Husband Who Won't Have Sex?

Question

I asked this question a few days ago - and I was asked to be more specific about details - so here goes:

Yes, I am considered very attractive: 30, petite, dark hair, blue eyes,slim build - and I have a very high sex drive.....

He is also attractive: 31, tall, blond hair, fair skin, nice build.....I'm sure he could have women lining up - in fact, he has them text message him at 2 AM. He also has a very active online life...whenever I walk into the room, he instananeously shuts down all chat windows he has,plus he takes his laptop in with him into the bathroom!

He says he loves me, but he gives me no attention. I get a couple pecks on the mouth every other day, and maybe when we're in public, he'll act more affectionate. I've asked him to go to a doctor as I was concerned (he has never gone), plus we were supposed to go for fertility tests and he refused to go for his....now he works a lot and claims he's just too tired. But this has gone on for almost two years. Now what?

Honestly - for a while I've thought that he's been cheating...I just don't understand why he would in the first place. I do so much for him: I cook, I clean, I do nearly all the housework, plus hold down my own full-time job. I try to give him everything he needs but it's hard because I get nothing in return. Whenever we did have sex, it would last 10 minutes with no foreplay whatsoever - he puts no effort into it, even though I've tried everything: lingerie, role-playing, toys, taking pictures, etc....

I want to go see a marriage counselor and a sex therapist - I've told him that I'm unhappy and that I want to fix things, and when I get "moody" he always asks me what my problem is. But I'm thinking if I ask him to see a marriage counselor, he's going to say he's too busy with work(then I guess there's my answer) and that we'll have to wait.

But I can't wait. I'm already looking for another place to live. And he doesn't know I'm doing that.

And I've confronted him about the cheating thing before - and he denies it. He also goes through my text messages on my phone and goes through my emails. Not that I have anything to hide - my life is an open book.....even if he finds this page and starts reading it - there's nothing I can do to stop him....I'm not computer smart like he is - I'm sure he keeps tabs on everything I do.

All I want is some attention frommy husband and not have to pull teeth to get it!

Answer 1

I hate to say this .... but.... He sounds like he's messing around, hun.
If he wont let you see his "chat " and he spends more time with the computer getting text messages from girls, then he does with you - then thats not a very good sign.

Answer 2

Sweetie, he's cheating on you. Is it so scary to face it you are denying something so obvious?

"in fact, he has them text message him at 2 AM. He also has a very active online life...whenever I walk into the room, he instananeously shuts down all chat windows he has,plus he takes his laptop in with him into the bathroom!"

If he had only had the courage to come up and tell you about it, i'd ask of you to give him a chance, but that man is worthless, and you stop making excuses for him. He is a liar and a cheater and you are an excellent person, so gather up strenght and serve him the divorce papers.

You stay where you are, you are going to keep on getting what you get, nothing! You deserve to be loved and respected. Think about you for this once, and let him go.
I usually try to tell my patients to work on their marriages, IF there's still something to work on. Not your case, hun. Sorry.

Edit: Why the need to fix something if you haven't done anything wrong. Listen to me, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. A person who cheats is a person with no self-esteem, and will try to belittle you and make you feel bad about yourself so he won't have to face his reality.
HE created the problem, not you. If he cared for you and had issues to work on he'd have come to you and told you so. It's his loss, change the page and start a new chapter, give yourself a chance to find a person who loves you.

Answer 3

I dont usually assume this right off the bat, but in your case it really does sound like hes cheating on you, with the computer and with real women. its obvious hes doing something hes not supposed to be doiong on th computer and no married man should be getting text messages from other women let alone at 2 am. Rather than investigating and making him feel like your smothering him, try backing off. Try making yourself look as sexy as you can and dont show him any attention, act like your as happy as can be, and you dont care what he does. Give it some time (a few months or so) and If he doesnt come crawling back then consider how important the marriage is to you. DO you have children? If so then maybe you should seek counseling? It sounds like he doesnt want to have more children with you. If you dont have children yet, then i think you need to move on, life is short so dont waste time with someone that doesnt make you happy.

Answer 4

It seems like your husband has left the marriage and forgot to tell you. I dont understand how you put up with the whole shutting down the windows, and taking his laptop into the bathroom. You need to find out if he's still into the marriage. If he's gone, then you can make a choice to try to get him in, or let him go. I would cut off the internet, he needs, no he HAS to focus on your marriage. Turn off the PC, make sure he rests, no PC time, and how does he explain women having his phone number and texting him at 2 am, Im sorry but I would have shooved that phone.... you dont have to deal with this, just see what's going on, and get him to pay attention and focus.

Answer 5

He's cheating. A man doesn't ignore his wife for two years because he's tired. He's also not interested in havnig a child with you or he wouldn't be skipping out on fertility treatments. He's not going to the doctor because he knows everything works just fine, you know, with that 20 year old girl he met online. Don't waste your time on him and don't let him make you into a fool. You know he's doing it. Women don't just get suspicious over nothing, trust your feelings. You know something isn't right. Don't let him think you're stupid. He thinks you are every time you listen to one of his excuses. I've been through it. It's SO easy for anyone to meet someone online for sex. My adivce is to give him a taste of his own medicine. If he cares about you, he'll be jealous. If he gets mad and wants a divorce, then he was just waiting for you to make a move towards getting out of the relationship. Don't stay in a loveless marriage, don't waste your time on him.

Answer 6

Some men just can't perform naturally. Sounds like he's addicted to internet porn and cyber-sex. That is very different from actual sex one-on-one. This is a serious problem because not only is he addicted, he's keeping a separate secret life away from you. Marriage is about building your lives together, not hiding things. You better seek counseling quickly, or get divorced. You are a person too, you deserve to have a better sex life and married life than you have now. Good luck.

Answer 7

First of all if he has to go to the bathroom to be on his laptop, you have a problem because there should be no secrets between you two since you are married. Secondly, he is disrespectful to show more interest in being online than to you. His heart is more into being online than making you happy and they say that people who's actively online whether it's porno or other online activities get really addicted so it's going to be a hard habit to break so you need to talk to him about showing more affection and satisfying you and to limit his online usage and absolute no hiding in the bathroom when he is on his laptop because that means he has something to hide. Secrecy is a sign of cheating or something vicious and naughty. Good luck!!!

Answer 8

I agree with everyone else: It sounds like he's cheating.

Either in real life, or by carrying on with someone online. But he's not doing it with you, because he's getting his rocks off somewhere else.

Try to get him to sit down and talk to you. Ask him if something's missing between you and him, if there's something he wants that he's not getting from you. Ask him if his computer is more important than you. Ask him, straight up, if he's having an affair.

Be prepared for whatever the answers might be!

.

Answer 9

men do not want to go without sex. They will get it from somewhere. If he does have a sexually problem than he would be finding a way to get to the doctor himself.

I think I would INSIST that he gets help or go to counciling or tell him your concidering walking out the door. A marriage takes work and it sounds like hes not willing to give to this marriage.

It also sounds like you may want and need someone to talk to. maybe consider getting therepy for yourself before he brings your self-esteem down. That can easily happen when you feel "unwanted". good luck to you.

Answer 10

Do you suspect an affair? If he is hiding things from you, you might want to think about it. When I was married the same thing happened to me. Come to find out he was having an "online affair" with some chick in Minnesota. They never met, but did do some really nasty things online. Good Luck to you and stay strong.