Redited My Paper! PLEASE I NEED FEED BACK DUE TOMMOROW?

Question

This generation revolves around materialistic objects. On numerous occasions, individuals claim that they simply cannot function without items such as their brand name clothing, cars, phone, mp3 player, etc. As human’s we have the urge or desire to purchase what we feel to be valuable is connected to the idea that it makes us feel complete. A great example that showcases this would be skateboarding. While skateboarding is known to be one of the most dangerous, difficult and rewarding sport that exists many people, specifically adolescents think of it as a fashion statement.
The reason why many adolescent think about it as a fashion statement is because they think that they are representing a certain category. But the funny thing is that you can tell when someone is passionate about Skateboarding and when they’re not. Many people think that just by kids carrying a skateboard there considered skaters. That’s not true though. There are many things to look for when you are trying to see what the person thinks of themselves or they want people to think. For instance you can see the way they put their pants, shoes, shirts and the way they carry their board. If you see a guy with a board and he’s wearing DCTM shoes and a VolcomTM shirt then you know what the person is into. They are obviously into all the novice skaters, and they have barely started skating. Another evidence would be the way they carry their board, if they are holding the trucks and the board is facing the long side then the person that is carrying it doesn’t know anything about skateboarding. But if they are carrying their board to the side and not holding the trucks then they know their stuff. It’s something to look for when you are trying to determine a REAL skater.

Answer 1

This generation revolves around materialistic objects. On numerous occasions, individuals claim that they simply cannot function without items such as their brand name clothing, cars, phone, mp3 player, etc. As humans we have the urge or desire to purchase what we feel to be valuable is connected to the idea that it makes us feel complete.
A great example that showcases this would be skateboarding. While skateboarding is known to be one of the most dangerous, difficult yet rewarding sport that exists, many people, specifically adolescents think of it as a fashion statement.
Adolescents regard it as a fashion statement because they think they are representing a certain category. The funny thing is that you can tell when someone is passionate about Skateboarding. Many people think that just by kids carrying a skateboard there considered skaters. That’s not true.
There are many things to look for when you are trying to see what the person thinks of themselves or they want people to think. For instance you can see the way they wear their pants, shoes, shirts and the way they carry their board. If you see a guy with a board and he’s wearing DCTM shoes and a VolcomTM shirt, you know they are into the novice skaters, and they have barely started skating. Another evidence would be the way they carry their board. If they are holding the trucks and the board is facing the long side then the person that is carrying it doesn’t know anything about skateboarding. But if they are carrying their board to the side and not holding the trucks then they know their stuff. It’s something to look for when you are trying to determine a REAL skater.


you somehow need to tie in the end paragraph as a conclusion referring somewhat back to the beginning paragraph. the 1st paragraph is an opening, the middle ones to explain, the end one should sumerize and kind of circle back to be complete..good start...

Answer 2

This generation revolves around materialistic objects. On numerous occasions, individuals claim that they simply cannot function without items: their brand name clothing, cars, phone, mp3 player, etc. As human’s we have the urge or desire to purchase what we feel to be valuable is connected to the idea that it makes us feel complete. A great example that showcases this would be skateboarding. While skateboarding is known to be one of the most dangerous, difficult, and rewarding sport that exists many people; adolescents think of it as a fashion statement.
The reason why many adolescent think about it as a fashion statement is because they think that they are representing a certain category. But the funny thing is that you can tell when someone is passionate about skateboarding and when they’re not. Many people think that just by kids carrying a skateboard, they're considered skaters. That’s not true though! There are many things to look for when you are trying to see what the person thinks of themselves or they want people to think. For instance you can see the way they put on their pants, shoes, shirts and how they carry their board. If you see a guy with a board and he’s wearing DCTM shoes and a VolcomTM shirt, then you know what the person is into. They are obviously into all the novice skaters and are beginners. Another evidence would be the way they carry their board. If they are holding the trucks and the board is facing the long side, then the person that is carrying it doesn’t know anything about skateboarding. If they are carrying their board to the side and not holding the trucks, then they know their stuff. It’s something to look for when you are trying to determine a REAL skater.

Notice the editing I used, hope it helps!

Answer 3

You have forgotten a few apostrophes (to show possession), and I changed "human s" to "humans" because it is plural, not a possessive word. I have also cut out some words because they basically repeat themselves and are not needed. I have also reduced the size of some "run-on" sentences. My version is this:

This generation revolves around materialistic objects. On numerous occasions, individuals claim they simply cannot function without certain items such as their brand-name clothes, cars, phones, mp3 players, etc. As humans, we have the urge or desire to purchase what we consider to be valuable because it makes us feel complete. A great example of this is skateboarding. While it is known to be one of the most dangerous, difficult, and yet rewarding sports today, many people--especially adolescents--think of it as a fashion statement. Their reasoning is because they feel they represent a certain group or category. You can always tell when someone is passionate about skateboarding and when they are not. Merely seeing kids carrying a skateboard doesn't necessarily make them skaters.
How a person thinks of himself or how he wants others to think of him is seen by the way he dresses or the way he carries his. board. For instance, if a guy is wearing DC (tm) shoes and a Volcom (tm) shirt, and looks awkward carrying his board, he is no doubt a novice skater who has barely gotten interested in the sport.
Another example is how the person carries his board. If it is carried by the trucks with the board facing the long side, the person doesn't know anything about skateboarding. However, if the person carries it to the side without holding the trucks, he knows what it is all about. It is something to look for when trying to determine a REAL skater.

Answer 4

"as human's" < as humans
The rest of that sentence is confusing as well.

"A great example that showcases this" < make this into a sentence where either example or showcase is made into an adjective, i.e "an exemplary showcase is skateboarding." Try a thesaurus... I don't like the sentence i just gave you, either.

"most dangerous, difficult and rewarding"
"The reason why adolescent..."
"but the funny thing is" add a comma after this.

"just by kids carrying a skateboard, /they're/ considered skaters." << try: just by carrying a skateboard, one is considered a skater.

For instance... add a comma there. "for instance, you can see..." ... try: see by the way they put on their pants... Or just take that out and fix it.

You also need a concluding statement about why you wrote the thing.

Answer 5

pretty good. a few grammar errors -- check your apostrophes and plurals, and "there" should be "they are" in one spot.

The sentence beginning "many people think" is ambiguous -- is it the kids that think that, or onlookers?

It needs a stronger (longer than one sentence) ending - you should try to clarify the theme that to outsiders everyone who carries a skateboard looks alike, but to the fine-tuned eye the pretenders are easy to spot.

"They are obviously into all the novice skaters" doesn't make sense.

Still and all, pretty good and informative.