I think my sister's husband treat her badly...?

Question

Sometimes he's really mean to her and say really innapropriate things, infront of me and my parents, and perhaps infront of other people too..So I wonder what he could do .. or say to her when they're alone...They don't really come here much either (I still live with my parents, I'm only 17 and she's 34) and they used to come here a lot. She seems down sometimes too. Am I right to be worried? My parents are worried too, what is there to do? Btw they have 2 kids, 6 and 4 years old

They're together since she's 18 years old, in case that matters.

Answer 1

This is an issue I am passionate about. Do something! Your sister is in psychological and physical danger, and needs your help now. Like many battered women, she may not reach out for help until it's too late. Don't wait for her to ask---she may not even know how. Be a good sister and do everything and anything you can to get her out of this abusive situation, from creating an intervention with family members, to taking her to a battered women's support group, to getting friends of her husband's to confront him---whatever it takes.

Imagine your sister is drowning, whether she's aware of it or not. Grab hold of her and pull with everything you have. So what if she gets angry at first. So what if she flails in her denial for a while. What's important is that you do all you can to get her out of the water before it's too late.

Answer 2

I kinda lucked out having grown up with three younger sisters. I could see all the things their bf's would do that would tick them off and that gave me a lot of insight into guys. Much more than being a guy and hanging out with guys, although that was helpful and insightful too. My one sister was dating this guy, it went on for over two years and I remember her saying once, 'I wonder how long he can keep up the good guy routine before he finally shows his true colors'. That's just a point of curiosity. Your guy has a number of issues, first and foremost, you are his wife, and he needs to develop a spine and become a man about it. esp. when it comes to taking sides and allowing his 'Mommy' to treat you like this. In fact, it sounds to me like they ganged up on you for some reason. I'm sure they can justify that, and speaking bad about your Mom in a wheelchair. Mature people don't do these things. It's easy to jump on the bandwagon where everyone says things like dump him, divorce his *** and all that, it's nothing you don't know anyways so it makes no sense to state the obvious other than make a suggestion about marriage counselling. The big problem here is also divided loyalties between him, his family and his 'real' family, being you and his daughter. Until he stops allowing them to interfere with your marriage, this will not change. IMO women don't get 'fat' after childbirth, they become more lovable ;-) but he's too stuck in the muck to see that. See about counselling, and hopefully that will help. If not, then you may need to re-evaluate your living arrangements.

Answer 3

Dear Butterfly,

You could talk to your sister privately... and just listen. Let her know that your parents are concerned about how her husband treats her, but don't offer advice. I know it will be hard, but since she is 34 and you are only 17, she might not take your advice too well. The last thing that you want is to cause her more grief. Do tell her that you and your parents will do all you can to help her with this situation. I really don't think it would be out of line for your father to ask your brother-in-law if he has listened to himself when he talks to your sister. Tell him that he sounds so abusive and your Dad is wondering if he realizes how it sounds to others. Perhaps he would get the hint that he is over the line.

If you decide to remain silent with the guy, let your sister know that she can always come home and get help. She doesn't need to put up with his abuse. Families always stick together in a crisis. Hugs to all of you, I hope you get some answers and help. It's awful to feel so helpless, isn't it?

Answer 4

Yes, I'd be worried too. That is really too bad he is like that to her. He sounds abusive and that is very hard to live with and it is probably depressing her. It is hard when you have children as it is not so easy to just pick up and leave your spouse. If your parents are worried, maybe your mom should approach your sister in private and ask her if everything is okay and offer support for her. She may be isolating herself from family because she doesn't want you or your parents to see how bad he is. But I would bet that she could really use some help in dealing with this situation. Your mom should let her know that if things ever get so bad that she wants to leave with the kids, that she has a place to go. That way, she won't feel trapped if she really wants to leave him.

Answer 5

What you're seeing is just the tip of the iceberg.
But again, this might not be the real picture. Talk to your sister and find out what the real score is. It's possible that your brother in law don't like to go to your place, so he's acting that way.
You said "perhaps infront of other people" You should not conclude unless you really saw it.
How about visiting them in their home and stay there over the weekend. You might see a surprise of your life. They're sweet afterall.

Answer 6

your sister could be one of many girls who get into a fast relationship at a young age and that gives some men the power to control there woman. There are prob some reasons why shes still with him, but i bet you theres TONS more reasons not to be with him! you should make a list or write a letter and next time you see her give it to her and tell her to read it at a more appropraite time. tell her how you feel and your parents and dont tell her what to do, just let her no that if she ever needs anything, or any help to just call and you can be right there. (now when writing the list or letter make sure that you sound as your the older sister instead of the younger so that she does take you seriuosly. Good Luck!

Answer 7

Your sister is a victim of verbal and emotional abuse...and most likely physical abuse too. It's probably not a good environment for the kids either. Have your parents talked to your sister? Is there ever any alone time with your sister when they visit? Since your parents are worried, I think they should intervene before the situation gets out of control. Your sister could be suffering from a form of low self-esteem and/or be blaming herself and that's why she puts up with her husband's abuse. I think your parents should open your house for your sister and the kids for awhile until her husband gets help.

Answer 8

Well, sweetie, they are adults and there really isn't anything anyone could do to change their life if they don't see it or want it. You can feel for her but there is nothing you can do. The best you can do is rally around her when she needs it. Unfortunately lots of women choose badly and then can't find their way out of their situations but a 17 year old sister or even an older wiser mother and father can't fix it. It's like an addiction. She has to finally realize this isn't the way she wants to live before a change will be made. Support her every way you can and listen if she wants to talk. That's the best you and your family can do.

Answer 9

yes you are right to be worried. first off search the net for signs of abuse and see what tips are out their for the loved ones of those being abused.

call your sister. and call her often. visit unexpectedly. do any- and everything to get to the bottom of it.

you can start out by asking her out to lunch, just the two of you. you could even play that baby sis position and remind her that as the older sibling she could treat you to lunch. (smile)

your parents could watch the kids for a few hours if she gets concerned about a sitter.

then look her square in the eyes and ask her how she is, how is home, how is he treating her. let her know that YOU have been noticing things. dont mention your parents because it will put her more on the defense.

if she denies it, tell her that you know she is lying. if she continues to deny it, tell her if she doesnt come clean you're going to ask the parents if they noticed anything.

**yes scare her into telling you the truth** ***and dont sugar-coat anything*** go straight to it.

let her know that you will hound her until she talks.

sidebar:***and i am not sure how bold or timid you are but i would poke that coward brother-in-law of yours in the chest and tell him he'd better watch himself when it comes to your sister and those kids.***

do whatever it takes. verbal abuse can be the start of OR a sign of physical abuse.

i have two sisters of my own and i had to put one of their boyfriends on point when i heard he mistreated her. my sister was mad as hell at me, but at least his sorry a ss knew that i knew what he did. and fortunately for him it didnt happen again.

i love my sisters and i would do it again and again if it ever came to that... and again dammit!

i know you love your sister or else you would not have come here with this question. do everything you can for her well being.

and prayer never hurts either.

Answer 10

Sounds an awful lot like my life a few years ago....Everyone was worried about me b/c my then husband treated me so poorly. I was depressed and had "lost myself," but I was loyal to him and was brainwashed into thinking nothing was wrong. After a public incident in front of my whole family (I was squatted down in front of our daughter's stroller at a parade and he kicked my butt), my parents confronted him/us about it. I defended him intensely and even threatened to cut my parents out of my life. Fast forward four years, and I finally divorced him. My point is this...unless she sees it (and is ready to admit and do something about it) she will only resent you saying something. I know its tough to watch, but you will only alienate your sister if you push the issue now.

The best thing you can do is pray for her (and the children) and be there for her when she comes to her senses. Also, cut her some slack if she is a little (or a lot) bitchy during all of this; she's not herself and is doing well to survive.