Is this excerpt any good?

Question

Im trying to write a book, here is the first ch. of it. Please click on link. However do not type in your comments in the box on that page. Plz come back to this page.

http://urbis.com/media/view/75494/alison

Answer 1

amung-spelled among

Gitty-i think you mean giddy

'“The librarian...'
delete the quotation marks

'The librarian put on another one of those sour faced looks..'
....do you want a period or the 3 dots?

'Slipping the wooden chair under her...'
that doesnt really make sense. was she pulling up the chair and starting to sit in it at the same time or what?

'Oh no, it was already 5:30!'
that doesnt sound very professional (for lack of a better word)

'She sat up hastily; returning the....'
after hastily, it needs to be a comma, not a ;

spelling errors (like: though needs 2 b through)

'She pulled hard on the handle, a burst of cold air made her shiver. She reached in and quickly grabbed the cheese, extinguishing the cold air from penetrating her body.'
1st sentance: a needs to be and, 2nd: change wording or something, i know what you mean, but the wording doesnt reall make sense. out in some thing like, 'she quickly grabbed the cheese and hurriedly closed the door so that the cold wouldnt penetrate he body.' or something like that.

'Opening the pantry she realized it was almost completely bare. A feel of dread overtook her as she realized that this might just be the week the will have to go without food.'
i would change this around 2. combine the sentances or something. ex: 'as she opened the pantry, a cold feeling of dread took her as she saw that the pantry was almost empty, realizing that this might be the week they will have to go without food.'

'preparing the boys meals'
boys needs to be boy's

'Alison’s mother, Linda, was the only one who attempted to support the family. She worked as a counter clerk at the nearby Walgreens, working 12 hours everyday to keep some money in the bank. They barely ever got to see her and so Alison had been given all the household chores, which included making every meal of the day.'
i wouldnt double enter that until the paragraph was over, either that or dont out it in, but i think it needs to be in, just dont double enter until after this paragraph.

'Their dirty blonde hair was disastrous encrusted in muck!'
change around

'What a mess, Alison thought to herself!
change to something like, 'what a mess! alison thought.' with the 'what a mess' in italics or something. the 'to herself' isnt needed, b/c she cant think to anyone else but herself.

“You guys, it’s time to come-in,” no response, so she yelled again, “ Come in she screamed at the top of her lungs”
after 'yelled again', you should put a period and then '"come in!" she screamed at the top of her voice' if your going to keep the 'screamed at the top of her voice' part. if not, its fine how it was.

'grilled cheeses' needs to be 'their grilled cheese'

'Then as if a cartoon character got a light bulb over her head, Alison got an idea.'
i would change that around the wording isnt all that good.

'Third times the charm, Alison scanned the page.'
id change it around to where 'third times the charm' is her thought or something. the wording doesnt seem right how you have it.

'Alison considered it as a possibility as all the other rooms. She carefully circled the room with her felt marker deciding it was worth a look.'
doesnt that need to come after that last sentence with the paragraph on the AV closet?

overall i think your story is good, and it is plenty interesting to me. it sounds kindof like a mystery. is it? i might be wrong, b/c i cant quite tell with just that much to go by. half the time it seems like amystery, the other half it doesnt.
on my story that im writing, i get my english teacher to look over periodically, and that helps me a lot. you might want t try that, itll help you.

is the closet in F? i sound s like a likely place for the closet to be. or is it the AV clubs closet?

Answer 2

I could hardly get past the first paragraph... It was so incredibly boring.

You've got a great story in here, but the way you're telling it is very slow and arduous that I don't want to read past the opening.

This is your beginning:
Alison was the runt in the family; a child born too small and quickly became ill-favored amung the rest. By the time she was fifteen, she was still small and ill favored, but the family figured at least now she could manage the chores of the home.

Booooring! Begin with something happening. I don't like reading about someone unless I've been introduced to them first.

This is how I would write it:
Alison ran her fingers across the spines of the books on the bottom shelf, leaving trails in the thick dust that coated them. She liked the dust of the library because it formed an impassible barrier between her and her family. To them, the presence of dust was sinful, so the library was their hell. It was Alison's duty to purge their house from this sinfulness, despite her diminutive size and her unceasing allergies.

It was her short stature that made her love the books on the bottom shelf, which were always most forgotten and always covered with the most dust. She stopped her fingers... something wasn't right...



I hope that gives you some ideas! Give her a reason for being at the library, for looking at the bottom shelf, or for looking at folklore books. Don't focus on details unless the details are important. Soft carpet = not necessary... age = not necessary yet... angry librarian = not necessary, especially in the middle of the action!

She pulls out this book, which is the most interesting part of the scene, but you keep stopping the story, diverting the reader's attention to allergies, to the librarian, to the girl's nose... then we have to wait for her to sit down and then we waste time reading about her thinking about the secrets inside the book instead of just opening the darn thing!

I think you just need focus. Don't describe feelings, describe what she does. If I read "Something inside of Alison made her shiver." I can guess that she is afraid, so you don't have to waste the next sentence saying "She was about to put the book back, fearful of the secrets it held"

Conversation about getting something to write with? Unnecessary and action-stopping. Differences in the feeling of the chairs? Unnecessary.

Don't include details unless they add to her character or to the story moving forward, and you'll have a MUCH better story on your hands :)

Sorry if I sound mean at all - I just think you have a good story, and I want you to be successful in writing it :)

Answer 3

I teach creative writing at Columbia University. The one suggestion I would make to you is this; spellcheck!!

Other than that it seems to have an upward mobility in the plot and text coordination. The themes seem anchored and plausible and the overall feeling of the work is not forced or contrived. I would trim down the adjectives when you are describing something. Sometimes it's nice to give good, clear descriptions of things, but if you keep doing it, it ends up making your writing seem forced and fluffed up.

Nice job.
This was your best answer.
Love,
Snag

Answer 4

Chantal, for a girl of 14, I must say I am impressed with your efforts. Whether or not a publisher would feel that what you've written is worth publishing, I don't know.

The idea behind your story is fantastic, but I would caution you - be careful how much of your story you give away in the public arena. I'd hate to see someone else take your idea and use it.

Keep writing, you have so much potential.

Answer 5

I like the story idea, i really wanted to read more when i finished.

I agree with some of the points that the poster above me made, Some places were way too detailed and at the wrong time... but all that can be fixed, i always do that when i write, i like to describe things alot.

Good job! and good luck finishing it!!

Answer 6

That is awsome! I wouldn't put anymre on the web though because people might steal it...and that would really stink for you! I would totally read it if it got published! Keep up the good work!

Answer 7

its really good!!!
the only thing is that you should probably check spelling and grammar. and what are those question marks at the ends of the sentences of the "clue" thingy? (about the door, closet, lockers)? oh, and don't put anymore up online, someone might steal it, and that would be horrible.
=)

Answer 8

wow. thats really good. it could use some editing, as some parts are a little rough. however, its that ever got published i would buy a copy.
keep writing!

Answer 9

I HEART it! let me know when you write it all, id love to read it!