Would it be selfish of me...?

Question

To leave my husband because I am not happy in the relationship anymore. We have two kids-(one is his bio kid, and oldest has been his since 1 yr. old.) and we have been together for eight years, married for 4. I love him, but am not in love with him-and it has been that way for years. I married him for the kids, and in a way felt like I settled. Recently we've had problems and we are currently on a trial seperation. During this period he has told me the things that he will change etc...and that he's realized a bunch and wants to stay together. He never doubted that he wanted to be with me, he just couldn't handle the kids, our life etc...Reality, basically. Meanwhile, I have realized how unhappy I've been and have another prospect for love which has made me come back to "life". I know I will miss aspects of the life we had, I love him as a person and want to still be close, but I also want to be "in love" again. I feel responsible for him, I'm afraid he won't be o.k without me.

The reason he left is because he was unhappy: being chosen second to the kids all the time, because I didn't show him enough affection to counter balance the stress of life and he hated his job. He puts all his proverbial "eggs" in my basket and when I can't "carry" it all, flips out. I was willing to cope, until he left and I realized I could focus on my kids and myself without feeling guilty all the time. Now with a new prospect of a relationship with a man (who I've known 11 yrs and dated previously) that doesn't rely on me (suck me dry), but just enjoys me for who I am and accepts what I am not, has me wondering if maybe I don't have to settle (which I truly felt). But because I've been his "all" I fear he won't be able to cope with life, me moving on etc...I feel obligated. If I go back though, I don't know if I can fake it well enough for the long haul, I haven't been able to thus far and now I will have given up my other love for him.

In the last year or two of our marriage there has been a lot of fighting, tension, and over-all dysfunction. The type of situation I vowed not to raise my kids in. All -or most- of which was precipitated by my husbands unhappiness which was a direct result of me not being "in love" with him, which he is completely aware of.

Answer 1

You've made the separation and it made you realize that you were miserable the way things were. You don't want to go back to that, so it would be time to make it final. He is a grown man, so you are not responsible for him.

Answer 2

When it all comes down to it, you must do what is best for you. In my opinion, the #1 reason why some marriages work is because what is best for each person is the other person. I personally have been in a failed marriage where I loved the woman, but was not IN-LOVE with the woman, and yes, there is a big difference between the two. I cared about her and gave her a lot of money so she could start her life over again, but I did what was ultimately best for both of us, and I filed for a divorce. I have never been happier, and we still keep in contact once in a while, just to get caught up. But you are not responsible for him, and vice-versa. If you are unhappy all the time (like I was), and are not In-love with him, then you are probably best to end it and move on so that in the long run, you will both be happy again with someone else. The kids will also be better off if the parents are both happy, whether or not they are together. Because if two parents are together JUST because of the kids, and are miserable, the kids will suffer too; kids are more observant than you many think. Good luck.

Answer 3

Lets dissect this.

"Recently"...a time span please. "Trial seperation"...the length of this to date? "Another prosepct for love"....when did this fellow (assumably) enter the relationship? Was it shortly after? Was it during your marriage?

Naturally these are pointed questions. I brook no argument when I say he (your husband) no doubt has contibuted to this slow dissolving relationship. Which after eight years and a child together is almost criminal if you ask my opinion. And you did.

So...his not being able to handle the kids....your lives, etc. What are these transgressions he committed in your opinion?
Does the bio-child of his (and how old?)play a role in this? Maybe acting out? I don't know. I'm speculating here until I know more.

So...here's my advice. If he's willing to talk, to make an effort to change...all that's he's vowed...and vows are not to be broken...then work it out. Do it slow with him coming over a couple nights a week. To visit, eat...and then the two of you talk without the kids around. See what happens. No one can never say you tried. It's just a matter of how hard each of you tries. In any case...only you will know if you're guilty of not trying hard enough.

Because you have a distraction. The other guy. So you'd best cool your heels with him. Even if its only silly, flirty stuff right now. But I doubt it. You're being afraid that he won't be okay is an interesting comment. To use the cliche..you want to have your cake and eat it too. But we all know you can't.

So sideline the pal and work at it. If you like the lifestyle you live now, then you'll make it work until you come to the realization its unfixable. He will have to do the same. Make that clear. If problems begin to surface and looks like the old way is returning. Make yourself heard. You'll know when its time to follow through with plan two.

Tough choice. Choose wisely.

Answer 4

Sounds like maybe you too have a hard time dealing with reality. First, lets start with settling did you really feel that way, or is something that has now popped up b/c you are looking for excuses.
You say that you aren't in-love with him, but you let him think the reasons are his fault, if you didn't he wouldn't be promising trying to change, if you truly settled then you need to be honest with him instead of making him suffer.
This other prospect, when we have been so unhappy as you claim, anybody else that is there and paying attention becomes a motivator. You are being unfair to everyone involved by including this new guy in your trial separtion.
You need to work on your personal issues and conflicts before you run to someone else, wasn't that the purpose of the trial seperation.
As for you feel like you feel responsible for him, believe me he will survive with out, must men do.

Answer 5

So let me guess...this new prospect...long conversations on all topics...you guys connect on sooooo many levels. Been there. This new prospect is called a REBOUND. Someone that makes you feel good and fresh and new and he pays attention to you and validates your feelings. I am not denying that you are having regrets about the reasons for your current marriage. But, I will give you this little piece of advice....the rebound won't last. It is a temporary salve to cover the pain (and I do believe your pain is real) of your current situation. I think what is required is a true separation to spend some time on YOURSELF. No intrusions, no other men. Spend some time to reflect and find out what you really want. After that, then decide where you want to go. Focusing on the new prospect will only cloud your judgement. Believe me, the shine of the new guy will tarnish in time and you will be in the same boat again.

Love is an action, not a feeling.

Answer 6

Just look through all the "should I take him backs" in here, if it's done it's done, and move on. You know what you are not responsible for how he handles stuff, you cannot control it no matter what crap he feeds you, you deserve a life in which to be happy. Sound mean? Well the alternative is probably worse than what you have been living, people really do not change, the only thing that does is the great stories they come up with about "how they think they will"

Answer 7

Would you be leaving your husband because you're not happy, or would you be leaving because you found someone else? The other person may make you feel like you've come back to "life" because you're not feeling anything at all. Besides, there's no guarantee that the euphoric feeling you have right now will last.

You're better off working things thru with your husband and try and re-ignite the spark. If you honestly want to leave after trying to work on the marriage, then leave. But be clear why you're leaving....because you're unhappy, or because of the other person involved.

Answer 8

You are in a sticky spot. I would say the fact that you married him for the kids means you never did love him. So you should not go back with him, it isn't fair to either of you. I would also give myself time to find myself again before starting another relationship. It may not be the prospect of a new love that has you feeling full of life again, but the thought there is hope for the future. Give yourself some time.

Answer 9

honestly, in my opinion this is selfish. new love is ALWAYS great, then reality sets in again. you have two children and you are willing to tear their home apart because you want to feel "in love" . that I do find selfish if you do not try to at least make an attempt to keep your family together. what are you planning to do next year when your new love gets boring? go find another one, by then you may have 3 children and 3 different baby daddies. dont worry, you will get plenty of people on your side telling you to go for the happiness, since marriages and families are disposal these days. if he is not abusive or a drug addict or beating your children you should give him a chance.

Answer 10

It sounds as if there are other issues than just you not being happy. He is not your responsibility. Your responsibility is to your children first and yourself second. If he couldn't handle the reality of being a husband and father before why suddenly would he be able to handle it any better now?