my husband is turning 40 soon. He is having a rough time dealing with this. He also started a new job recently to add to the stress. I think he is trying to find his way in life but he isn't one to talk much about his feelings. He says its because he doesn't even know what is wrong or what is going on with himself. What can I do to help him? Should I just back off for a while and be patient? And how long do I just sit here and wait? This has just started in our relationship so there is no "other" woman--yet. I am scared it will come to that. I hear about men going through this at his age and it leads to that alot. We have been married for 15 years and if he can't talk to me about what is going on then what the heck am i doing here??
2007-07-13 02:51:27 · 14 answers · asked by lovey 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Don't be so insecure. That would be your first mistake. Be a rock, stay positive, be a ray of sunshine. If you two have time, go do some new things together to get his mind off of whatever is bothering him. It doesn't have to be expensive. Go for a drive, walk in the park, go to a museum or a ball game or something. Just so long as it is new and fits into your budget and schedules. Take care of yourself: start a new workout routine, improve your grooming, whatever it takes to improve your attitude and add to your personal security. If you are secure, then you are one less thing he has to worry about. People like confident, challenging (positive challenges--interesting) partners with good self control and a positive attitude.
Don't nag him about opening up. Be positive.
2007-07-13 02:59:11 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm glad you are taking it seriously. Its a hard time in a man's life and he often does look to another woman to add some excitement into his life and make him feel like he isn't so old after all.
The best advice I can offer to you, is to shake it up a bit for him. Help him get interested in something new and a little bit exciting, that you two can do together. If you are athletic at all, try a white water rafting trip, or a mountain biking trip somewhere with great natural vistas, etc. If those are not possible, try learning poker and playing tournaments together, or go on a cruise, or something, anything, a lot different than whatever you have been doing together for the last 15 years.
do something out of the ordinary, show him that life with you can still be exciting and fun. Don't just do everything the way he wants to do it. Challenge him, get him off the sofa on the weekend if he is down in the dumps.
You don't have to keep this up forever, you just need to help him see that life keeps changing and stays interesting if you let it. We seem to seek comfort and safety, and then we get bored and can't understand why we are miserable.
The new job might turn out to be a blessing if he gets through the stressful part and starts to enjoy it. But try to keep him active and experiencing new things with you too.
Good luck!
2007-07-13 03:00:39 · answer #2 · answered by John M 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
the first thing you as his wife need to do is Be There For Him...
tell him you love him all the time....
some men find it hard to turn 40.. let him know that 40 is just another year older another number, and it means you have become wiser for the ware. tell him he has you and you will be there for him always.
sit down to a cup of coffee / tea and chat. keep the lines of comunication open . talk about the kids, family, silly times you both have had together. make him laugh lots....
look at scrap books together.
go see harry potter together... sit in the back row and neck... im 45 yrs old and my husband is 40 and we get silly all the time.it drives his mum nuts. lol and we do it to amuse her as she is turning 70 this week and she lost her husband 1 1/2 yrs ago. she plays golf everyday and wins.... so growing older doesnt mean your done... your far from it... you are in your prime and you can only get better.
we dont have time to waist on worring about turning 40,50,60... it doesnt matter. just live the life god has chosen for you to live . have fun together, drive your kids nuts hugging and smooching in the kitchen... it makes you feel younger when they say to you "get a room"lolol
i know ... we have dont it to my daughter and she will be 19 in sept.... shes such a silly butt head...
play with the kids even if they are grown... games like twister:) as a couple is really fun, try monopoly its great...
go out to the park,beach whare ever there are no elect lines and fly a kite... take up a new sport together,,, boating is fun. snow sking is great especially when you get snowed in and you can snugle up to eachother by the fire and smooch...
get my drift darlin?
if none of this works then ask him to talk to his local doc and he can refer him to a councler...
as a last resort... but sweetie have fun be a couple do things together,,, take his mind off his wows...
love him.
cheers
josie
ps email me and let me know how it all turned out...
2007-07-13 03:14:18 · answer #3 · answered by josie d 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He's setting you up! I saw a Dr. Phil episode dealing with men who act like they're depressed and stressed over an age thing. Then after they get caught with the other women, they say you shouldn't have been surprised. This is what i would do, start clipping the obituaries out of the newspaper of all who have died under the age of 40!
2007-07-13 02:55:58 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
There's a good website that addresses what you're going through quite well. I have copied and pasted here three of their recommendations, in case you don't want to click on the link:
Give him space. No matter how insecure you're feeling, don't cling, berate, belittle or try to push him in a direction he doesn't want to go. If he wants more time than usual to be by himself or with his fishing or golfing buddies, don't complain about how little time he's spending with you. He's trying to think his problems through and he'll find a way regardless of what you say or do.
Now is the time you must develop yourself as an independent person. You must take responsibility for yourself and your happiness without depending on him for the closeness and intimacy that he probably is unable to give right now. Plan things without him. Depend upon yourself, not him. Allow him to do the same.
Do things by yourself and with friends. Make a life for yourself without waiting for him to participate. He may refuse to go to counseling but that doesn't mean you shouldn't in order to better cope with your feelings during this difficult time.
2007-07-13 02:56:42 · answer #5 · answered by Happy-2 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You are there because you Love him and will just sit there and wait until he finds out what is really bothering him. You have to let him know that you are there when ever he needs you and you are not going to pressure him, because he has enough pressure going on right now. If you are afraid that he is having a mid life crises than maybe you need to come on and be a little more sexy . Just let him know you are there for him no matter what.
2007-07-13 02:58:56 · answer #6 · answered by LIPPIE 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Just started in your relationship, so there is no other woman, yet? Maybe the guilt is just getting to him, so now you've noticed the change.
Let him be, if he isn't ready to talk, he won't. But I'd keep an eye out for anything out of the ordinary. Don't be suspicious and snoopy, but its always in a woman's best interests to be aware of her surroundings. Don't want to get caught in the middle of something unsuspectingly.
2007-07-13 02:57:31 · answer #7 · answered by gypsy g 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your husband should not be upset about getting older,allot of people I know say they would never go back to being younger,to much hard times growing up.I remember growing up and always looking up to my dad and grandfather and how much respect I had for them,knowing one day that I would be that person.I am now 44 and have two grown girls ,one is married and just gave us our first grandchild,I would not change a year my life I am having right now to be younger,I look forward ever day to getting older and watch my family grow.
2007-07-13 03:04:24 · answer #8 · answered by david c 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
start being a little elusive yourself...
let him wonder, it may draw him out...
i've been married 15 years and I turned 40 ten years ago.
there are no crisis points in life unless their created by the victim. if he's lamenting getting old it's somewhat understandable but only tolerable for a short time.
good luck women
2007-07-13 02:58:56 · answer #9 · answered by Mark 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Hi
I am in the same boat but my husband has just left me as he says he loves me but not like he used to he is 40 end of this month. we have been together for 20 years and i dont know how to cope or resurect our relationship.
Good luck
2007-07-13 04:54:02 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋