cheating to figure out feelings?

Question

I was in a relationship with "the love of my life" and I basically couldn't get my stuff together back then. I couldn't hold a job, I dropped out of school, etc. After years her waiting for me to show anything, she found another. She got married, and I finally stopped hoping we'd get back together when I found out she had kids (twins). Losing her lit a fire in my behind to get my stuff together. In the meantime, I met my wife and we have two kids. I never got over her. I'm supposed to be happily married, (my wife and I don't argue), yet I still have feelings for her. She's been divorced for two years and we've recently gotten in contact, and the feelings came back with a rush. I fear (know) I married the wrong woman (we both settled). My question is this, should I try to meet the "love of my life" to verify my feelings when I know verifying my feelings will end my marriage, or do nothing because I have love for my wife and I don't want to hurt her and it will affect my kids lives?

Answer 1

damn you have quite of a situation here man ! well I know this isn't going to be the popular vote but , you only live one time you should be happy ! I think there is only one perfect mate out there for everyone you just got to find and hold on to them ! I am really sorry there are children involved in this mess .... If you want to be with this other person you should be straight up with your wife , cheating and cheaters suck ! Your wife is gonna be hurt no matter what cheating or leaving but , I would prefer honesty and day over lying and cheating !

Answer 2

You can never know how much your children would suffer unless you choose to ruin their lives. The best gift a parent can give their children is to love the other parent.

You have made a commitment to your wife to love and cherish her for the rest of your life or hers, before God. The old flame is only tempting because at the time you knew her, she had no children and was much younger. She has changed and so have you.

Please seek counseling for this problem. There are certified Christian counselors who can help you to do what is right and even be glad that you did. Don't mess up your life, your wife's life and your children's lives. Seek professional help immediately.

If you were to make the mistake of choosing to leave and hurt your wife, you probably could never go back. It is very possible that she would meet and marry someone else who would live in your home and be a father to your children. You would then become the main male figure in the life of the children in the ex's home. You know that you can not love someone else's children the way that you love your own.

Answer 3

This woman broke your heart and your going to turn around and do the same thing that was done to you. Your going to brake your wife and kids hearts for what exactly,unfinished business because that is all it is. You are the one who contacted her right so that means you went out of your way and did something that you knew was wrong but you did it anyway. You don't deserve your wife and kids and if or when you do this just remember that their is someone out here that will give your wife the kind of love she deserves.Another thing this woman you say you should of married isn't the same woman you remember but you won't see that until the newness and excitement wears off but by then it will be to late to do anything about it.Your wife will hate you and so will your kids but why should you care you will have a new family kids and all.Be prepared to face the consequences my man.

Answer 4

No, you should NOT meet her. You should not even be speaking to her.

You married someone and have children who deserve a loving, STABLE home. She did the same thing. It doesn't matter two freaking cents what you FEEL. You might run off with Miss Perfect and find out a year later that those feelings were nothing more than young lust and the frustration of lost youth....could you live with that?????

You made a commitment to the woman you loved enough to marry (funny you were able to get yourself together AFTER Miss Perfect left, huh?) and have children with and you need to keep the covenant for yourself, for her, and more importantly for your children. Is THEIR emotional well being worth your "feelings"...particularly since you don't have the first clue what those feelings really are???????

Make a conscious decision to say no to this. Tell Miss Perfect that you are both married and both have covenants to your spouses and the past is over. Wish her well and DO NOT SPEAK TO HER AGAIN. That's what a MAN would do.

Answer 5

Well as difficult as it may be to make this decision you gotta ask yourself are you truly unconditionally happy or just comfortable with your current situation? Did you tell your wife your feelings about this person before you got together? If your feelings are strong enough they are gonna pull you to your ex regardless of how hard you try not to. You'll grow resentful, the pressure will grow until you burst. It's best to talk before things get bad. That way you will keep from suffering more. What good will it be for the kids if you end up being resentful, arguing, possile fighting, lose home, job, money, and maybe even the kids themelves. Ask me how I know? HUM? To be honest i'm in that same situation except I haven't moved on, he has. In another relationship. We share a child and I still love him as much as the day I told him. Life is never fair but love is from above and nothing can be wrong about that. God makes somebody for everybody we just gotta go thru things to get to them. much luv!

Answer 6

Wow! This happened exactly to a male friend of mine. He got married to a women, when actually he still had feelings for an old girlfriend. His old girlfriend also got married too, but divorced only 9 months later. While the man was married, he decided to reconnect with the old flame and they had an affair for about 6 months until his wife walked in on the two of them having a very, very intimate lunch together. In a panicked state, the man begged his wife not to leave, agreed to never see the woman again, and agreed to go to counseling. But two weeks later, the man was caught seeing his old flame again and the wife filed for divorce. The ex flame was happy that the wife was going to be out of the picture and told the man she loved him, but the man was not happy at all. After a couple of months, it became clear to him that he didn't love this old flame at all; he just never resolved the hurt feelings he had from the past because she left him 6 years prior because he refused to marry her. But it was too late. The man lost his wife and he totally lost interest in his old flame. Now, the wife is remarried and adores her new husband. The old flame is still single. And the husband is now older, still single, and is having difficulties finding a woman.

Answer 7

If u meet her before u figure out where u want ur marriage to go, u are setting ur marriage up for failure and also for some deep regrets. You need to have a clean slate before u try to dabble in old flames. I had this same experience. I was in a long term relationship with someone that I settled on. My first love came back out of the blue. He told me he had been searching for me for quite some time and that he still had feelings for me. Of course still not over him, I jumped at that opportunity and met with him. Big mistake!!!! not only did I miss a relationship that was based on the past, I had to sneak around which become very difficult to do after a while. I had to tell lies to cover up other lies. Eventually, yes it did lead me to leave my long term, which was good. It gave me a new focus so I wasn't afraid of leaving him behind. However, the old flame died out quickly, as we learned that we had nothing in common anymore. We were pining for something that didn't exist. Long and the short....you can't juggle that kind of emotion... it hurts everyone involved, not just your wife and kids, but it'll will hurt u just as much, if not more!

Answer 8

Are you selfish enough to ruin the lives of your kids is what you're asking. What you had years ago is over. I know from experience trying to go back to the past doesn't work. Things are never really the same as they were the first time around. If you really love your wife, you'd cut off all contact with your former flame, and be thankful for the love and support and family you have. The grass isn't always greener on the other side.

Answer 9

You know, sometimes situations that seem incredibly complicated on the surface really aren't so complex. I think it's good that you're asking an impartial group of people about this (although I'm sure you'll get some flippant or high-horse answers as all the questions seem to).

Here's my best advice. Deal with your marriage as a separate issue from your ex. Because, let's say you think your ex is "the one," you leave your wife, you try to make a go of it with your ex, things don't work out... where does that leave you? Or, things seem to be working out with the ex, but, man, look at the pressure on her!

We always idealize our first loves... it was long ago, time alters our memories, we forget the bad times, remember all the good. Time takes its toll on marriages with mortgage payments and whining kids and all that... if you'd have married this "love of your life," there'd still be stresses and arguments-- it wouldn't be all wine and roses.

So. Getting her out of your mind for a minute. You said that you "know" you married the wrong woman and you were settling. Well... there you go. If you're not in love with your wife (although you say you love her and don't want to hurt her, which I can understand), you owe it to her to end the marriage. Make sense. You OWE it to her. This way, she'll be free to find someone who IS madly in love with her. You may or may not end up with your ex. But, you'll be older and wiser and know what you're looking for.... maybe you'll find it later down the road? You could look at the renewed contact with your ex and the memories associated with it as a different sort of fire under your behind... you're waking up to your less-than-ideal marriage and seeing that you want something different.

Try to make it as painless as you can for the kids... it will turn their lives upside down for the next year or two. Your primary focus when ending a marriage should be on them, not chasing down another woman. Good luck.

Answer 10

You are married and have children. Now, be a man and take care of your grown up responsibilities. Tell the "other woman" to quit contacting you and you do the same. People change over time and neither her nor you are the same person so chances are your relationship would be totally different anyway. Stop living in the past and take care of your wife and kids in the present and future!

Answer 11

You are married and have children to consider in this situation. You say you love your wife, and don't want to hurt her. Don't hurt her then, or at least give yourself one year to decide. Meanwhile, don't see the first love, go on in your marriage and try to make it work, and after a year if you feel the same way as you do now, then perhaps you can decide whether you should leave her or go on in the marriage. However, having said this, don't forget how it would hurt your kids.