So Grey (What do you think? Be honest!)?

Question

I feel so grim and blank and grey-
I cannot tell my heart to stay.
I want to try but feel so cold-
My younger thoughts are feeling old.

I've cried a hundred-thousand tears
And mourned for all our future years.
I do not want to get up again-
I'm tired of wondering where you've been.

My trust is gone and I'm so done.
You always think your're having fun.
You open up a putrid sore-
And every time I bleed some more.

My plans and dreams are down the drain.
I cannot take another pain.
I'm counting down- I'm going slow.
I have nowhere I want to go.

I know there's hope somewhere in time.
Maybe I'll find it as I rhyme.
Until I do I'll play the game
And guess that you will do the same.

Answer 1

It is very difficult to pull off a string of couplets without making it sound "rhymy". The thing is that you need to make sure the pattern of the rhyme matches the theme. In this case, the sing-song pattern fights with the theme, which is rather dark. If you feel the need to rhyme, which you appear to have no problem doing, and doing a decent job of it in some areas so that it sounds natural (although forced in others), then you need to consider slant/half rhyme, arched rhyme or something other than full end-stopped perfect rhyme. Also, consider something other than Iambic as your beat. Your concept is good, so is your vocabulary, but you need to rewrite this so that form matches theme and so the beat doesn't lighten up your darker voice.

Answer 2

i like it, a lot.
very good rhyming too.

keep writing, you're very talented.

Answer 3

IT IS AWESOME U GO GURL