Should I tell him everything?

Question

Ok I got married 4 months ago and was pregnant. We had been trying for over a year to have a baby though so it was everything I wanted. Well I had a miscarriage and long story short I was so depressed I cheated on my husband with my ex boyfriend. Well we both decided it was a mistake and to keep it quiet but today I get a message on myspace from his mother! Telling me that she is going to find a way to contact my husband and tell him everything and if I text, call, message or anything to my ex that I will be "finished" That's what she said. I am worried sick. It's been like 2 months since the affair. I love my husband and don't want him to leave me. I'm not sure if there is a way she could find to contact him. Should I wait it out or come clean with everything first. The reason I didn't tell him in the first place was because I swore to myself never to do it again and realized it was the past why hurt my husband who loves me so much with pain........now I wonder if I should tell him??

Oh and when I sais I got a message from his mother on myspace I meant my ex boyfriend's mother

Answer 1

Honey, you've told yourself this a hundred times, "I really screwed up." Now you need to tell him that. Start it out just like that, "Honey, we need to talk...I really screwed up...I've tried to ignore it, promising never to do it again, but I know I need to tell you so I'm not trying to cover this thing over forever...right after the miscarriage, you know how emotional I was. I looked for ways of coping with the hurt and the sadness...and I looked in the wrong place." Tell him again and again how much it hurts YOU too, that you messed up in a way that could hurt him so bad, but you hope you can rebuild his trust. Then work to rebuild it! Be 100% honest with him on EVERYTHIN from here on out. When rebuilding trust, it's even easier to break it again. Be smart from here on out. Don't hide anything from him - not big decisions, not little decisions, not financial decisions...this is going to be a process, and you're going to have to work at it. Good luck!

Answer 2

Yikes, this is tough. I always call this "poison" in a relationship- every time you keep the truth from your husband or lover about something that could and will affect him emotionally or otherwise, then it's poison to the relationship. It affects how you react and treat him, whether you're aware of it or not. If you and your husband have a strong relationship, this information will not destroy it but will hopefully make it better. If it breaks you two apart, then it's truly an indication that there were many things wrong between you two and it was just a matter of time before something was going to tear you apart. You never cheat for no reason- it's always because there's something missing from your current relationship. In this case, you didn't feel your husband was emotionally there for you during your depression, which made you reach out to someone external to your relationship to get comfort. Although this wasn't the best thing you could have done, it shows that you and your husband need to work on having better communication with each other- did he know you were depressed? If he did, did he just dismiss it or ignore your feelings, or not understand those feelings? Or were you afraid to tell him or show you your feelings in the first place? These are the real underlying issues that can break down a marriage; the cheating was a reaction to something much more serious that lay beneath. If you and your husband can work out the root of this betrayal, then you guys have a real shot at making it. But you've got to clear the air with this- or you'll be tormented by the guilt of it forever.

Answer 3

Its amazing to me how women think and how they treat thier significant others.It would be easy to use your depression a an excuse,but wait,if your were depressed,shouldn't you have confided in your HUSBAND instead of your ex?People rush into things to quickly.Do you not think your husband was greiving as well.I know you were carring the child but he helped make it didn't he.Please read the answer from angellight.She makes about as much sense as an ant loving an anteater.She cheated on both her marriages because she didnt love them but now she has a man she dearly loves so now she would NEVER cheat.What if the man she loves dearly Cheated on HER.NOW it would break her heart!
Do you not think this will hurt the man YOU love when he finds out.If I were you,I would tell mih yourself.It won't lesson the blow but give the man a chance.Men are very intuitive when they really love someone.Im sure he knows something is wrong just by the way you have probably been acting sinse it happened.If he loves you like you say he does,he wont understand but he will be more apt to listen coming from you.It will also help with the healing process on his part.The trust issue is heavy on his mind NOW.If you truely love him like you say then tell him and give him the benefit of the doubt that he loves you just as much.
And tell the ex's mom to bugg off.Dont let one wrong be anothers advantage over you.

Answer 4

well let me put it this way.....no matter how depressed you get, you still know the difference between right and wrong, and you know that by being with your x was wrong since you were married.....so first of all, when you cheat on a spouse, this means that you do not love them or care about his or her feelings, and that you are being selfish, and only caring about yourself. Thing of it is, if it is over between you and the x, then why are you still calling, emailing, texting, etc. stuff to him. His mother knows that it is wrong, and is trying ot save her son from a possible a*s beating from your husband. If I were you I would just head her warning and stop calling her son and let him move on with his life, and find a decent woman, that will not cheat on him. It is apparent that you cannot be trusted, because if you get depressed, you find someone to sleep with. You need to wait to get pregnant again, until you decide if your husband is the man you want to be with forever.

Answer 5

Well, that is a difficult situation to be in...Sometimes it's hard being honest because your biggest fear in him leaving you may just be the option he may take..Leaving it alone could be just like waiting for something to happen....Would you be able to live unconsicously free without any guilt?? That can be also hard....I have been in a similar situation once and to be honest, I denied everything I was being accused of...It worked for me because who knows for sure other than the two people involve....For all your husband has to know is that your "ex-boyfriend's mother" is just trying to start problems....Who will he believe and trust??? You of course......You may just have to weigh out your options and feelings....Don't let this drive you insane because thinking about it can...Don't even bother with your "ex" or contact him.....Move on as if you already did...I hope everything works out for the best***

Answer 6

Nopes...Do not tell him! Honesty not always pays off! If you regret it in your heart and it will never happen again...No need to tell...He didn't deserve what you did But unless you plan to leave your husband...keep your mouth quiet... It will destroy what is left from your marriage. I had a miscarriage and I never cheated, actually made our marriage stronger because was so painful that we had none but our self to lean on.
You made a mistake and leave it on the pass. Do not contact your ex ever again! not even to say hi; block your mother in law from your space and never look back again. Keep this as a bitter mistake....

Answer 7

I realize having a miscarriage is a very hard thing to go through and something that's nearly impossible to deal with. I have helped several friends through that grieving process. However, I don't think it would be appropriate to blame your affair on the depression - it doesn't make sense (I'm not saying thats NOT why you did it, just that it sounds strange), and your husband probably wouldn't understand.

Please tell him what happened - it is best for him to find out from you rather than someone else. Trust me - it will hurt less coming from you. It WILL hurt, but he will be even more upset if he hears it from someone else and finds that you planned to keep it from him forever.

Good luck!

Answer 8

Say nothing and don't do it again. Ask God for forgiveness and never, never be in contact with the ex again. You have taken a chance on breaking your husband's heart. He is the one who loves you enough to spend the rest of his life with you. The ex was just a fling. However, if your husband should find out, don't lie to him. Just tell him that you made a horrible mistake that you deeply regret and you didn't tell him because you love him and didn't want to hurt him or for him to leave you.

We all mess up at times. That is the reason that Jesus died for our sins. Turn to Him, accept His love and sacrifice for you, forgive yourself, and never do it again.

Answer 9

Please tell him everything. It will only haunt you for a long time if you don't. Let him make the decision of what to do. Yes he will be hurt, but worse the longer you carry on the deceit. It's a very hard thing to do to be honest and confess. You will feel tremendous relief for telling him. He will also respect you even more for telling him.

Answer 10

I don't condone cheating however, I do realise that life isn't black and white...we're only human and we ALL make mistakes.

Put yourself in your husbands shoes, if he cheated on you, would you want him to come clean with you, or would you rather not know?

Also, how does the ex boyfriends mother know?! Surely he didn't tell her?! Anyway, that aside, I think you should come clean, it's best your husband hears it from you and not from someone else.