the last laugh
as the pain spreads throughout my body
my only thought is of you
you did this to me
i hope one day she does this to you too
what makes her so much better
so that you leave me behind
dying inside to a point of reality
she is as horrible as you one day you will find
i am trapped in this world of sorrow
for my hopes are gone
there is no point of living for tomorrow
i guess i will say goodbye
as i watch down on you
the same pain i felt is now yours
you now see the reality of it all
i am the last to laugh of course
oh yes the last laugh is mine
by Audrey O
do you like it?
2007-07-11 14:08:19 · 12 answers · asked by Audrey♥ 2 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
It was pretty good. You switched the focus around a little -- you, him, her. Maybe focus on just one. That's it. Nothing major.
2007-07-11 14:28:03 · answer #1 · answered by Ronnie 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Unfortunately, no, I don't. If you want people to tell you what you want to hear, keep posting poetry on Yahoo Answers asking others what they think. If you want honesty, then listen to what you may not want to hear.
First of all, there are many technical flaws with your poem in the style you chose. However, the technical flaws are minor compared to the subject of your poem: suicide as revenge.
Do you have any idea how commonplace that has become...or how "dangerous"? My son's girlfriend figured she'd "show him" by blowing her brains out in her bathroom. Her parents will never recover, but my son's moved on with his life...so no, she's not up in heaven looking down with the last laugh, if her religion was right, she never went "up" and she certainly didn't have the last laugh, nor did she leave a boyfriend that will forever grieve...just a mess in the bathroom and two parents who'll never be the same. So, find a new topic, okay?
2007-07-12 20:18:07 · answer #2 · answered by Kevin S 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Audrey, there is nothing here I can recommend. What you have done is to tell a story. But it's not even a real story, because you can't kill yourself and then post on Yahoo! Answers. You can't have it both ways. There is no "last laugh" even though that's what you think/post. I try to encourage writers or not respond at all, but I've seen some of your other work and I really think you got off the track with this one. You need to recover yourself and move on.
2007-07-15 14:08:21 · answer #3 · answered by margot 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Uncomfortably dark! Your "rhyming" is not consistent i.e. in the first stanzas you rhyme the 2nd and 4th lines; in following stanzas your rhyme the 1st and 3rd lines which tends to make it sound "choppy" while in the final stanza nothing rhymes. Biggest problem is the "meter" is not consistent--it does not flow smoothly as you read it!
2007-07-11 16:17:50 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
it has a good base, but you need to clean up the language a bit. ie, delete the "so" in stanza 2, say "for all my hopes are gone", in general, find for sophisticated ways of saying things and work hard to keep the to a rhythm. whos the jerk that left you?
2007-07-11 14:21:43 · answer #5 · answered by littlefurball22 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I thought it was really good! you did a great job with the rhyming. <3
2007-07-11 14:36:59 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's sad. You did well because you managed to transfer what you felt when you wrote the poem to the readers.
Keep it up.
2007-07-11 15:55:13 · answer #7 · answered by Ms Ghost 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Good rhyming job! Keep up thte good work.
2007-07-11 14:16:16 · answer #8 · answered by Mandy 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i really like it good job! but the last part in the second stanza needs rewording. :) i dont really understand it. :)
2007-07-11 14:46:22 · answer #9 · answered by xoxo 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
good flow and rhyme
meaning full i can relate
keep it up
2007-07-11 14:52:42 · answer #10 · answered by _xoxolifeisxoxo_ 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋