The Truth
Jesus love
Is like a dove
White and pure
Any sickness he can cure
I asked him one day
“How much so you love me?” I say
“This much.” He said
As he was lead
He spread his arms apart
As each nail went in like a dart
Then he died
He never lied
He never sinned
But sin he did mend
In 3 days he rose
Know everything he knows
AND THAT’S THE TRUTH!
2007-07-12 11:16:38 · 7 answers · asked by SAXplaya! 2 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
please explain how i should revise it!! i don't even know what that means!!! lol... please!
2007-07-12 12:29:30 · update #1
Ok, first of all, the subject matter and phrasing is wonderful. The story if meaningful, and certainly true.
But, you're trying to write poetry, so it should sound good.
First of all, you use intermittent rhyming. The first few stanzas use AABB rhyme schemes, but the last 5 lines dont at all. Also, try to make the language of the poem read more like english. "Any sickness he can cure" for example, simply doesn't flow to a normal reader. Finally, try to use a more standardized rhythm. For example, you could focus on pairs of syllable length (that is, each rhyming line has the same number of syllables as its rhymer). Play around with words until it sounds almost songlike.
Otherwise, its a fantasic poem. As-is, I would still give it an 8 or 9 out of 10. While it does have room for improvement (and some is personal taste), it is deeply meaningful, moving, and does honestly sound pretty good. A little fine tuning would make this poem spectacular.
2007-07-12 15:02:38 · answer #1 · answered by meb1337er 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's really good, but I do agree that it needs to be revised. Once it's revised the power of it will really show. Keep it up!
2007-07-12 19:21:20 · answer #2 · answered by Leo 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
lots of power but i hope this is the draft because it is only in its begning stage you need to revise it badly!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!REALLY REVISE IT!!!!!!
2007-07-12 18:52:24 · answer #3 · answered by Victoria S 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
your poem touched my heart
very nice
2007-07-13 16:26:40 · answer #4 · answered by sunflower 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
make each line a little longer.Good job though JESUS ROCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Go Jordan its ya birthday go Jordan Yeah Yeah...hmmm ...Umm sorry.
2007-07-12 20:48:50 · answer #5 · answered by jennifer b 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow! Thar's great. Thanks for being a rose among thorns.
2007-07-12 18:21:44 · answer #6 · answered by jsardi56 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
powerful...
2007-07-12 18:22:14 · answer #7 · answered by Mysterious101 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋