Does marriage counseling help a crashing relationship?

Question

My wife and I are going through some troubles in our relationship. We don't really fight at all in our marriage, but a few little problems came at once and we couldn't handle it like normal couples. Now we talk about divorce a lot, but I don't want that to be an option. We have been married for 5 years, we have 2 beautiful kids and we are both only 24 years old. I know couples go through really tough times together, but since we are not really used to problems.

Wondering if someone tried marriage counseling. I heard it was a lot of money and I don't have any money, but I am willing to work 2 jobs to pay for it if it will make us stronger and better.

Answer 1

my husband and i have been together for 5 years and we've had our share of horrible arguments, and counseling saved our marriage. so im sure it will work wonders for your marriage, dont be so quick to spit the word divorce out, or your wife for that matter, its not that serious. unless your willing to seriously pack your crap and move out of there then those are just hurtful words. i think you should see a counselor and they can teach you how to fight fair. like giving each other to say they're side of the argument without interuppting the other person as he/she speaks. take a time out when your mad instead of blowing up on that person you should take a time out and just think before you speak. it worked wonders for us, sounds silly if you think about it, but sometimes many couples act childish! good luck to you.

Answer 2

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Answer 3

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Answer 4

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You've got two questions here. First is the thought about a 3rd party relationship coach. Tell me something (rhetorically) - is it easier to look at someone else's life and see where they might have been making things worse and making choices that hurt rather than helped the situation, or is it easier to see where you are doing those things? I say it's easier for someone else - anyone else - to have a more impartial view of two people's interaction than those two actually involved in it. There's no direct involvement or ego attachment to the actions or emotions of the interactions. Now, when you have a relationship coach, someone who has been trained to help a couple figure out their own issues, someone who has no loyalties to either person in the relationship, that person can help the most in actually helping a couple find their own solutions. The counselor isn't there to say "you are wrong, you are right, etc" - they aren't there to assign blame or take sides. They are there to fix the 'dance' - as far as each person is willing to fix that dance. Imagine two people dancing to the music of their relationship. They step on each other's feet. They give confusing leads or no leads at all. They can't follow and crash into the other person. They can barely keep rhythm, let alone move together. The therapist is there as a dance coach, to help them regain their own internal rhythms, then be able to interact with each other in their dance. The couple chooses their music, their dance, their own level of intimacy (intricacy of steps). The therapist lets them know what will help them - what makes the dance flow better, and what will not. Most marriage counseling fails because one or both people want to be 'right' and cannot let go of their own part of the dance. They want the therapist to say to the other person "if you would just dance like this other person is dancing . . . " They are not willing to give up their ego position and change some fundamental parts of how they dance to meet their partner in making the dance work. It's the same reason why most child therapy fails. The child starts to change, and then the family must change around them to meet the new steps that the child is learning in therapy. The family does not want to change and becomes anxious/angry/fearful of the change and makes the decision to end therapy rather than actually facing a dynamic change to the whole way the family 'dances' with each other. You can make the choice of 'whatever happens between the two should stay between the two' - as long as you realize that you can never see outside of your own problems in the dance. However, if you think that 'working things out' like that will really get to the root of the problems and improve the dance of the relationship, then I personally wouldn't give much hope to the relationship surviving - unless the two cling to the familiar dysfunctional clashing dance rather than face the scary unknown of dancing solo.

Answer 5

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RE:
Does marriage counseling help a crashing relationship?
My wife and I are going through some troubles in our relationship. We don't really fight at all in our marriage, but a few little problems came at once and we couldn't handle it like normal couples. Now we talk about divorce a lot, but I don't want that to be an option. We have been...

Answer 6

Hi --

It's a great thing you are considering getting help with your problems.

First off, there are mental health clinics which charge fees on a sliding scale, according to your income. Many states have grants which can be applied for to help pay for this sort of service. You can check with your county and see if they have a mental health clinic - many do. Otherwise, some private clinics offer reduced fees, too.

That being said, YES... if both partners are willing to work on the problems, and take the advice of a therapist, good changes can occur. You will likely learn what the "roots" of your issues are, how to communicate better, and how to compromise and even agree to disagree.

You seem like a sensible guy, and i'm proud of you for wanting to expend the effort to make things work.

take care.... sending hugs

Answer 7

Before you decide to see a councilor, try to talk to your wife first. See where the problem came from,how the problem started and how the two of you can solve it without anyone being offended. Yes there are some councilor that can help couples that's having a problem,but they will also ask you if the two of you is communicating to each others. Do your best first before you decide to give your money away.
For examples, my husband had an affair, I discovered it,and he told me that it was I that push him and shut him out, so he beg me to see a councilor with him, we pay $175.00 an hour and I was against it because I know that his going to regret what he will find out. So we did, the councilor didn't help to why he had an affair with a married woman and he found out that it was him that did the pushing and shutting me out. So over all it didn't help us,instead of him making time to talk of what's going on,he asked for a 3rd person to listen. Now he lost a lot, me and my kids because of his ego....

Answer 8

I think the will of both parties to resolve the problems and the willingness to stay together is what really helps.
If those do not exist, no amount of counseling will help.

Just remember, neither of you will get it their way, both of you have to give a little so both of you can gain a lot.

Good Luck.

Answer 9

I am working on my degree in marriage and family therapy. I know it works. If you have insurance look for a place that accepts yours. If you do not sometimes smaller places will have a sliding fee depending on what you make. Call around and see. Usually Christian counseling centers are cheaper though and they tend to not be as "out there" with their philosophys.

Answer 10

You're a keeper, if you are willing to go with your wife and seek counceling to better your marriage, then yes it will help. Thing is most the time counceling won't help couples who aren't both in it to work on the problems. So if you're willing and she is willing then you might be surprised at how much better your relationship can become.