He's apparently being very open and answering all my questions; but I just keep having questions. How will I know I can trust him again? He says it's over but it lasted over 6mo. Will he really be able to give it/her up? How do I go about seeking counseling? This is all so unreal. I really want our relationship to survive this. We know many couples who about this time (22-26 years) had similar problems. Can a marriage survive? Anyone been there and made it work?
2007-07-12 06:44:42 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
The marriage can survive, but its going to take a lot of work by both of you. After your initial shock, you should find out why he cheated. Was there something he felt you weren't providing? Did he need a boost to his self-esteem? Did he just need to do some freaky sexual stuff that he didn't want his wife doing?
Once you find that out, then you can get to the root of what caused the behavior. But maybe this is something that needs to be hashed out by a counselor.
People are often lured by the promise of something diofferent. I mean, everyone relishes the days when there was romance and the excitement of a new relationship. But then you have to remember that you made a commitement to another person. And unless you have that person's blessing in your extramarital affair, then you are breaking a vow.
At the same time, you need to understand that your husband is human and will make mistakes. The question is are you strong enough to forgive him and let him regain your trust?
2007-07-12 06:50:35 · answer #1 · answered by Blade_III 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It can work if he's truly sorry for what he did, and NEVER does it again. The trust issue is the real thing. I cannot live in a situation where I will always wonder what a man's doing, who he's with, etc. You have to decide if he's worth the risk or not. Hopefully, he learned something from it. But six months is a long time to "make a mistake". A "mistake" to me is...I did it once...and I feel horrible....not I DID HER FOR SIX MONTHS. Chances are, she found something better, and left him high and dry, and now you are his fall back. I don't mean to hurt you here, because I've been there, done that (not the 22 year thing though), and it hurts worse than anything I've ever experienced, this betrayal, but anyway....
this is your call. If you give him a chance though, you have to really move on...you can't throw it up when he doesn't "do right"...or when the emotions come back and haunt you from it. You most definitely need to seek some counseling. If you have a pastor, go that route, and you won't have to pay out the ying yang. If not, then look up marital counseling in your area. There might also be groups for this in your area, kind of like AA meetings. Good luck, and whatever you do, you need to protect and take care of YOU.
2007-07-12 06:53:02 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
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2007-07-12 07:20:26 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's going to be hard. For trust to happen, it's going to take some major work on his part. He's going to have to prove to you he's changed. That means, he's either going to have to go to counseling or go to church and get God, or do some other major thing to prove himself. Personally, I feel that he owes you some kind of financial settlement for this grief, which must be in the thousands. This money should be your name alone. Another option would be to have him quit claim the deed to the house in your name only. If you do either of these things, have an attorney draw up a contract where he reliquishes his right to ever make any further claims on any assets that are in your name. That way, if this thing marriage goes sour, you will have a financial back up plan and you deserve it after 22 years. The words, "I'm sorry" are not enough. He has created a situation where you are now forced to be looking out for your own best interests. So, a financial settlement is much easier than a divorce where you will receive 1/2 of all his assets plus alimony. If he's willing to do that, you will feel better.
2007-07-12 07:04:26 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
You won't ever be able to trust him again. Every time he leaves the house you'll want to know where he's going, who he'll be with, how long it's going to take, and if anything deviates from that plan you'll accuse him of cheating and he'll say he didn't, but he lied to you for 6 months before so you won't be able to believe him. It's a cycle. The more you accuse him the more likely it is he'll do it again. A relationship can't last without trust. Unless you can completely forgive him and trust him again it won't work. That means you will have to open yourself up to possibly be hurt again. It's VERY hard for anyone to do that. Did he give you a reason why he cheated?
2007-07-12 06:54:12 · answer #5 · answered by daeraelle 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
it depends. it can survive but only if both partners are willing to rebuild the trust. unfortunately this type of thing is likely a symptom of a problem in the marriage. a fling is one thing but a 6 month thing is a relationship and that is much more troubling. i would say that you need to decide for yourself what you need and whether you can trust him again. 22 years is a long time but that doesnt mean that it cant end. if you cant find a way to turst him again your marriage will never survive.
2007-07-12 06:49:32 · answer #6 · answered by asg_is_chillin 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't think counseling will help this situation. Been there, done that. Counseling becomes the "blame game". File for a legal separation until you figure out what you need to do and if you can ever trust him again. Your marriage simply will not work without trust.
2007-07-12 07:04:24 · answer #7 · answered by CrazyLove 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My wife and I made it work after I cheated on her. He's on the right track, answering all your questions -- my wife had about a million for me. I took the attitude that it was me who had hurt her, and that if she wanted to know more information, I was obligated to tell her. I took a strict honesty vow; since I had cheated on her I wanted her to be able at least to believe my words. She kept me on a tight leash for quite awhile, and I felt that she was well within her rights to do so. Make your husband be accountable to you completely for 6 months to a year or so. Given that he is in the wrong, he should accept that you are allowed to read his emails, check his phone, take note of how far he's driven his car, and whatever else you want to intrude into. He should have to earn back your trust by living openly so that you can clearly see that he no longer has anything to hide.
It worked for us and brought my wife to the point where she now trusts me more than before my affair, and rightly so. As a result of the trauma my affair caused in my life, I matured a lot and became a much more trustworthy person. I have my privacy back, of course, but I don't value it as much now that I have nothing to hide. For us, this was about 10 years ago. We have now been married for 21 years. I consider our marriage to be stronger now than it ever was before the affair.
2007-07-12 06:54:45 · answer #8 · answered by Happy-2 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I am sorry to hear this! I don't think this will work once anybody ***** up a marriage it will stay ****** up. Seek what ever you think will help of see a Attorney. He might be open now but you well always have that thought in the back of your mind is he doing it again . The mind woks even when you don't want it to .. Good Luck
2007-07-12 07:05:58 · answer #9 · answered by Tina the cat lover 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Yes it can survive, but it's going to be a long hard road.
There is no trust there and that's hard to gain or get back.
You will always wonder what he's out doing if he's late.
Did you catch him in the act??? If so, then he's just sorry he got caught.
If he came clean and fessed up, then I say there is an honest shot at saving this marriage.
Good luck!
2007-07-12 06:56:37 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋