How do I make my husband get off his butt and help out?

Question

We have a 14 month old baby and I'm in school full time, staying home with baby. He is a high school teacher. He comes home and sleeps on the couch. I am ready to stab him with a rusty pitchfork; I am so exhausted. How do I make him realize how hard I work and get him to help out? Please help!

Answer 1

Man, there are a lot of angry people on this site - Tim had the most helpful advice here! (Yay, Tim!)

Okay, here's the deal: your husband probably doesn't realize a)how much work you do and b)that you are tired and need help. I am *assuming* you have already sat him down and in a loving, non-confrontational sort of way have explained your situation and asked for him to help out a little more? Because if not, that's certainly the first step.

There are really four choices here, so let's go through them:

Choice #1: You don't say anything about needing help and instead continue doing everything yourself while building up a cesspool of anger and resentment towards your husband.

Choice #2: You nag your husband relentlessly about helping out more, making snide remarks about his laziness and refusing to acknowledge the things he does do, while building up a cesspool of anger and resentment towards your husband.

Choice #3: You ask your husband for help and accept that sometimes he will and sometimes he won't, and just decide that the things that don't get done really aren't that important anyway.

Choice #4: You say screw it all and let the house go to pot, and happily spend your newfound free time playing with the baby and doing homework.

My approach is to just do what I can and what I feel needs to be done, and if I need help I ask with sincerity and without any judgment or condemnation towards my husband. In return, he is generally prompt about providing the assistance I need. Some things aren't worth getting worked up over, and whether or not the trash got put out before trash day is one of them. (The trash man will come again next week. That's what we pay him for.)

You are a very lucky woman, with a husband who is willing to work hard every day so you can stay home with your child and further your education. That is a rare gift and one many women desperately wish they could have. You deserve time to rest, but he does, too - maybe you could work out a loose schedule for watching the baby in the evening so you both get some time to unwind, and let the less-important stuff (like housework) retreat to the back burner for a while.

Good luck! :)

Answer 2

Get rid of the couch! Just kidding. Have you actually come right out and asked him for help? Next time he comes home from work ask him how his day went and then hand him the baby. Tell him you need to run some errands and then get out of the house for an hour. He'll survive.

Answer 3

Try communicating with him a different way. Maybe it is because you are not telling him in a way that really makes him understand. I don't know maybe try and rewards type thing. The more he helps out, you do something for him too. Most likely he simply does not understand what you need, and needs to almost be hit over the head with it before he will understand. I would caution against drastic measures though, such as threatening divorce or anything like that as a scare tactic!

Answer 4

It's a vicious circle he has to get out of. He has to understand we all work and are tired and if he wants to go to bed early it's fine but he has to spend a bit of time with you and your child after supper. If he won't help, you can get a maid to come in once a week to help you with the biggest of the cleaning, doesn't need to be too expensive and yes he can afford it. Your husband probably does not exercise and eat too much of the wrong food, that's why he's ready to crash when he comes home. Your marriage will suffer from his catatonia. Try to negotiate some kind of activity with him after supper, biking, walking, gardening...good luck

Answer 5

don't do anything, when he gets home act like you have to go somewhere in a hurry , tell him the bottles are in the fridge and leave. it works men belive because we stay home with the kids we have all the energy in the world. when i started working and my husbnd was at home he finally realized how much work it was and from then on he helps with everything. so he just need a dose of what you go through on a daily basis

Answer 6

Tell him you need to talk about what happens in a family where the family members care and help each other.

Tell him you are exhausted and you cannot keep doing all the things you're doing now.

Then give him a list of things that he will be responsible for every week.

Answer 7

You two need to sit down and have a serious discussion about dispersion of responsibilities. If that doesn't do it a trip to Dr. Phil should do the trick unless you can get him to do a role reversal on his own so he can see how crazy your life is without his help. He needs a wake up call or you need to be more open with your needs.

Answer 8

Rusty pitchfork. What a great idea. If he doesn't die impaled lockjaw will surely be the death of him.

Why do I get this distinct impression you're a farmer's wife and live in a trailer in Louisana?

Answer 9

Tell him ahead of time you are not doing his laundry, ironing or any other personal service ,you will no longer do all the work. Then stick to it. He wont notice until he has no clothes left in his dresser and when he storms and has a fit that he has no clean clothes for work, oh well. Don't argue, don't give in, disengage, it is now his problem. You are not the maid.

Answer 10

Men. Are. Lazy. He's not going to do anything more for you than he thinks he has to to keep you around. Men would wallow in piles of their own feces if they could get away with it. Unless they happen to be considerate or neat freaks. Haven't met one like that yet... that was straight anyway. Good luck though.