-of-fact and cold summation of a someone having an interest in you - where you appear to only be interested in the object of the date and not him or his feelings.

You need some attitude adjustment. But, before you can even start to make that change, you need to know what's going on with you regarding relationships in general. Ultimately, you might want to get the help of a "coach" (good counseling psychologist) to help sort it all out.

If you don't get some kind of perspective and make some positive changes in how you perceive and react to people - men in particular - you're going to have a very lonely life, I'm afraid. But, I'm cheering for you...I know you don't have to continue in your current situation if you don't want to!

Good luck and get going!

Answer 3

After being let down for 2 years in a row by his advances, it seems he's discouraged by what you have shown and lost most interest in possibly pursuing you. You turned down dinner and dancing, two harmless dates. What do you expect. Plus some people consider having sex more than once or twice with a person a relationship, to answer your question. You can have a relationship without sex, yes, but the both of them can go together in the right situations. If you want him to pay attention to you, approach him and tell him what you like to do if you went on a date, as well as what you won't do or don't expect to do.

Answer 4

Just so you know.

If you keep playing games no guy is going to want a relationship with you. If you are asked on a date for dancing and you don't dance then say. Would love to go out but can we go to a movie as I am not a very good dancer. The rejection is not them it is the "place".

At this point I would ask him on a date. He is long over do.
Go for it, good luck. and remember looking back you will have nothing to loose.

Answer 5

This guy is interested in you, and you've given him the impression that you are not interested in him. If someone wants to buy you dinner, say yes and then tell him next time its on you. If someone asks you out, and you don't like the activity, go anyway, you might have fun. You hurt his feelings, men are like that.

Basically you are giving mixed messages and he doesn't know if you are just flirting or serious. Ask him over for dessert. Make a pot of coffee, bake a chocolate cake and ask him to join you. First you have to make up your mind if you ARE interested.

Answer 6

You are too fickle. Can't make up your mind about a simple meal out with the guy. Why not say I'm not big on dancing, how about a movie or something. I think the guy doesn't know how you are going to treat him. Every time he asks you out you shoot him down. Never had a boyfriend? Nothing wrong with that. Just relax. Go out with him or someone else. Be yourself. The mistakes you are making with this guy are out of fear of the unknown. A date is just going out with a friend and getting to know them better.

Answer 7

don't play any games...be truthful and up front. if you like him tell him that. if you are not interested, tell him that. did you explain why you turned him down? like.."sorry, I don't dance but we can see a movie instead or something?" with that statement you are not turning him down, but just suggesting another type of outing while at the same time letting him know you are interested. he may be ignoring you because you seem to be giving the signals that you are interested and then turn him down when he asks you out. try talking to him again and if he ignores you then forget it and try with someone else...you need to get out more...no offense.

Answer 8

some guys get intimidated by girls and get all flustered when trying to talk with them. Maybe it took a lot for him to gather the courage to ask you out and when you said no he had to start back a square one, gathering courage to even say anything. I think that if you would like to go out with him, try asking him yourself. Nothing wrong with a girl asking the guy. And once the ice is further broken maybe he will find it much easier to talk.

Answer 9

Never had a boyfriend and your 23? Well it's no wonder with the cat and mouse game you play. You keep turning the guy down....how many times do you think he is willing to be kicked in the teeth?

Answer 10

It sounds like you're either catching each other at bad times, or he wants to be the guy, I wouldn't ask him out, but try to be nice and maybe flirt with him, maybe even drop him a "hello" card with your number. But either way I would leave it up to him at this point. He seems old fashioned, maybe.