When is it enough?

Question

Let me first say that I am no angel. I have done my share of selfish and cruel things in my marriage. But on the whole I really do try to be self-sacrificing to my wife, willing to change and available for her emotional needs whenever she calls. In the return I have received one anxiety after another. She is never satisfied with where we are (oh and there is a history of trying to improve), always anal about everything, I am always the first one to apologize or take blame in a fight before she even contemplates it. She can never just be humble about something without first stating that I am the cause. But she expects me to humble right away and to not be defensive about her behaviors. ....THERE is just so much history of ups and downs..... To me she has been so bi-polar like in our marriage with a lot on the depression side. She blames me for most of what goes on...... Can anyone relate to this?

Answer 1

If you go to a marriage counselor, they will teach you both how to communicate without blaming or critisizing the other person. You're supposed to tell your spouse how you feel and completely avoid blame. I honestly think counseling can help you with the communication issue you're having and your marriage may really improve.

Answer 2

There is always two sides in every marriage and no one is ever perfect. I must say I can relate to what you are saying because I did the same thing in my marriage. I was very depressed and I just didn't know it. The mood swings and unexplainable rages. Come to find out after my husband kept telling me i had two personalities and that he didn't think he loved me anymore I was forced to take a long hard look at myself and find out what was happening to me. Well, it was postpartum depression. After my second child I went a little bonkers and didn't really know why but after I went to see a doctor I was put on some medication for a little while and I found my way back. Try talking to her when you are not fighting and make an appointment w/ a physician and go w/ her. Maybe if she see's that you are on her side and that you are worried about her then maybe she ,too will come around.
Good Luck :)

Answer 3

Enough is enough when you say so. Yeah, I can relate to this but not on your end. I can relate on your wifes end and yes, if you have done some or added to the damage she already had emotionally, then you are hogging up any time to get some healing for her soul because of your instant gratification character. Give her some time and space and dont go with anyone else til she makes her mind up if you really love her. This will only add to her unlikeable moods. And refrain from the judgeing words like bi-polar. I am sure you verbally abuse her if you talk to us about her like this.
Maybe it is time to call it quits and seek help on your end to heal so you wont take this into the next relationship.good luck.

Answer 4

yes i can relate to this im not married but i been with my boyfriend or 2 yrs now and hes the same way u described ur wife but u know what i learned even if it hurts u have to let them take the blame and notice they were wrong and tell them how u feel just holding all that inside is not good tell ur wife how u feel and the next time theres a fight dont say sorry let her look for u

Answer 5

Its hard for anyone on yahoo answers to tell you when enough is enough. You'll know for sure when you're ready to let her go. People sometime just need a reality check, they get used to being treated a certain way, or reacting a certain way and just stop seeing the way things should be..have you tried telling her the way you feel, I know from experience being humble and always apologizing first is so frustrating ..good luck.

Answer 6

i cant relate to you but i know that you are not the only one i know that it takes two to make a marriage each gives 50% to eachother and it is unfair that she can point out every lil thing that you do wrong but when you do she blames you for the reason that she is doing it or fights.

i would suggest marriage counceling and mabe medicine before i would give up but that is alot of money i think there is a point in ones life when they need to realize hey this isnt working and im not happy and walk out the door to find someone else.

my marriage is good i think our secret to a good marriage is knowing and realizing that there is such thing as divorce and we want to stay together and apreciate that we have love and not abuse that.

Answer 7

You are the only one who knows when enough is enough. It is a very difficult situation because we are only hearing one side. I do believe you have your grievances, as does she. Unfortunately most men do have to apologize first to keep the peace. Personally I feel that women in general break their backs to raise good children, cook, clean, work, bus the kids around, keep their men happy, try to keep their looks up, etc. etc. Give her a break, recognize her contributions, give her a hand with things and apologize just first. The more you show love and respect, the more it is likely to be reciprocated. And one more thing, EVERY relationship has its ups and downs.

Answer 8

I am a woman with PM DD (post menstrual dysphoric disorder), a sever form of PMS (post menstrual syndrome). This may sound funny, but it's common. Many women don't even know they have it. It's when the chemicals and hormones in your brain go off balance the week before your period and three days into it. The neurotransmitters in your brain block your endorphins. Start tracking her periods. She should have one at least every three to four weeks. If you notice that she seems really down or out of control the week before her period ask her to see her gynecologist. There is medication for this. It's made me feel normal again. I don't feel emotionally out of control anymore. I just feel normal now, and happy. Give that a try before you give up on her. It may not be her fault.

Answer 9

I can relate to your story! My husband used to be the same way and it drove me craaaaaazy! However, we have found a way around it in the recent years. When I was younger, it hurt and I just wanted to get out of it. In the more recent years, I've learned that if I want to stay in this marriage, I'm just going to have to give up a lot of what I feel for what he feels. Maybe it's right, maybe it's wrong--I just do it to make my life a whole lot easier.

I mean, I sacrifice on the things that I can do so easily on. If he asked me to give up school (the one thing that makes me happy), then I wouldn't just give it up. I'm not THAT much of a saint! ;-)

What helped us is that I asked him specifically, "Okay, so what do you want then?" Things like that really cleared up the picture. He complained the that Living Room was a mess one day when to me it looked perfectly clean. He admitted that he didn't like the area rug we had in the middle. Simple solution--I rolled it up before his eyes, and he was considerably more happy! *LOL* In a million years I would have never guessed that it would make a difference, but I never knew what was going on in his head!

So my point is, find out what's so horrible to her and do your best (without totally compromising your own preferences) to give them to her. ONLY do those specific things--don't sacrifice things for what you *think* she would like.

And maybe it's not right that she asks you to humble yourself every single time, but you have to decide for yourself if you think it's worth it to say that you're sorry even when you didn't do anything wrong. My thing is to say, "I'm sorry that I hurt you." Because this doesn't show that I'm sorry for something that I did, just that it hurt him.

Answer 10

Stand your ground and don't cave just to cater to her. If you know you are right then why back down. If she wants to stay mad then she can stay mad for how ever long she wants, but you should not take the blame or feel sorry. If she can't get over it you may want to seek a neutral third party to help mediate or counciling.

If that don't work then its time to call it quits.

Good Luck.