My spouse cheated on me two years ago its extremely hard to forget and let go.?

Question

We spoke and decided to work things out due to our kids. The problem is even though we are both trying to move forward, it is extremely hard for me. I get flashbacks and her treason feels like it just happened yesterday. I wonder if these feelings will ever go away? Any suggestions from anyone in a similar situation?

Thank You All. I appreciate your time and points of view.

Answer 1

I am probably not one to answer this. I have never been faced with this problem, however as an outsider looking in I guess the questions you should ask yourself is. ... Do I love this person? Do you really want to work things out for you BOTH.... dont put the kids in the picture. Kids are not dumb and they know if their parents are happy or not. Staying with someone in an unloving situation for the sake of the kids is not the answer in my opinion. The kids will accept the change and adapt if you both decide to seperate. I am not sure if these feelings and flashbacks will ever go away. I would suggest counceling and a real heart to heart with your spouse and decide what and how you can be happy. You only live once. Make the best of your own life and the lives of your children. Life is definately too short to be miserable. Good luck.

Answer 2

I am honestly in the same situation. He cheated a little more then 2yrs ago. It was real hard for a long time. I will be honest somedays I am just not sure that I trust him and to be honest I guess that may never go away. I do the best I can to think of all the good times and the good years. Ya I do get suspicious but there has never been any smoke or fire.
He knows it will take time forever if I need it and he is willing to give that to me. He knows he has to work hard to keep my trust and full discloser is the only way to go.

Good luck.

Answer 3

I experienced a similar situation when I was married and I am divorced now. To put it simply, there is no marriage without trust. If it's been two years and you're still tormented by the affair, I'm not sure if you'll ever get over it. If you insist on staying married to your spouse for the sake of the kids, my only advice is maybe you should cheat on her. Make it a one time ordeal. A simple one night stand. Once you have your moment of indiscretion, you won't feel as bad anymore about what she did to you. A lot of people won't agree with this type of advice, but what are your other alternatives?

Answer 4

I think everyone thinks that you are a woman who has been cheated on. But from reading your question I think that you are a man who has been cheated on right? You will never be able to forget the memory is going to be there forever. You just have to work on building trust again, both of you can not hide anything if either of you want to check each others email account or phone log you have to allow it. Just work on making each other feel special again buy flowers for no reason, put a sticky note somewhere for the other to find saying how much you love them or that you're thinking about them. Have date nights WITHOUT kids. MAKE EACH OTHER FEEL SPECIAL

Answer 5

i understand...
My g/f did the same thing to me...
... unfortunately... that was 10 years ago... it took me about 2 years to figure it out... for myself... but now... i am regretably in the same situation all over again.
CANNOT TRUST HER!
Why? Emotionally,,, she has cheated on me, again.
She now reverts to seeking emotional support with other guys. (friends she calls them) but none the less... she has NO Right to do even that!
She is detatching herself... once again... or even cheating on me again!
So what do i do?
I left. No explanation.
Just left.
WHat about the kids?
When she came back to me and asked.
I told her what i found out.
ANd even though she says she isn't sleeping with anyone else... its the coldness and the heartless of her reaction that made me so TIRED of trying.
YOu cannot try.. if she is already... left the building.

My integrity... is... i tried... tried again... and cannot try any longer. I have never cheated. ALways put her first.... the kids second... and me last.
She has so become accustomed to this... she ended up getting too comfortable... I never expected anything from her... and never layed pressure that i need some tendering once in a while.

Taken for granted (in hindsight that is).
And now... i have no energy for this BS.
For the last six months... i have been putting myself first.
The kids second... and her... in a distant third or other place.
Her security isn't there anymore...
I have become "DETATCHED from her"
I have focused on my health. Eating right
and exercising.
I socialize and go out with friends... letting them know... my situation... letting them know... i am passively looking and i am available. the kids see it.... but understand. (14 and 16)

I am sad about this... but not as sad as i first was ten years ago. I feel better... only because.. i think i have taken the right steps to move fwd (hence my handle name)....

I hope to meet my sole mate... (soon? or later?)
I hope you get through this too.
I sense... you too provided 110% and she was the taker.
Slowly take what's yours now... and look after you.
Find the old hobbies that you once loved... but never had the time. Right them down... to remind you of these things.
And hopefully in six months or so.. you too can check some of these "wishful" things off your list too.

good luck

will

Answer 6

Staying together just for the kids is the absolute wrong reason to stay together. If the two of you are not happy, the kids will see that and it will put emotional stress on them. It just isn't fair to the kids.
But here's the thing. I cheated on my now fiance. We stayed together because there is love between us. And that's just it. Do you love her? If you feel questionable on those grounds, then it is not meant to be. But two people who are truly meant for each other will overcome obstacles and come out ahead in the end. My fiance and I love each other so much that there are no hard feelings about the past. We live in the present. He does not bring it up or rub it in my face or make me relive my mistakes. He knows that I know what I did was awful, unforgiveable to most. But he will not make me suffer because of it. Now that is love. If you love her enough, you must learn to accept what happend on your own. You have to really decide whether she is trustworthy again. It is not easy, but I think that is something you have to do aside from her, only because it sounds like it is you with the issue about it, not her. If she is on board to make this relationship work with you, then it is up to you to fight your own inner demons that are telling you not to trust her. And you know, there will always be a chance that she could cheat on you again, but that is a chance you take when you trust someone enough to love them.

Answer 7

Forgiving is one thing, forgetting something else. Forgiving comes from the heart, forgetting comes from the mind.
There is not an established amount of time to forget, but after 2 years, if he has not given you reason to mistrust him, you should be very on your way to forgetting a little.
It's not a matter of saying i won't think about it, because eventually you will, but try to put those thoughts on the back-burner if you want this to work.
If you gave it another try just for the kid's sake, you are not being fair to yourself and eventually you'll break and will want to leave. If you did this because you love each other, you can compromise and work it out.
Therapy will get you so far, but as i said, it's you who says if you want to keep gnawing at hurtful events or not.

Answer 8

if she has shown remorse, and is now being honest with u, i would get some christian counseling and try to hold my marriage together, forgiveness will take time, some need more time than others to get past betrayal, but if she is sorry, and admits that she did u a wrong, u need to forgive her, u are in control of your emotions, we can see things in a positive way or a negative, we can choose to let a crisis destroy or we can deal with it. its your ego that's hurt and wounded, that makes u feel less of a man, we can be a victor or a victim, its actually what we believe about our bad circumstances that will determine out destiny. there is something good beyond your obstacle, u have to let the hurt go, seek christian counseling, and pray about this before u make a huge mistake. communication is key here when trying to resolve hurts.

Answer 9

Your feelings are natural!! You will have flashbacks, goes with the process of dealing with this. You can't ignore this or just "let it go" like it never happened.

There is a lot of work to be done.

visit www.marriagebuilders.com (infedility) and www.ivilliage.com (betrayed spouses support).

You need to get to a point where you want to work on your relationship because of you and your spouse. NOT because of the kids.

Answer 10

Everything in life is a "choice". You chose to stay and work things out for the kids sake and yours too. You made that choice and now you must also choose to let the past be just that "the past"! You have to let your heart heal and not re-injure it with reliving the bad memories! You have to make the choice on your own. Be wise and choose to live and be happy and make yourself a stronger and worthy person because of this tribulation! You cannot keep trying to make new trash with yesterday's long gone trash! Put it to rest, you will be glad you did! No one is worth your worries! Let it go my friend! If you have a spiritual belief, let the Almighty High Spirit guide and heal your heart for a better and prosperous tomorrow! Your kids and you and your spouse deserve the best....work at it in unity....forgive...for it heals the heart and soul....forgiveness is love...real and sincere love keeps no records of wrongs! Free yourself of the past, remember that for the believer the best is yet to come and he who does wrong will have his own judgment day and it is not for us to judge while on this earth! Enjoy your stay on earth and have a happy life along with your family! Exterior things give us happiness but interior things give us joy! Much Joy friend!