We have gone from newlyweds to fighting often in 9 months. Despite the fact that I have not changed, he has started drinking heavily, turned meaner, acts moody, and says awful things to me often.
Tonite he was warm and happy to see me. Said I was so sexy. I said....after an hour of charming me...if I am so sexy why do you say mean things to me like I am old and fat two days ago. He says shut up and then says ....so maybe you are never sexy and walks away. He doesn't explain himself, acts unpredictable, and basically vacillates between loving me and later saying he hates that he married me....what the hell is wrong. WHY....what is the deal? Does he want to split and doesn't have the guts? Please let me know your thoughts and experiences.
2007-07-12 16:25:40 · 13 answers · asked by kishoti 5 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
As an alcoholic, he will punish you for his suffering. You CANNOT make him Listen OR Change! So often, we think we can help.
I thought I could help my family, so we went to therapy. All except my sister, who we lived with. She "didn't need help." She felt WE were the problem!! She blamed EVERYONE else for her failures, her problems, her pain. And we bought into her delusion, thinking the world had failed her. We tried to make up for all her suffering. I tried fixing things through therapy... but couldn't. The dynamics remained the same and everyone remained unhappy. My biggest failure? Relinquishing power to her! I believed that I was the problem, that I had let her down. But that was a lie!
She demanded loyalty... but wasn't loyal!
She demanded honesty... yet wasn't honest!
She demanded trust... yet wouldn't trustworthy!
She demanded loyalty... but wasn't loyal!
When people expect everyone to let them down, it's only a matter of time! No matter how hard you try, you WILL eventually fail them! After all, we are ALL fallible. Difference is, we forgive… they don't! She kept me running so hard, so focused on my flaws, that I didn't notice all she was doing to me! It was all about Her feelings, Her pain, Her expectations, Her disappointments, Her needs…
I was forced into hard choices to prove myself, like giving up on men! Feeling I had to be loyal, I gave up on marriage, love, or any possibility of romance… and my soul began to die. Love was something beautiful that I often dreamed of as a youth. I wanted a soul mate, someone I would be willing to die for. Perhaps I was naive, but that was my dream.
After filling her financial, emotional, and material needs for 20 years, I finally realized, “What About Mine?” Nothing in our home felt like mine. It felt like everything belonged to her. Listen Love, I allowed my life to be taken from me… No, I gave it up freely because I loved her so much and her kids needed me. I am Not sorry for that. What would have happened to those wonderful kids if I hadn't been there? My nephew was very, very ill. Without me, they may not have made it.
Here’s my advice to you:
Make a list of all the reasons to stay, all that keeps you there, what makes you feel good, what is worth the energy you put into this marriage, what do you gain?
Next, make a list of all you suffer, all that repels you, all that makes you feel bad, unworthy or diminishes you. Write all that drains you and what you lose by staying.
Look at the lists and see which one is longer. Look at what You wrote, and decide what you want. You are still young enough to start over. Do you want to discover one day that you wasted 20 plus years on someone unappreciative, only to discover you haven't the Will or Heart to try again? I've seen people resign themselves, saying it has been too long, that they no longer had a choice. They believed their life was over anyway. Basically, they just gave up, relinquishing themselves to lives of misery. What a tragic waste of life! I understand, because I almost did the same thing.
But that's NOT for me! I still have things I want to do, things I want to see. I still have a hunger that hasn't been filled! I plan to discover and fill it! I want to know that I did Something positive and satisfying before I die. I don't want to depart this earth with, “What have I done with my life?” still on my lips.
2007-07-13 00:25:56 · answer #1 · answered by Eudora 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Clearly something is going wrong. I don't know how long you were engaged, if you lived together before you got married, if he was like this before and was just on his best behavior for you until the wedding... Who knows?
What's important is that he has no right to treat you that way. I can't suggest strongly enough that you get some counseling as a couple. It may well turn out that he needs some individual therapy as well. I'm quite confident there is something going on that you don't know about or understand. Hopefully, you two can get to the bottom of it together but you don't have to put up with his emotional abuse. Hopefully he's not physically abusive as well.
Go get some help. If he won't go, you go. If you're afraid, set up a safe call with a friend that you'll call either once at day or at a particular time and if the time passes by an hour or two, your safe call buddy calls the police.
2007-07-12 16:50:25 · answer #2 · answered by Net Rider 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
That was bad on your part ...You can't just blurt out a reaction to your feelings..He gave you the answer you asked for....Your problems are with power struggles..They last about 6 years or so and only the strong survive them..You can make it easier on yourself by responding to him more positively even if you don't feel like it...And when there are open doors for discussions about feelings and making compromises to keep both of you happy then you may get some where....
Maybe he had a previous drinking problem and the pressure he feels to satisfy himself and you are causing a melt down..
Remember men are from mars and women are from Venus.We are 180 degrees different then our counter part..You can make it work and last but it will take allot of work on both your parts...Pride has to be done away with and your expectations in check...
The first thing you need to realize is that you made a commitment to each other and you need to talk about what brought you together in the first place...Communication is one of the keys to your success and being able to compromise on both of your needs, wants and expectations...
At this point you both are reacting to each other instead of responding positively....My husband and I had to go through marriage counseling before the pastor would even consider marrying us..We had a series of homework to do through the course and one thing we had to do was write our likes and dislikes about each other and then were made to discuss them and find out what we could do to help one another change what the other thought was weakness or bothersome.
Some matters were not worth the fight or the effort so those things were put away ...
In marriage our differences is what makes the union strong ..You use those strengths and weaknesses to build a strong long lasting relationship... You also need to choose your battles wisely or you can drive a wedge into the crack and you may or may not recover from it!
2007-07-12 16:49:58 · answer #3 · answered by blahblah 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would record him saying the mean stuff to you and play it back for him. This is mental abuse. If he is doing mental abuse what's next, physical. I come from a family where my dad done the exact as your husband to my mom and later turned very violent. If you truely love him, TRUELY, than try to convience him to go with you to get cousiling whether it is at a church or professional. And it is 50/50. Your husband could even have a mental problem like biopolar. Think of your marriage BUT think of yourself and use your head and not your heart so much when thinking on what's best for you and your husband. The heart can be tricky sometimes. Good luck.
2007-07-12 17:05:28 · answer #4 · answered by Angie 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like you two are young and thought marriage would be a happy ever after fairy tale. I'd dump the jerk, he's not going to magically change no matter what you say or do and if you two bring kids in the world, it's only going to get worse, never better. He sounds like he has major issues and I doubt it really has anything to do with you. Respect yourself and love yourself and get out of the marriage while you still can.
2007-07-12 16:31:48 · answer #5 · answered by Brandy 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
(( SNIFF SNIFF ))
Sounds like a lot of heartache is coming your way....and I smell a divorce in a not-so-distant future!
What is wrong is that he sounds like an alcoholic and someone who has severe issues to deal with... He sounds abusive and these people do not change. So you'd better start considering the fact he's going to make your life miserable if you let him...so start saving some money and contact your family now. Get help in case he gets worse.
2007-07-12 16:42:06 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Wow...9 months and he is treating you that way. I think that you need to sit him down and have a heart to heart...granted he might just blow you off but try anyways. Ask him to tell you what is the matter and then tell him what you feel he is doing to you. Try to remain calm even when he gets upset and keep a level head. This is not the time for a fight. If he is willing try marriage counselling.
2007-07-12 16:32:01 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your husband needs counseling. There is obviously something wrong with him that he is not telling you about.
Furthermore, when he tells you that you are sexy, that is when he wants to participate in some extracurricular activities in the bedroom. That is not a good time to bring up what he said 2 DAYS AGO.
2007-07-12 16:30:00 · answer #8 · answered by mjh 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I wouldn't let anyone talk to me like that. I'd be gone so fast it would make their head spin. Life is too short to be miserable. But some people put up with it...and ***** about it the whole time.
2007-07-12 16:30:51 · answer #9 · answered by Becky F 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
And he all of a sudden changed in 9 months?
You picked a winner, and you knew it. So it's his fault?
You made a mistake, get it annulled now so you don't have to go through a lengthy divorce!
2007-07-12 17:12:00 · answer #10 · answered by jonesk_92656 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋