is this a good poem be honest?

Question

put it to ur neck tilt it pull the triggar se wat happens
wat if the ravens

were knocking at ur door
skreaching evr more

death seems so little
how was ur life wittled

bare peice u scatered on the floor
u wer tore

how could i not have seen
if i had i would have interviened

put it to ur throught and pull the trigger

it travles thro ur artery in to a vein
travle till it gets thro ur brain
aint it a ashm


u left a note to say good bye
u made them cry
you left them all of them wondering y


no one knew about the attempts
about all the thoughts of exempt
and all the death tempts

suidide
ur a bird causing its own avicide
being relifed from the dark side


we will miss u
if only we knew
but we didnt have a clue

so now we say our adieu
to our one and only u



plzz be honest

i'm 14 actuly i just turned 14 so if it looks like a 13 year old wrote it its b/c a 13 year old did wright it

i am not righting about my self ...iit just poped in my head one day and i wrote it ...i just wanted to bring awereness to a sencitive subject

Answer 1

That was a wonderful poem. Full of happiness, flowers, rainbows, and little bunnies skipping around eating each other.

Answer 2

Okay Poet, you asked for an honest evaluation, so I'll give you one. However, understand that if you're going to be a poet, you'd better learn to take criticism with an open mind and iron skin. Don't try to "defend" your poem, listen to what your audience is telling you.

First and foremost, until you're famous or ridiculously wealthy, you'll have to live with the fact that it isn't "cool" to write poetry as if you're text messaging your "bff". That means the word "please" is spelled "p l e a s e", not "plzz"; the world "you", is not spelled "u", etc.

Poetry is about "words", not abbreviations, so treat them as if they mattered, because they "do" matter, very much. Also, typos in a poem submitted for review is next to heresy and floggings might follow.
"suidide"? "triggar"? "wat"? "travles"? Come on, if you have to use a spell checker, then do so, but don't pretend we don't notice, and age is not an excuse (I've seen 8 year olds who knew how to spell or use a word processor to avoid these errors). It's like a painter using dirt and saying, "yeah, I know it isn't really blue, but you know what I meant"...no, we don't, so do it right (not "wright").

That being said, let's look at the positive aspects of your poem, and there were many. First of all, it has a rap/beat poet flow. It isn't my favorite style, but it is a legitimate style, nonetheless. You have coined at least one new word, or at least new to me: "avicide", and that doesn't happen often. It is clear what it should mean, regardless if it's a real word or not, which means it doesn't matter, because the meaning is all that matters in such circumstances (it's called "word play"). Typos are not word play, they're just sloppy.

It's difficult to say too much right now. Clean it up, use modern English and correct grammar and spelling, then put it out again for comment. I think just doing that and that alone will surprise you as to how different the comments will be.

Keep writing, you have a good ear, just work on the "writing it down" part and you'll be on your way.

Answer 3

Instead of pointing out how crappy this poem is, I'm going to take a different approach. 1. Poem is good, all the words rhyme. 2. Spelling needs work though. 3. The poem is good. 4. Lets see all the criticizers write a better poem! To everybody who commented badly on this poem: she has a gift that not many people have. Writing poetry is a gift, one that you will never have. Give her a break, she could be a great poet one day.

Answer 4

Your grammar and spelling are very distracting to the reader, it takes away from what you want your audience to feel. Focus on each sentence one at a time and make sure each sentence connects to the next so that the whole poem makes sense. The first three or four parts aren't very consistent with the rest of the poem. Work on those things and re-post and I'm sure you will get a better response. Good Luck!!

Answer 5

The writing wasn't like a 13 year old, it was like an 11 or 12 year old.

I couldn't even finish it because the spelling was so terrible. If you want to put anything out to publishers or even other people at LEAST make sure they can read it first.

The only pro I can say is the flow of the poem.

Answer 6

Honesty here! please listen to me, I was about your age and I wrote a poem with all the contents of pain like yours, I was hurting more than anyone possibly knew, my mom found it one day and it tore her up, not saying . THAT CHANGED A WHOLE LOT 4 LONG. I sat in my room alot thinking about horrid things about myself and to do to myself, but then I stopped, I realized no-one is going to make me the way I want to be except me, it took all the srength I had to change my outlook towards me and express myself on how important I knew inside that I was and am. Look inside yourself, value your self worth, it comes down to u r your own worst enemy, love yourself, no-one is more important than yourself, love and trust yourself and all the negative goes away, I know!

Answer 7

It reads like lyrics to an emo song, and the manner of spelling really takes away from it.

Having said that, it does has a nice rhythm. Keep writing, but give yourself a few years to mature before you submit yourself to publishers.

Answer 8

once i got over text messaging

bad spelling

plagiarism (and/or allusions)
etc.

the line "ur a bird causing its own avicide
being relifed from the dark side"

i thought that was cool.

i think you can write.
i would love to see what you can write in real words.

Answer 9

Though a bit too morbid for my tastes, your poem is not *too* bad! It might be better though, if you could spell better! Not trying to be cruel, Karli - just honest, as you requested! Nobody else offered to help you polish it up; but if you'd like to e-mail me, I'd be glad to help you do so! Yes, I've got the time to do so and would be honored if you'd let me help!

I'm guessing you go to a government (AKA: public) school!

Answer 10

umm lets see in the first stanza second line, you totaly riped off edgar alan poe, least it's not hilary this time. i was really confused, but i guess thats normal for me. i couldn't understand a freakin word you said. but once again probably me. umm, the ryming was a little weird, there were defenatly some doctor suis moments, but i do like me some red fish blue fish, now and then. oh, thats a good movie, maybe you should write a poem about that. umm the last line i think you stole a word from g-ma jones thingy migig that you put in the coffen, and everybody laughed at. umm, who are we missing, and what? i just don't know. i think i am now scared of birds idk. what kind of freakin bird causes their own avicide. what the hell is avicide. i also didn't know ravens can knock, do they do like in the windex comerical. cause thats like suicide, so are we actually talking about the birds commiting suicide, or are we dealing with people, it would really help if i knew. ummm i really just don't get this line "bare peice u scatered on the floor
u wer tore" it just, well, idk. what can i say. what is bare, and is it really scaterable. and why would you put it on the floor, then you would just have to clean it up. oh i get you found a body, and now you have to clean that up, oh hay i wrote clean twice, welll now three times, and two indeed up in the same spot. hey you didn't kill anybody did you. idk.

well other than what i said i am totaly in love with the poem. umm, it's a master peice really. pure perfectiong,

omg, your three right. cause you should really be put in advance kidnergarden, i mean using the internet alone justifys that.

karli i am just playin witch ya, crap i don't know what this will looke like cause kit kat is standin in front of me and my left pinky is starting to cramp up. i haven't typed this much in like a year. anyway i think your poem was really good.

people on here probably think i am nuts, but I AM HERE SISTER. and i am just playin.

Answer 11

It is nice at your age. You need to brush off the mistakes.

Poems are your feeling expressed. So always feel good about your writing.

A good poet will create instead of writing his/her personal feeling. Keep going, you will reach that stage if you want.