Why is it ok for my wife to be bitchy, but I'm supposed to be positive all the time???

Question

Hi all,

I am mainly looking for the female viewpoint on this one...but obviously anyone is welcome to give constructive answers. :-)

I had a period of time where I was pretty negative, and would get in a bad mood easily, like with traffic, stress, whatever. My wife almost left me because of my negativity and constant unhappiness. After that (and for several years now)...I am 100x better than I was, I am almost always in a good, happy, outgoing mood. I'm always helping, laughing, joking, just having fun in general...so times are good. On the other hand... if she is in a pissy mood, gripey, or just plain negative...its all of a sudden "ok"...because she is in a bad mood? What kind of double standard is that? She isnt mad AT me in general...but can be extremely short with me, and in a real wet-blanket mood. (not depression) Why is this cool? I wouldnt leave her because she is like this...but if I try to address her mood constructively, it makes things worse. Help!

Answer 1

It does not seem like it is fair. I know that men and women deal with stress differently. Think back to how you handled the stress compared to how she handles it. Did you come in the house raging mad where she likes to be left alone??? This could be why she does not think it is related. Also, it is possible that she does not want to talk about it because she is feeling guilty and ashamed of herself for not supporting you when you were going through soemthing similar. We are all only human....

Answer 2

Ask yourself what made you change your perspective? Can the same thing happen to her? Maybe she resents the fact that all of a sudden you're happy after years of negativity. What made you happy? She needs to realize that she holds the power to make her life happy. I'm not making excuses for her, but sometimes people just get into a bad mood. Sometimes you just have a bad day. But when this is EVERYDAY, something is wrong. Ask her if there's anything you can do to brighten her day. Get her flowers. Get her the book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. It a great book for any woman even if they think they "got it all together". Not a book to live by, but def has some great ideas and advice.

Answer 3

Man, this sounds so familier, me and my hubby go through the same thing , and it is so wierd, but true, it's like i don't want him to ever be negative or in a bad mood or i get mad but it's ok if i do, so your not alone....thats' just how us woman are, and i'm so trying to change my ways, and thats really the only solution i can come up with for your promblem is to talk to her about this and let her no how your feeling and that this is bothering you and if she loves you enough she'll see it and try changing her ways as well, although it's hard, i mean, i'm trying so hard but maybe she's like me and get's stressed with kids and the house and bills and all that it just makes her moody and grouchy but for some reason we feel that our man can't ever get this way, i don't know if it's hormones or what i can't explain, but this is perfectly normal , us woman are just wierd like this, just talk about it and hope for the best....

Answer 4

No, it is absolutely not okay for her to be that way. It is both of your responsibility to be your best for each other. If she is having depression problems for a long period of time she needs to go see a counselor or if she needs medication a psychiatrist. It's not shameful to go - more people go than those who don't. Tell her she needs to read The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands as well as The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. Whenever I am that way with my husband reading those books turns my attitude right around. You could probably both benefit from reading the Marriage book - lots of great advice and counsel that makes you appreciate your spouse and realize how blessed you are!

Answer 5

I would have to know your wife to make an honest conclusion here. I DO know that women's hormones can make them moody, irritable, up one minute,down another minute. i'm not saying that's what her situation is. Her periods could be part of the cause. Maybe stand back and watch what she gets
upset about ,and see if you can find a common element here. Even though you have gotten rid of your bad moods, there could be something else about you that bothers her. I don't know, I'm just thinking out loud.

Answer 6

Honey is this you?...Is this my husband asking this question..LOL.

Honestly I do the same thing. My husband had a raging temper when I first met him. He is a 100% percent better. He does get mad sometimes but not to the extend as before.

One thing that you have to put in consideration, is PMS. When I am PMS'ing I get very emotional and irritable. This is something that men will never know what it feels like, and need to be considerate about.
If her mooods are like that everyday, then I think she may be taking for granted that you are trying very hard to stay cool, and she could be testing you. I also sometimes do this too, and I know I aint the only female that does that. I think it might also be a power trip. She wants to control your emotions and actions but she can do what she wants....***I am speaking from my experience only, not all women are like this, please don't send me hate e-mails ladies***

BEST ADVICE I COULD GIVE....COMMUNICATION!
and there's no shame in getting marriage therapy. I personally haven't had to go that far, but wouldn't think twice if I had to, to save my marriage.

Answer 7

OK so you went through your periods of moodiness, and now she is. Is there anything going on that is making her feel this way? Although I know you're trying hard, what if you try being more loving (catch more bees with honey?). If that doesnt work, she may need to see someone, get a serious sit-down&-talk with you, what is bothering her so much? It's not a double standard, you went through it, & she dealt with it, now she's going through it, & you're dealing with it ... it's ok to be supportive, at least you care. I went through this, and all I did was switch to low hormone BC, and it helped, but it could also be stress, unresolved issues, and depression. Try going there.

Answer 8

Its not ok, but it happens. Trying to help her only makes her more aware of how she is acting and that upsets her further. I call my husband on my way home from work and warn him. I have to, i dont want him to walk in and not know and then me bite his head off for no reason. The warning works both ways, when he tells me he is in a mood, i try to keep the child quiet and playing in her room or outside and try to do everything i can to make him happy. Sometimes all you need to do is let the other one vent until they feel better.
Good luck

Answer 9

There must be an underlying cause so you have to keep talking to her, even if she is resistant. She probably does not know what is going on either.

I assume you have talked to her about the fact that you know what it is like to feel in a bad mood and be edgy. So, show empathy and sincere interest in supporting her in whatever might be the root. Men like to solve things, but she might just need you to listen to what is bothering her.

Answer 10

There is a difference between a mood, and a personality. Its okay to be grumpy now and then, thats normal. But its not okay to be negative about everything all the time.

Which is your wife and which were you?