How can I get my wife of 24 years to "notice" me?.done it, spare me the flowers,romancing,listen to her...etc

Question

I am 42, in good physical condition, take good care of her and the children financially. She does not speak badly to me or treat me badly, other than I am only spoken to when there is a money need. P.S., she will not allow me to touch her in any way for 7 or 8 years....she just pulls away even in bed???? I just need her to recognize my existence I am near exasperated and ready to search for someone, anyone....not so much for physical activity but just to say "hi, how was your day" But I cannot leave my children, they need daddy.

Answer 1

The best advice I can give you is to look into getting marriage counseling of a spiritual nature. It seems that you've you tried flowers, candy and things of that nature. Now it seems that it is time you try God. If you haven't done so already, you should invite Christ into your life and your relationship. Your problems won't be solved over night but if you both enter counseling with an open heart and an open mind you can both recapture the love and happiness you once had. I will keep you in my prayers. Peace and God bless.

Answer 2

It's hard to know what the right thing to do in these situations. Yes your children need you but they also need to see you in a healthy relationship. If you tried all the other stuff and she still won't listen or acknowledge you then you seriously need to consider whether you should stay. Everyone deserves to be cared for, acknowledge and shown affection towards. No matter what you do you can't make someone change if they don't want to so all you can do is change in a way that will give you what you need. Now that doesn't mean I'm saying go out and cheat it means change your life. Your kids may not be able to tell you but they can certainly tell when things aren't alright between the two of you. If you are alright they will be too. They need you but they also need you to be whole not half a person.

Answer 3

Gee not far off from what I go through in my 20 year marriage. We still are intimate, I am in great shape he is not, he actually is overweight with a BIG belly and isn't as snazzy as I would like or as he used to be. We have been fighting alot and I hate any tension. so I try harder than he deserves, I think I want to separate I have 2 children 17 and 18 so I guess that makes it a little easier.My husband is cold and distant and angry all the time.He is depressed and he knows it. He chooses to nothing about it. I am at my wits end and am tird of always feeling defensive because of his bad attiude. He is not much fun to be aroud.If you and your wife have not been intimate in 7 or 8 years. That is definitely not a good sign. I myself could not have allowed that. I have my needs and that would not have worked for me.Good Luck with what you do. At this point I have alot of great friends, he has none. I go out shopping with my girlfriends and go to lunch too. I have just tried to disconnect meself from him it makes me feel more happy most of the time at some point I will be ready, I think it's not to far away. I work hard 6 days a week and have great children. Thanks to my positive attitude and my huge involvement with them. Have you told her how you feel?

Answer 4

It sounds like your wife suffers from depression. Her behavior may be frustrating to you, but it isn't your fault. It isn't your fault so therefore there isn't anything you can do to change it. She has to feel the need. A lot of times a person can suffer from depression for so long and just never realize they even have it. After all, it has been so long, if ever, since they felt "happy" they don't realize there is a better way to feel. Be honest with her about your feelings, including the one about leaving. Maybe that will motivate her to seek help. If not, then you need to do what you need to do to be happy. Having an affair is merely a short term solution however, and you really should consider a legal separation...then a divorce if her attitude remains the same. I don't like to suggest divorce, but a human connection is a basic need for people like food and water. If you are being forced to live without you will soon find it affecting your health in negative ways. It is no way to live. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Answer 5

Sometimes women need to feel appreciated, so, if you are really wanting to work on your marriage, you may want to recognize even the little things she does (like emptying the dishwasher). It may seem trivial to some, but it will make a difference in her "noticing" you.

If it has been 7-8 years since you had physical intimacy, you may want to suggest to her that the two of you seek marriage counseling together and see where that takes you. It will help both her and you to vocalize what is going on right now.

As for staying with your wife because your children need a daddy, that's true, they need a daddy. But, a daddy who is unhappy and in a loveless marriage is not healthy for them or their views on a healthy relationship. If your relationship with your wife is irreconcilable and toxic, it is better for your kids to have a relationship with you when you are happy and forging your own happiness. Just because you aren't married, it does not mean you can be a good father. Props to you for thinking about the kids, though!

Answer 6

Wow. Um, im 21, but i'd honestly say if youre not physically intimate in any way beyond 6 months... the fires out. The kids arent going to be left alone without you. (My parents got a divorce when i was young) Just make sure youre there alot. What with picking them up and such. I'd say its time to distance yourself first before choosing such serious actions as divorce or dating another. Try a hotel for a week, maybe two if you have to. This could probably use the good old "Distance makes the heart grow fonder"...

Just a thought from a youngin.

Answer 7

Hi I'm Mim.
Just want to say I don't feel sorry for because its not what u need!. By what you're sayin you're a great husband & Father any woman would be happy to have u in their lives! But only to talk to u when she needs money now thats very Rough & rude of ya wife. U truly need to attend Marriage counselling b4 wraping things up & calling a day! Just like everything else you need to earn ya way in & Out of things. People who tell u to simple file for divorced Don't! Not until u go up to ya wife sit her down ask whats her problem in this marriage & YOU tell her How U Feel!

Normimah Minen 29
Married 5 Half Years
Mother of Two
4yr Old Daughter Jazmina Binti Danial
2yr Old Son Azhar Bin Danial.

Answer 8

First, it appears that the communication has gone. It sounds as if you two are room mates. You need intimate converstations. I would see if she would be willing to see a councelor. Then I would sit down and write her a letter. I mean a letter from the heart. Talk about when you first laid eyes on her, how you feel in love. The little things, like how you think of her during the day, how you are so thankful that she is your wife. If she does not respond and is unwilling to go to counceling, I would hire a private detective or contact "Cheaters". I pray that it's only a loss of sexual desire and nothing more.

Answer 9

You need more help than you can get here. 7 or 8 years! OMG! You should've gotten help a long time ago. Your kids ought to be getting pretty old by now. I bet they see and hear alot more than you realize. I see only 2 options, either try a shrink, or threaten divorce. The only thing about a threat is you might have to actually do it. You are in the prime of your life...how sad....I hope you can find the happiness you deserve.

Answer 10

Ignore her.. start working on urself.. live your life with her, but as if she wasnt there.. she loves the power trip that she has over u always begging her to pay attention to u, the u pineing over her for her affection, she's on a power trip and its time to reverse the roles .. and the only way ur going to be able to do that is to change your routine and how u are doing things, start working out , more then usual if u already do, go to the gym.. go out buy some new clothes or cologne, get all "spiffy" so to speak more so then usual.. then leave to go to work, or where ever, basically make her wonder why the sudden change in you, give her the cold shoulder with out being rude, just be short with her like she's short with u.. act as u dont care and start actting happy even if ur miserable on the inside pretend ur the happiest person in the world.. Stop doing things for her personally, things that she would notice u stopped, but that would only affect her and not ur household .. u want to stand up and get her to take notice.. then u have to work at it, and u have to make her wonder what she's about to lose, and if the marriage should still fail, just think of how great ur going to feel and look when she does.. its better to be left while on the top of ur game then when ur insecure and heartbroken, it doesnt hurt as bad, so if thats her ultimate plan u'll be ready, but until then just have fun with ur life, dont do anything to breach ur marriage, but go to a friends house and watch a game and just say i'll be back by whatever time but dont tell her where ur going.. if she asks, tell her u'll let her know when she decides to be your wife again and not just your roomate.. .. and say it sweetly and then smile and say bye.. Why should u act like a concerned husband and worry about your marriage when she's not? thats not fair to u.. So dont do anything "Damaging" to ur marriage.. but stop being the one on the begging end, if she's like most women, she'll start getting worried, and wondering whats going on.. make her come to u..