Hubby of 5yrs just told me he wants to separate because he doesn't like mine or his parents?!?

Question

He's always had a troubled relationship with his Mum&Dad & thinks that my parents feel the same way about him (they don't, but becoz he doesn't hang around them much, they don't know him very well).
It was my Dad's 60th on the w/end. We had a BBQ with friends/family & hubby stayed for a while, then went home by himself. Since then, he's slept in the spare bed & hasn't talked to me. I've tried to ask him what's wrong & he keeps telling me "leave him alone, I'm over it".
Last nite, I finally got him to tell me what was bothering him: "He doesn't fit into anyone's family: his family don't like him, my family don't like him (not true), he doesn't even feel like he fits in with me and our 3yo son. He thinks it's better for everyone if we separate. He still loves me, but not in the same way anymore. He wants to stay at our place for our son's sake, but "live separately".
I don't want him to give up so easily. I want to try & fix this but he doesn't want to talk about it.
Help!

1. He told me he'd been feeling depressed for a while. Thought of suicide but decided against it because doesn't want to loose son. Yes, I think depression is the underlying reason behind his decision.
2. He's been doing his own cooking/cleaning this week, so he's not in it for the free ride.
3. I don't want him out of the house/my life. I still love him and we have so much invested in this family. There is a child involved too!
4. I honestly don't believe there is someone else involved. You may think I'm naive, but I don't think that's in his character to do that. "There must be someone else" is not always the answer.

Answer 1

OK, there has to be more to this. maybe its 7 year itch or he's just not happy with you anymore.

IDK> but he needs to move out if your not going to act as hubby and wife.

Answer 2

Forget that stay in the house and "live seperately" crap. That is pure bullsh!t!!! If he can't be a man and keep his vows to you and a commitment to his family he needs to get out and you should have no problem seeing him to the door. If he is not cut out to be a family man and wants to still chase skirts, let him.

However, if he really loves you, it is possible that this could be fixed with a little attention and sensitivity to the situation. Perhaps your husband has always been a loser and a f*ck up and he feels like everyone sees him that way and looks down on him. Your husband could also have social anxiety. In social situations, you should be like his cheerleader and give constant support so that he feels confident. Be sure to drop hints about what a good father and husband he is and mention the things he does well and his strong points. Also, I'm sure you nag and complain like any other woman so just make sure to do a little less of that and offer a little more help, support and positive reinforcement to help him be a strong and confident man that is able to lead, protect and provide security for his family. But DO NOT do any of this in such a way that makes him feel like a child or handicap that can not think and talk for himself.

Good luck. I hope everything works out for the best.

Answer 3

There is more to his wanting to separate...

his statement "he doesn't even feel like he fits in with me and our 3yo son. He thinks it's better for everyone if we separate. He still loves me, but not in the same way anymore. He wants to stay at our place for our son's sake, but "live separately"...

Sounds like the same exact things people that are dead smack in AFFAIRS say when they can't figure out if they want the OTHER PERSON or their SPOUSE. Could be that he has found someone that he thinks he fits better with...but he doesn't realize he is just in a fog and fantasy land.

Also the living separately HELPS him so he can do what he wants (see other people) while under the same roof with you. DON'T agree to that. When my husband and I separated for a few weeks this year...I told him if the separation was about him seeing other people that he can file for divorce right now...because adding other people to the mix will just cause more problems. So we agreed...NO SEEING OTHER people. YOU need to set ground rules if you are going to agree to "live separately". My husband did decide to work on things (a decision that he had to come to by himself) and we have been working on things for a few weeks a they are much better.

Tell him that you want marriage counseling and if he protest...tell him he can LEAVE, pay you child support and sousal support.

Find things you can do on your own and concentrate on YOU right now. Don't go begging, pleading or nothing with him. He will just see it as "nagging"...

visit www.marriagebuilders.com ... it is a great website.

Answer 4

He needs therapy. Also, it does sound like he wants to be able to date around.
He sounds like a troubled person. Unless he is willing to go for help, the ball is in your court in what you decide to do. It would be in his best interest to live in the house (no child support, cheaper to still live together, he doesn't lose material things) but he would start dating and staying out all night most likely. Living single and a bed to come home too with cooking and cleaning provided oh yeah and child care (by you). He wants to have his cake, eat it too and find a way to make you believe it isn't really just that. Good Luck to you.

Answer 5

He is most definantly going through a bought of depression, and self doubt. I'm not saying he might still be in love with you or not.
I am saying that depression can mess with your feelings, and make voids that arne't really there.
He needs to seek some help, Because not only is it you, it's his parents, your parents, and his son.

There's no doubt in my mind that there's something wrong upstairs, that he is having servere time dealing with.

I would watch him carefully, suicides, and self mutliations start with this simple feeling, he's pulling away from people, and the only people he has to love. He's feeling self doubt, the fact that he hasn't tried to be with your family, becuase he has been distant with his, shows that he isn't trying becuase he questions his self worth.

be very very careful. Dont get mad at him, dont belittle him, but dont encourage him to stay this way either. Encourage him to do things with your son, the three of you, tel him it's healthy for the child, when in reality you're helping him be apart of something. Seek out medical attention and watch the way he ineteracts with his friends, if he has any. Talk to them, ask them if he's been differant, see if he goes out, and does normal things.

Answer 6

I don't think that marriage counseling is the answer here, but some other sort of therapy would be in order! It sounds as if the relationship ( or lack thereof) with his parents has made it difficult for him to fit in with family. I never felt as if I fitted in with my family, and it impacted on my self esteem. When I met my in laws, I was convinced they did not like me, and that I did not deserve my husband either. In my mind, I was not a very likeable person, and felt that no one really liked me anyway. ( I am sure that because of my attitude, not too many people did at that stage!) It was only after therapy that I was able to understand that it was my family who were the ones who made me feel this way, and that others in the world were not the same as them. I admire you for wanting to try and fix this, and pray that you will be able to get him to agree to therapy, he sounds like a vey unhappy person, and he must be hurting a great deal.

Answer 7

I don't really know what to say here, because so much of it is obviously up to him. Basically, he has serious family issues, and needs to see a counselor; unfortunately, that's his choice, and you can't force him. Also, he sounds kind of depressed, and should try seeing a doctor; once again, his choice. If you try to push him into these things it'll only force him further away. If he won't talk to you, write down exactly how you feel about everything and leave in whatever room he's sleeping in - somewhere he can't miss it, like on his bed. I'm really sorry about this, good luck.

Answer 8

Let the self centered jerk go, he wants his cake and eat it too...you are to special to be yanked around by someone like him. He is just making up crap to give him an excuse to leave, stop treating him like and child tell him grow up or get the FFFFFk out of the house, you have one child you dont need another one, as for your son, you do not want him learning bad relationship traits from his father, if he is not sleeping with you, he is either gay, or getting it somewhere else trust me...make him get his own place and rack his *** for child support, that is why he wants to stay with you to live separate, so he wont have to kick in the dough.....get a good lawyer and give him the best screwing he has ever had!!!!

Answer 9

It sounds like the parent thing is sort of a smoke-screen so to speak. He may feel that way - but there is something else wrong here. If he feels like he doesn't even fit in with his wife and his own SON, there is a big problem. I would suggest trying to get him to go to a counselor and try and get to the root of the issue.

best of luck to you, sorry you're going through it.

Answer 10

You need to convince him for professional help, go to a marriage counselor. I hope that work out good for both of you. If you love him try to communicate with him and understand him, maybe he really needs you to show enough care and love and from everyone else because he grow up in a family that he thinks he never belong.Anyway, i hope everything will goes well to both of you. Good luck!

Answer 11

what he needs is some counseling,
PERHAPS he is not happy w/ himself
& that is why he can't be happy w/ anyone else
once he gets to the root of what is bothering him
then he can fix the problem & get on w/ feeling
better . Hope things work out , good luck