My Lastest Poem - "Lovers Locked"? Please comment?

Question

It is a little sketchy, just a draft... but it's the story of my first love.



As we emerged from under water,
which was oh so warm,
You caressed me gently,
“Forever yours,” you swore.

I gazed into you sapphire eyes,
My heart beating with lust,
You and I were all that mattered,
The entire world was us.

You kissed my lips so softly,
The lake consuming us,
I wrapped myself around you,
Perfect bliss and trust.

I only had eyes for you,
And I was all you saw,
No matter what life threw at us,
It could never close our door.

I’d die for you and you for me,
As we swam around together,
Locked in everlasting love,
This love could not be severed.

As years went by you came and went,
But our bond was everlasting,
Each time we spoke or just locked eyes,
We knew this feeling was not passing.

I was your first and you were mine,
We were each others only,
Until the day we drifted apart,
Since then I’ve been so lonely.

I lost my friend, my one true love,
No other can compare,
No matter how rich or handsome they were,
It was never like what we shared.

Today you have a girlfriend,
And my love boats run a dock,
But when we pass by in the street,
Our lover’s eyes are locked!

Perhaps one day we will stop this,
Playing games with fate,
Pretending there is nothing there,
We shouldn’t have to wait.

But when we were so young,
Making love in waters so blue,
Nothing was this complex,
Life’s issues never peeked through.

And when life dealt you that cruel blow
For your life I prayed,
One of your eyes now could not see,
But my image would always stay.

Even now our times have changed some
In this, life’s big game,
I don’t care that you’re missing a leg,
I love you all the same.

This love shall not be tarnished,
This love shall not be swayed,
For I know that when time is right,
I will be with you for all my days.

Answer 1

It's good that you realize it's a bit sketchy. You have a good initial draft, now you have to go back and do the editing part. Even your first stanza needs work to even out the feet:

As we emerged from under water,
which was so very warm,
You caressed me, oh, so gently,
“Forever yours,” you swore.

and the second...

I gazed into your sapphire eyes,
My heart beating youthful lust,
You and I were all that mattered,
The entire world was us.

and so on...and since you started with slant rhyme, you should maintain the pattern, or you'll just appear sloppy. If you don't want to set that pattern, then rewrite the beginning stanzas. Pick a form and stick with it.

Finally, shorten the poem up...a bunch. You have a good way with words, so let them work for you...don't be repetative, condense your thoughts into a single poem. If you have to thoughts, write two poems. The beginning of your poem goes in one direction, the second part goes in a different one...so make them two separate poems if you'd like. Putting two different directions in a poem diffuses the poem, and poems should have focus.
Keep writing, you've got potential and you are honest enough with yourself to realize you need revision.

Answer 2

Hello Kira, I think this is a good initial draft. You have a good start going here. There are some lines and stanzas that really work, while there are some that you will likely trim on rewrite.

I think your opening is the strongest part of the piece. I loved this stanza:

I gazed into you sapphire eyes,
My heart beating with lust,
You and I were all that mattered,
The entire world was us.

The entire world was us, being locked into each other's gaze no matter how much time has passed (written later). I think you've really captured the obsessive quality of first love, and I don't mean that in a bad way--I'm speaking more to the initial rush, and the enduring quality regardless of circumstances.

There were three stanzas that I think you need to look at on rewrite:

Perhaps one day we will stop this,
Playing games with fate,
Pretending there is nothing there,
We shouldn’t have to wait.

This felt jarring when I read it. It pulled me out of the poem. It is probably the thoughts expressed in the second and fourth line (give it a look and see what you think).

The leg and eye stanzas felt weaker to me than the rest of the poem and could probably be reworked.

That was really it. This a good first draft. It was a very pretty read, and I did like it. Do what you want with the critique. I hope in some way it helps (if only by giving you reader feedback).

Thanks for writing. Take care.

Answer 3

It was great inthe beginning but it went down for me, became a little repetitive, and i think the last couple of stanza's raw emotion could be explicated in a simple stanze or two. Again, rhyme at the beginning was just enough to give it a flow but not enough for me to notice that there was a rhyme, which is perfect. but then the words started losing value in order to fit your rhyme and that lost some of the sincerity of the poem. I like the feeling, it's different from most lovey sappy dappy poems, but maybe just tweak it a little, if you like.

Answer 4

Hi Kira,
Good one...
I like the way you started the poem...

but as you came down words are not very touchy specifically form ;

I was your first and you were mine,
We were each others only,
Until the day we drifted apart,
Since then I’ve been so lonely

Friendly advice that try to change the phrases with selective words that would be more effective...

Answer 5

There are countless "Lover's Leaps," however the single i'm maximum conscious of and have seen from countless distinctive angles is the single on the island of Guam. The cliff is seven hundred ft extreme and that i think the backside of it truly is water. The legends approximately it possible precede the Spanish colonial days and are of community Chamorro beginning. (Guam, for everybody who does not already recognize this, is an unincorporated territory of the U. S.. it truly is an component of the grouping of islands regular as "Micronesia.") Your poem is particularly akin to that legend and that place, different than your fans' bounce seems to have stable floor at its base. stable poem. i admire the pass of innovations and that i admire the word image you paint, even whether it truly is unquestionably one of dying and destruction.

Answer 6

good rythm.
at first there was somewhat a rhyme scheme...but then that kind of faded for a while. maybe you can fix it to rhyme a little more in the middle, just so it fits more.
i like it, though.
keep writing.
-vanessa

Answer 7

I usually don't read poetry. But this is different, i LOVED it! This is the first time ever i read poetry and felt that it was more then good! You should post this on your blog!

Good Job!

Answer 8

KIRA, YOUR HOT, HONEY!!! YOUR POETRY IS WORTHY OF PUBLICATION & YOU SHOULD REALLY BE ABLE TO MAKE A FINE LIVING OFF YOUR WORK!!! I TRULY HOPE THAT SOMEONE WHO REALLY MATTERS & THAT CAN REALLY GIVE YOU SOME HELP IN GETTING YOUR WORK PUBLISHED IS ABLE TO ENJOY YOUR WRITINGS AS MUCH AS I HAVE!!!!!! KEEP WRITING , BABY, ITS WHAT YOU SERE BORN TO DO!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 9

that's absolutely beautiful, hon :)

kudos kudos kudos!

Answer 10

PHWOOOAHHHHHRRRR!!!!!!!!!......

I got a woodie just reading it!

That bastard does NOT deserve you. That stupid stupid man.