i wrote this poem && it is very important to me to kno how other people think it is.......my friends would never understand it if i tried to get them to read it......so i need all the opinions that i can get......
looking into warm, blue eyes
brings out the summer in my skies...
the darkness broken by the light
[i found a place to sleep tonight]
i'm running quickly throught the ocean,
into arms opened so wide...
there to catch me when i fall
[i found a place to sleep tonight]
i'm smiling (unheard of...)
i'm laughing (that is new...)
i found a place to sleep tonight
that place, it's beside you...
i want a real opinion not a joke.....this is very important to me.....PlZ read!!
2007-07-12 18:30:51 · 14 answers · asked by randi 1 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
The concept is good, so is the repetition of the line "I found a place to sleep tonight" because it is actually going to become the setup and turn at the end.
However, you need to work on consistency of pattern and rhyme. Repeating that line is great, but since it rhymed in the first stanza, you need to follow up on that...which means the line ending in "fall" should end in something that rhymes with "tonight". What may work better for you is to just try it in Freeverse, or unrhymed poetry. You can still use the same last line and it will allow you to speak more freely and use the words you really want to use instead of finding alternatives that rhyme. To do this, just change the word "light" so that it doesn't rhyme and make the first two lines so they don't rhyme. Easy to do, and if you have someone read it to you, you'll see that it still sounds like a poem, but it will sound far more natural.
Finally, the final line: "that place, it's beside you"...try just "that place...is beside you"...in other words, drop the "it".
Otherwise, lovely little poem :)
2007-07-19 18:26:46 · answer #1 · answered by Kevin S 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ok, I will give you a real opinion because it's important to you, and I want to show you respect as a writer.
Short answer first: This poem has potential it's worth reading. It can be good, but it isn't there yet.
Basic points to consider (S = stanza, L= line)
You need to work very hard to make this not typical. Read that to mean predictable and boring. People are going to come to your first line and think "typical love poem". You need to show them that it isn't typical at all. The word eyes buys you nothing in S1 L1. It telegraphs too much and right now you need subtlety. Read the line without eyes and see how it's actually stronger. Consider a replacement word. Don't telegraph that it's a love interest yet. L2: I like the concepts here though you may want to consider splitting the summer idea in L2 and the my skies idea in L3. This may not work but it might be interesting to try. Also drop the elipses here. S1 L3: darkness broken by the light is very common and predictable dump it for something stronger. S1 L4: Love it. Love it in brackets to make it sound like a whisper or a thought.
Ok now I notice that you've abandoned the rhyme scheme. Make the poem consistent since most of it is in free verse remove the rhyme from S1.
S2 L1-2: Like this. It works for me. S2 L3: catch me when I fall again is predictable. I know you can make a stronger idea. S2 L4: again love it.
S3 L1-2: This worked for me. I liked the parenthetical concepts with the elipses here. You might be able to think up something better than smiling or laughing but ultimately it did work so you don't have to change them at all.
S3 L3: This needs to be a new line by moving the refrain here you are breaking your structure. Try to think of one more parenthetical revelation instead. L4: would than be the refrain, I understand why you removed the brackets but I would put them back here.
Ok then do a hard return so the final line stands alone. This does not violate your structure and would be a stronger choice. I like the elipses here too.
Reality Check:
Ok those are my thoughts. I want to make one thing clear though even though I said "you should do this or that" You are the poet here. It is your poem. I'm just trying to give you feedback and options. You will have to be the one to decide if you agree or think I'm full of it (and that is perfectly fine).
I think you have a good poem here with a little work.
I hope this didn't come across as too harsh. I wanted to give you the opinion you were asking for, and I didn't treat it like a joke--not that I'm saying anyone else here did.
Take care and keep writing.
2007-07-12 23:02:37 · answer #2 · answered by Todd 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
THAT ROCKS! Your Poetry is really nice! I compared to some poetry that one of my friends and I have! I loved your style! if I rated it, it would get like 100000000000000000000 out of 10! You are a really good poet and don't let anyone tell you otherwise! Seriously, If that was on sale, I would buy it if I was allowed! No matter the price- unless it exceeded $500! I look forward to when you post your next poem! it will rock! Good luck though with your skill, you don't need it, HAVE FUN CREATING YOUR POEMS!
2016-05-21 04:51:17 · answer #3 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I read the poem first for cadence and it was okay. Then I went back and read it again for content and substance and I really liked it. It has some meter inconsistencies, but overall, I liked it a lot and the idea it means to convey is clear. Unaccustomed "happiness" has come into your life because of "sleeping beside" your love at night.
Good try!
2007-07-19 19:19:46 · answer #4 · answered by Dee J 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hi i like it. it is coming from your heart and you put it into writing. it shows that you put some time and imagination into the poem. all good writers do that. dont sell your friends short, they have to know that you are very serious about your poems. in your heart there must be a young fellow that lives in your poem. keep at it. all good writers have to start some where. good luck
2007-07-19 08:34:59 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
It *is* worth reading! It *does* need a little work; but shows you have some promise. You're probably a little on the young side; so just keep it up! In today's vernacular, "You go, girl"!
2007-07-12 19:21:45 · answer #6 · answered by trebor namyl hcaeb 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My friend Randy...Your poem no bad! I have along time to reads this poem...i look that your poem just only your mind...not from what your appreciating you have all about....The people like Arthur Rimbaud, make his poem from what him appreciating or what he feel for...you know that poetry is art.
2007-07-20 05:19:39 · answer #7 · answered by roberth m 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's very sweet and deep. It was easy to read and I would read it again. It's cute and classic, good work! I can relate to it, ALL of it! Its a job very well done.
2007-07-20 02:46:29 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
wow it is very good im the same way my friends ignore me when i tell them to read them and tell me what they think. but turns out a book company wants to publish one of my poems! ha proved them wrong. well neways its very very good i like it!
2007-07-12 18:36:08 · answer #9 · answered by AlyssaElaine 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Thats a great poem! I like it.
2007-07-12 19:32:35 · answer #10 · answered by Alexis 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋