Is it wrong to feel attractive to someone else. And you're married?

Question

I've been married for about 20 years. I consider myself a good person, a good husband and a good provider, for my family. My wife and I have always had a rocky relationship. She's one of those people who is loud and flys of the handle easily. She fusses at me and we get into arguments a lot. She trys to embarass me at times and can be a real b---ch. Sometimes she's okay but most of the times she's not. I've never cheated on her because I'm not that kind of person. In the past few months there is a single young lady at work who is always polite, kind, and compliments me. I find myself looking forward to seeing her at work. Work was a real drag until I met her. She hasn't a clue but I think about her often. I know the difference between infatuation and true feelings but this lady is wonderful. Her compliments are genuine and she says she likes it that I listen to her and enjoys talking with me. Then when I go home at the end of the day, the bubble bursts. Is it wrong to I feel this way?

Answer 1

Sounds like you are getting from this lady what you wish from your wife. Instead of focusing on your wife's flaws, find some positives to think about. You can't compare one to the other because they are 2 totally different people. You are married so it would be unfair to all involved for you to show interest in.
Good luck-

Answer 2

It's not hard to understand why you would be attracted to a woman who exhibits the kinds of behavior you would love to have in your life. Then when you go home you get the opposite and it's a let down.

If I were you, I'd sit down with your wife and tell her how you feel. Tell her that you have been a good and faithful husband and that you want a marriage, not just a roommate. Tell her that a good marriage means the partners love, honor and respect each other, support each other, have friendship, companionship and intimacy in the bedroom.

If she tells you she's not willing to try to work on the marriage (I'd get marital counseling...do NOT try to fix this between the two of you) then you need to tell her if she is not willing to uphold the covenant she made when she took her vows, the marriage is over anyway, and start the divorce. It's sad, but you cannot be expected to live without those things you were designed to want: friendship, passion, support...etc.

Then, when it's over, you will find someone who WILL love you the way you deserve and need to be loved.

Good luck.

Answer 3

How old are you and how old is this single young lady? It sounds to me that you're tired of your old nagging wife and would like to be a sugar daddy to this young woman you work with. This is bad news. First, it's not a good idea for a married man to have an affair or even thoughts of an affair...especially with someone he works with! Secondly, if you're so tired of your wife then seek counseling or end the marriage. You will then be free to chase all of the single young ladies you'd like.

Answer 4

Okay I am going to put it to you straight. Look I know that it is hard to live with your wife because of how she treats you. I was to in a simular situation, and dreaded to come home. You have got to make a decision for your kids, if u do have them. They must come first. What can you do to solve your marriage problem? Is she willing to go to some kind of councling? I know its a long stretch, and dont feel gulity about liking this woman, were human, but something will happen between you two if you dont stop it NOW!!! And then what? Are you prepared for that? Will you then step up and do the right thing, no wait how about doing the right thing before the bad takes place. I understand your pain, but you will only be temperaraly happy if you make the wrong choice. Pray about it. I will pray for you as well.

Answer 5

Hi Nash,

You seem like a pretty cool guy who is not happy at this time in your life. Yes it is okay to find other people sexually attractive. However, just do not act on it. If you did...and wifey find out...you think you are catching it now....think...divorce...entitled to your pension and if she is not working...uhm...spousal support.

Be realistic..20 yrs. is long time and I commend you and your wife for hanging in there as long as you have. If you love your wife and it seem like you do...you are just having a hard time now. Suggest some marriage counseling. If she doesn't go..you go. You need someone to talk to. Let it be your therapy. If months or years from now...you want out...at least you tried. I wish you the best.

Answer 6

In feelings there can never be wrong. This is a normal feelings and being married is not a hindrance for you to feel that way. When someone gives compliment or appreciate us it is always a normal scene to feel delighted. Maybe.... just maybe the two of you are soulmates and the only problem is that you met at the wrong time, wrong situation and wrong circumstances. In marriage there is no perfect . All of us come short to the imperfect situation because there is no perfect here on earth. Allow me to give you this article. It might be of help to you

THE RIGHT PERSON?


During one of our seminars, a woman asked a common question. She said, "How do I know if I married the right person?"

I noticed that there was a large man sitting next to her so I said, "It depends. Is that your husband?"

In all seriousness, she answered "How do you know?"

Let me answer this question because the chances are good that it's weighing on your mind.

Here's the answer.

EVERY relationship has a cycle. In the beginning, you fell in love with your spouse. You anticipated their call, wanted their touch, and liked their idiosyncrasies.

Falling in love with your spouse wasn't hard. In fact, it was a completely natural and spontaneous experience. You didn't have to DO anything. That's why it's called "falling" in love... because it's happening TO YOU.

People in love sometimes say, "I was swept of my feet." Think about the imagery of that __expression. It implies that you were just standing there; doing nothing, and then something came along and happened TO YOU.

Falling is love is easy. It's a passive and spontaneous experience.

But after a few years of marriage, the euphoria of love fades. It's the natural cycle of EVERY relationship. Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome (when it happens), and your spouse's idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts.

The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship, but if you think about your marriage, you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage.

At this point, you and/or your spouse might start asking, "Did I marry the right person?" And as you and your spouse reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else. This is when marriages breakdown. People blame their spouse for their unhappiness and look outside their marriage for fulfillment.

Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes. Infidelity is the most obvious. But sometimes people turn to work, church, a hobby, a friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances.

But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your marriage. It lies within it.

I'm not saying that you couldn't fall in love with someone else. You could. And TEMPORARILY you'd feel better. But you'd be in the same situation a few years later. Because (listen carefully to this):

THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON; IT'S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.

SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. It'll NEVER just happen to you. You can't "find" LASTING love. You have to "make" it day in and day out. That's why we have the __expression "the labor of love." Because it takes time, effort, and energy. And most importantly, it takes WISDOM. You have to know WHAT TO DO to make your marriage work.

Make no mistake about it. Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific things you can do (with or without your spouse) to succeed with your marriage.

Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger, certain habits in your relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It's a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable... you can "make" love.

Love in marriage is indeed a "decision"... not just a feeling.

Answer 7

Helo Nash,
There are 2 feelings in the world that can never be held back. "Love" and "fear"..If and when we tried to ignore them, they hit us back even harder. No, Nash, there is nothing wrong with what u feel. In fact, it's the most natural feeling in the world to appreciate & like someone as nice as the girl ur mentioning. In fact i would find u a little abnormal if u didn't respond to her especially in d face of ur wife's sometimes boorish behaviors(as u described). Truth is u might not be conscious of it..but everytime ur wife embarass u or make life difficult for u..ur heart yearns for someone like this girl. U must have seen something from her that uv always wanted ur wife to have but can't find. The difference then is u haven't met her yet that's why it laid dormant in ur heart but now she's with u everyday at the office. My friend..it's ok to admire, to appreciate, to like or even to love someone. Hey, we can't control d feeling & d more we repressed it, the more intense it become. Just accept that the feeling is there& be good friends with her. Ur not alone on this one..Iv met lots of friends who r perfectly happy with their wives but still they get attracted to other women..u know y? because they see something in that girl their wives doesn't have..
Now comes the hard part..How to "just-be-friends" and not go further. There is really no advise on this..just remember your commitment to ur family..that's all i can say

Answer 8

It's not wrong to feel that way, but you aren't any position to accept her attention. Not to mention the fact she may not even be interested in you. She might just be really nice. You need to work on figuring out what you want from the rest of your life. I suggest marriage counseling. Go alone if your wife won't go.

Answer 9

It is not wrong to feel that way but it would be wrong if you acted on those feelings.
Sounds like its high time to do some marraige counseling with you and the wife instead of throwing 20 years away on something else.

Answer 10

No, as long as you remain faithful to your wife. If you should change your mind about wanting the other woman, you have to play fair and first deal with your marriage. Most of us met people we really like, sometimes even love in certain ways, but we don't get involved--but we keep them in our hearts/minds and fantasize about them when we need that relief (and not always sexually, just sometimes "daydreaming" of talking with your work friend is enough to destress). You can have friends.