abusive relationship?

Question

Im finally getting to the point of realizing that the name calling and outbursts and accusing me of things I have not done are all wrong and are not going to get better, so....Im finally getting ready to leave. My question is why do I attract guys that are drug addicted ( which I find out later and I have never used) or demeaning and want to control me. They come on like bangbuster with the romance and reel me in like Im such a sucker for it. I have been told Im attractive and have a decent job and raised my daughter by myself. I do have good qualities so Im not a loser. Im just confused and feel totally dumb. Am I that insecure Im just blind to it? Please don't anwser me with insults, I just can't take it today. I just need help to know why. Yes by the way Im going to go to some kind of a therapist. I know I can use it.

Answer 1

It must have been a difficult decision to leave, even if it seems obvious. I think that we are attracted to the "bad boy" image, the guy that is hard to get. Also it could be that we surround ourselves with groups of people that exhibit that type of behavior. Also men that are users and control freaks search for women that are easily controlled and manipulated. If a man sees that you have a lot of confidence and you will not stand for BS he will move on to another victim. We might be looking for a partner, they are looking for victims.

Good luck, and I hope you meet someone that disserves you.

Answer 2

First of all i would like to commend you for taking a step in the right direction. i have never been in a physically abusive relationship but i have been in a verbal one. "If he hits you once, and you don't do anything about it he will do it again because he knows that you will let him get away with it.” your staying because your in love then you have to realize that things aren't going to change and you have to accept that although you love him that your relationship isn't healthy a one and you have to love yourself enough to worry about your well being, and just pack up and go. You say that he loves you, i don't mean to be rude but he doesn't. He loves the fact the he can manipulate you, that you make him feel like he has control in this world. which tells me to two things: that he's not very secure about himself and the fact that you let him get away with it for the sake “love” tells me neither are you. The second thing I can tell is that for some odd reason your scared, you believe that you can’t do better then him, yes two years is a long time but trust me you can do better. he has brought you down so low that you can’t or wont leave because your scared your going to end up alone. He says he loves you because he knows that’s what you want to hear. I know that part of wants out that’s why you made your post and this is why I think you go stay with family or a friend and notify the police in order to make sure that it doesn't happen again. But no this if you leave him you can't go back, no matter how much he says he loves you and misses you because if you do then he will know that no matter what he does you will come back. I know its hard to hear but sometimes we need a dose of reality and I just hope your situation works out for the best. “ Love doesn’t bruise you, make you bleed, or hit you people do”

Answer 3

You have a co-dependent personality. You often feel the need to help someone, not necessarily with an addiction. Its no fault of your own, we as women are natural care takers. But these addictive people find us...they may not know it, but they subconsciously do. They will tell you anything and everything even give up the addiction so they can get you....once they think they've got you. Its down hill from there. Just realizing this will help you make better choices in partners.

Answer 4

Where do you meet these guys? Probably not in church. Where you meet them makes all the difference. If you meet them in a bar, they probably drink a lot, and may do drugs. If you meet them at a strip club, same thing. It looks to me like you are shacking up. This is why I preach so hard against it. Sex can and often does distort your view of that other person. You can get to know a person quite well without shacking up. I know that for a fact. I never shacked with my husband, and we'll be married 5 yrs on the 26th. We dated for a year before he proposed, and then were engaged a few months.

My next bit of advice you probably won't like. It's to wait until your daughter is 18 and out of the house to date. Or is she an adult already?

Hope it all works out for you. Good luck!

Answer 5

Therapy is a good idea because it may help you to see some of the reasons why you are attracted to these dependent characters repeatedly. Sometimes people who feel like they must always help someone to change or "fix" someone attract dependent people into their lives. It is because you are a responsible and attractive young woman who is able to care for a child alone that makes you an attractive target for someone who needs a dependable "momma" to lean on. You need someone who is independent and able to offer you some benefits for a change. Do not hesitate for any reason to leave a relationship that you already know is abusive. Best wishes to you and your daughter.

Answer 6

Start by setting your sights and criteria higher. Look for someone with a secure job and work stability, someone who has a home or a nice place that requires them to get up every morning and get their butt to work in order to keep it.
Don't ever feel like you are settling for second best in any criteria, don't be afraid to ask questions during the initial dating period, and dont feel like you can only date/see one person at a time, especially early on. Take your time and get to the know the guy as a friend first... then follow your instincts

Answer 7

Sometimes they say that girls are attracted to men that remind them of their fathers. I kinda believe this cause my husband is exactly like my father. maybe when you look for a guy you should find someone that is a total opposite to the men you usually go for. sometimes the guy that your not really into becomes the guy you fall in love with, you just gotta give him a chance. if you got a good head on your shoulders and your working and taking care of yourself, you need a nice guy to stand by you and not some guy that is controlling and addicted to drugs. just take some time next time and really observe the guy.

Answer 8

You relationships sound very much like my sister has with all her boyfriends. So, I've been around a person who picks men who emotionally abuse her long enough to know that we all tend to attract people based on our hidden emotional fears. I know that a therapist is going to go down the route of the relationship you have with your father figure and more often than not, you will find many parallels between your relationship with your father and your relationship with the men in your life. Acknowledging and accepting the similarities might help you angle your choices differently. As for the picking the right partner, who does not abuse you in any shape or form, you must practice living your life in a way that attracts the kind of people that would be good for you. For instance, do you have lots of hobbies that don't involve other people, especially men? What's your daily life like? Do you have time for yourself? Do you know what you want out of life? How do men fit in your life? Are you comfortable being alone? In my sister's case, her biggest fear is being alone, so a lot of the time she stays in wrong relationships because she's tired of the dating game and being alone. She also doesn't have hobbies and she relies on the men in her life to entertain her. Abusive men tend to pursue women who hate being alone, who need their men to tell them what to do, where to go, how to dress, etc... Abusive men usually get scared of independent women who have it all together and know exactly what they want. I'm a total opposite from my sister and her boyfriends usually can't stand me. I don't know if there is a similarity between my experience and yours, but hopefully some of it will help. My biggest suggestion would be to just always have a hobby and time for yourself, have a separate life from the guys you're seeing, and the moment you see any signs of abuse from their side - leave, don't give them a reason to make them feel that they can do that to you. You have to believe that you're too good for them. Good luck.

Answer 9

I don't think there's any explaining it, but I would like to point out that you would do better to ask yourself why you are attracted to that kind of man than why they are attracted to you. Do you like bad boys? Men who aggressively pursue you in the early stages? Such types often turn out to be manipulative, but early on you mistake a desire to control you as passion for you. In the future, you might want to take conscious mental note of that fact. Consciously seek out men who seem more reserved, men who are responsible and courteous from the start. These men are less likely to turn into paranoids with poor anger management later.

Answer 10

You are merely trying to Mother them also. I did this many years. You find the type that you have to work at the relationship toooo hard. You sound like myself young. A door will open for you soon that will have an awesome man that actually wants to take care of you also. I have one now and when I met him it took me the longest time to figure out it was actually real. I thought they were all work. That's just not so. Love yourself really good, put a smile on your face, Roll on sister. Pray you are on the right path and keep going.