Stephen Ambrose leaned over the polished metal railing of the Hazleton Avenger, looking out into the distance at the fading amber light of the setting sun, which reflected in glorious splendor off of the dark navy blue of the ocean. It looked, in a way, like the sun was plunging down into the depths, as though it had simply grown weary of shining, and had decided to end it all by extinguishing its flames in the cool and salty blackness of the bottomless sea.
Stephen sighed, glancing down at the digital display on his watch. The brilliant, icy blue LCD display on the watch face showed it to be nearly seven thirty five. In a little over twenty five minutes, Stephen himself would be making a descent beneath the waves in a small, cramped submersible. He thought that he should make the most of his last few minutes on the surface. After all, he wouldn't breath in the cool, fresh air or see the sun again for more than twelve hours.
2007-07-12 14:49:29 · 12 answers · asked by - Tudor Gothic Serpent - 6 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Books & Authors
Is it descriptive enough? Is there anything I really need to work on?
2007-07-12 14:50:06 · update #1
hp_resource:
Without saying anything about the rest of the book, the time is actually very important. The description of the ocean is so vivid because it is important to the main character.
2007-07-12 14:57:17 · update #2
Even though you can't tell from the beginning, this is a gothic horror novel.
2007-07-12 15:03:35 · update #3
Fantastic start! Here's a few comments (be warned, I'm a rather critical editor):
1) Some details seem forced (cool, fresh air...small, cramped submersible
2) Good job of starting in medias res
3) Use richer vocabulary
4) Circumlocution (it looked, in a way...remove "in a way")
5) Vary pronouns; don't just say "Stephen"
6) Cross out himself at "Stephen himself"
7) "After all" = weak phrase
8) Last sentence needs complexity
I hope that helped...
2007-07-12 15:02:48 · answer #1 · answered by pquackey 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Its good but i felt like i was being choked by description! Its good to describe things that are important to the story but
"The brilliant, icy blue LCD display on the watch face showed it to be nearly seven thirty five."
That is WWAAYY! to much! Unless the watch is a main character i dont think i need to know every detail!
But that's okay! Good luck with your writings!!!
2007-07-12 15:59:28 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Too descriptive about boring things.
Your words are beautiful, but you're wasting those words on things that aren't important to the story or the plot. Extreme descriptors are usually a sign of immature writing.
People usually don't like to read about what a place looks like or how beautiful something is or how someone looks or what time it is... make them care about your character right from the beginning.
When I'm writing a beginning, I often refer to this website for inspiration:
http://www.hatrack.com/writingclass/lessons/1998-10-29.shtml
It encourages me that the beginning can be approached in so many different ways, and trial and error is the best way to go about finding a beginning that works.
** edit **
The problem is, I wouldn't want to even read the rest of the book if I think I'm going to be reading about majestic sunsets and oceans. I'm going to read because the sunset matters to the character, which is a feeling I don't get from this intro.
2007-07-12 14:54:15 · answer #3 · answered by HP Wombat 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋
It is a bit too descriptive. You are leaning towards purple prose there. Also, I don't like both paragraphs starting with Stephen. Too repetetive. You need to vary your writing a bit more. But the content is interesting. Keep it up. Pax - C
2007-07-12 14:53:38 · answer #4 · answered by Persiphone_Hellecat 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Perfect!
2007-07-12 15:02:37 · answer #5 · answered by Modi 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Way too many adjectives.
You must hold the reader with the first paragraph, if not the first sentence.
This example does nothing for me as reader except to show that you can construct grammatically correct English.
What's the genre? Rewrite. Cut. Rework to SHOW that genre. Don't TELL. SHOW.
2007-07-12 15:11:19 · answer #6 · answered by tlc 3 · 0⤊ 2⤋
Well, it's a little TOO descriptive. That's all I know how to put it.
Other than that, it's a very good story beginning in my opinion.
2007-07-12 14:52:43 · answer #7 · answered by Lauren 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
i thinks its really good and u dont need to add any more descriptions
it really paints a picture puts u in a scene
2007-07-12 14:59:08 · answer #8 · answered by Charlie Rae 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Pretty good, but the second sentence is cumbersome, meaning too long. Shorten it up a bit.
2007-07-12 14:52:54 · answer #9 · answered by Faedra 3 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Yes. It is descriptive. Really. Keep it up though, it sounds good.
2007-07-12 14:54:29 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋