Jesus was a youngster.
A dreamer through and through.
He never really could behave
As others liked him too.
Tending to his daily chores
While living in his mind.
He prayed for peace in sorrow
For the plight of human kind.
Jesus was a young man.
Hormonal, strong and bold.
Reflected in the ladies eyes
In teenage days of old.
He did not live in purity,
Nor did he live in shame.
Instead he walked the path to truth
And other's did the same.
Jesus was a rebel.
A rebel with a cause.
Resisted all authority
And disobeyed the laws.
He did not pass a judgement
And gave his people worth.
The man they sent to offer peace
Had many tasks on Earth.
Jesus was a brave man.
He didn't give a toss.
They hung him up with rusty nails
To show him who was boss.
But never did he grumble.
Till' the moment of his death.
He prayed forgiveness for the world
With his last and final breath.
2007-07-12 07:24:51 · 18 answers · asked by ? 5 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
very good,has good rythm through it....
2007-07-12 07:28:19 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Poems with this sort of tempo, deserve a comedic or anti climaxing last verse. The rhythm is reflective of a primary school-memorised poem with its regularity - the onset of the poem suggests that it will be a Jesus homage - and it ends as such. There is no real grit to this. We all know the story of Jesus, and a lot of Christians have it modernised in this sort of ideological manner. I don't see how this has been effective - sorry. But good luck.
2007-07-12 08:02:06 · answer #2 · answered by john52238 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
" A rebel with a cause" - an excellent line, a new take on an old saying.
Don't pack in - keep writing - you've got talent. Experiment a bit with blank (non-rhyming) and free (not conforming to strict meter) verse.
I also like "rusty nails/boss" - rusty nails being a cocktail much loved by the Mafia (Boss). An excellent juxtaposition.
I'll try you with some of my verse when I start writing again.
I say again, don't pack in the poetry, you've got talent.
2007-07-12 09:02:46 · answer #3 · answered by ? 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
right here is the respond I figured could arise so rapid i does not have a huge gamble to assert it: appropriate is subjective. HH have been given at this till now in a question approximately observe determination between "land" and "floor." i'm going to think of "coitus" is a humorous or interesting or completely-paired observe and it could in wonderful condition my poem precisely, in my strategies. you may discover it overly lovable, euphemistic, disgusting, fake-psychological, cliché... possibly even the entire word it truly is in is deletable. So nope, i won't be able to coach you a poem that may not be able to be greater. Edit: and then Dallas beat me to it. :) Edit: Richard B -- i'm new right here so i do no longer fake to study all the currents, yet i think of invoice F have been given a much less-than-toasty reception for a number of motives: itemizing his resumé; referencing a poem and not bothering to submit any area of it; sounding like, as you properly point out, a textbook. those 3 have been turn-offs to me, besides, alongside with the reality that i do no longer help the overriding premise of his answer: That the answer to the preliminary question is "sure."
2016-10-19 04:12:36 · answer #4 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Having read some of the poetry on this site yours was very good.
I say that even tho` I`m an atheist and cannot stand religion which I think is all in the mind.
But you are very open to be rejected by atheists simply because of the reason above.
Good luck with it.
2007-07-12 21:34:24 · answer #5 · answered by Montgomery B 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't like the rhyming scheme so much.Its quite mediocre.Perhaps you should look into and study the works of deeper poets,Sylvia Plath,Elisabeth Bishop etcetera and aim towards wrting at such a level in your poetry.their poems require an analytical mindset though and you have to be insightful,so good luck
2007-07-12 23:56:10 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sorry, this one doesn't quite get it. It's just too sing-song, and there's not a lot of substance (except maybe lines 13-16).
I can't help but laugh at "Jesus was a brave man / He didn't give a toss," though. Cute line.
2007-07-12 08:55:03 · answer #7 · answered by Sir N. Neti 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Dont be a nit-picky HAG, Caroline!
Your Jesus poem rocked, lady!
I have NO complaints
2007-07-12 08:24:13 · answer #8 · answered by The cat 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The rhythm vibrates I think you should make it a song and put it forward for Turkey in the Eurovision song contest.
2007-07-12 07:45:45 · answer #9 · answered by katerschenko 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Very good. I really enjoyed it. Thank you for posting. May Jesus guide and protect you always.
2007-07-12 07:29:03 · answer #10 · answered by Birdman 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Cute poem. I like it. Very original
2007-07-12 07:40:20 · answer #11 · answered by The Dark Prince 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋