unhappy newlyweds- wait or divorce?

Question

I've dated lots of men. My ex-fiance and I had a 3-year relationship. I missed him so much. I learned that if I had been more patient, it would have worked out.

Then I hooked up with an old flame. We were best friends, we could talk about anything, and he adored me. I broke up with him because I wanted to marry someone from my native country and someone with more drive.

Then I started dating my husband. We dated 3 months. (We had known eachother about a year before we dated.) He popped the question. I said yes. We had an awesome wedding.

I cannot talk to him. He has limited inter- and intra-personal skills. I'm not attracted to him physically because we don't have a mental connection.

We went to therapy once. He doesn't want to go back.

I married an educated, stable, and tall man, but he doesn't have the inner qualities that I need to make me happy. If I'm more patient and ___ will it work out or should I cut my losses now?

I married him because he had the qualities I looked for, and I wanted the family lifestyle. I also married him because I didn't think I needed to have the girl-ish crush in-love feelings for a relationship to work. After the break-up with my ex-fiance I didn't beleive in that love was enough. I didn't listen to all the pp that told me "all you need is love". I now appreciate him. Maybe I love him. But I'm not in-love.

Again, I think feelings are fleeting and undependable. Thoughts and words and commitments are more dependable.

When we started argueing, he constantly said he wanted a divorce. I asked him to stop saying that because we will work through this marriage.

I didn't mean to criticize him. I understand that I am imperfect also. It's just that I'm social and enjoy active conversations, but we don't have good exchanges. We don't have deep meaningful conversations.

I'm generally more attracted to brains and a good conversation then good looks

I made a mistake. I married too quickly and all for the wrong reasons. Although we are both grad-school educated, we know nothing about love. Although I'm more communicative, he's more steadfast.
My question is- Do I continue to commit to my marriage and try to make it work despite our shaky foundation
OR
do I take some time to myself- live alone and not rush into any more relationships...for a ery long time. (I've lived with my parents my almost my whole life, minus college. I was living with them until we got married. Then I move into his house.) If it this relationship works out during my time alone then I'll take it. I won't see anyone else.

Answer 1

So, who told you that marriage was all about YOUR personal happiness? That's completely selfish on your part - you're totally slamming your guy - but you haven't even looked at your own faults which are equal to his or worse. You have no idea what true love is. Start working on YOUR issues and stop worrying about his. True love is about sacrifice, honor and respect - even when it doesn't seem to be coming back your way - even when it's hard - if learning the meaning of true love means nothing to you - divorce now. If you want to learn what it really means - discover your own issues and learn how to be a positive life giving person to this man you said you loved - rather than sucking the life out of him with your criticism and complaints. He probably is having relational issues with you because of your criticism, complaints and he probably knows you're considering divorce - that just really hurts a guy's ego in a way you can't imagine - of course he doesn't want to go to counseling. Why should he bother to work on something when you're not working on it and you're not giving it a chance. If you start to love him - he will turn around - but quit with the ultimatums - and go back to looking at this as a lifetime commitment where you are supposed to learn to love this guy - not just worry about your personal satisfaction.

Answer 2

An "awesome wedding" does not a good marriage make. I still don't understand why you married him. He has limited personal skills and you're not attracted to him...and the two of you don't have anything in common.

Go ahead and end it. There's no shame in admitting you made a mistake and there's a good chance that Mr. Right is out there somewhere looking for a girl like you.

Life is too short to be stuck in a bad marriage.

Answer 3

If you didn't have a mental connection then why did you marry? Marriage is not a game. People get hurt, sometimes for life because some immature person doesn't know how to live. You are married now, be mature enough to try and make it work. If you can't, you don't deserve to marry anyone! Remember, marriage is for adults, not for wannabe's and it is very serious.

Answer 4

You married him because you were looking for a fantasy and you figured he fit the bill. Your problem is that you expect your spouse to "make you happy" No one has that responsiblity except yourself. If YOU are unhappy in your life don't expect someone else to fix your life. That is up to you do to and getting married because of a fantasy isn't going to fix anything. It is quite clear that you are not mature enough for a committment such as marriage and you need to grow up some more, a lot more. You don't even want to take responsiblity for the problem at hand, you are blaming him for the choices that YOU made. Grow up.

Answer 5

unfortunately qualities which your husband has will not change and if you can not talk to the man or find him eye pleasing you have to end it. I think you married him just to settle down and say your married where as you should have tried to contact your first fiancee and see if you can make amends if not get back on the dating horse and find that man that is from your home country, educated, extrovert, stable guy and do not settle for anything less.

good luck on your search

Answer 6

You seem to have a problem understanding what you want but you want it now. You also never seem to be happy with what you have and wanting something better when a good thing is usaully best when you get it. Perfect is bad when you never get it (and you never will for it does not exist) for it makes you miserable. You also seem to be unhappy with yourself and expect to find that perfect man to fix that for you instead of figuring out how to confront and figure out what is making you feel this way

Please understand and reflect on all this before you make your next move.

Answer 7

I don't know. This is why people should not get married after only dating each other for 3 months. Bad, Bad, Bad. Date for at least a year, then get engaged. Have a year long engagment.

I don't know why you would bring on yourself like this?

Answer 8

You aren't happy... so why suffer more? Truly think about what you want... listen to your heart it knows best. Yes its gonna be hard but if you are not in love why stay in a relationship when you know there is better out there? Good Luck! =)

Answer 9

Honestly, I doubt anyone else will ever want you other than your current husband. So stay with him as much as he can handle and consider yourself lucky. Sorry, I didn't mean to offend your feelings. Just wanted to say something before you do anything stupid again.

Answer 10

Work it out with him.

Read marriage books, go to marriage conferences and seminars (Family Life has a good one), go to counseling (just you if he refuses to come).

You need to change you...you need to work to put him first...this will actually free him up to find ways to make you happy, too.

Don't give up. Marriage is what you make it.
SG